Isn't an integrated, healthy personal narrative the basis of self-forgiveness?
YOU need to make peace with the past and start living authentically in the present.
here would be a healthy personal narrative: She had an affair, she was raped, he didn't know how to deal with it so he had two affairs himself because he didn't know how to deal with his pain and because his anger overwhelmed him. she understood how broken he was over her actions, and knew it had nothing to do with her so she forgave him. They moved on.
Not so fucking easy.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.
Gently, I'm suggesing you to look at yourself.
Now that you are 3 weeks removed from the incident, go back and look at YOUR role using The Karpman Drama Triangle.
*Look at yourself as a Victim ("I'm Blameless")
*Look at yourself as the Persecutor/Punisher ("I'm Right")
*Look at yourself as a Rescuer ("I'm Good")
[This message edited by ladies_first at 3:17 PM, October 25th (Friday)]
it feels like I'd be giving up myself to do this. Like, I WOULD have to swallow it.
And this is what every BS that has reconciled has been angry with themselves about. It's damned hard - for a long time. It sucks. But yes, you have to swallow it. You just have to. That's what you have to do if you're going to reconcile, because there is no other answer. There is nothing that can be done to even the score, as you well know. What happened happened. You either accept that it happened and there isn't shit you can do to change that, and you swallow it, or you end the relationship. Or, you stay angry, and really isn't that the worst option?
Acceptance. It's all about that - accepting in happened, that it sucks, that you can never make it 'right' and that you're staying.
This is the strength that it takes to reconcile - acceptance to the point that you can move past the anger.
You won't ever get over it. It will always be there - the black mark on the relationship - but if you want to R, then you just have to accept that.
I really wish there was a better answer - I think we all do. But there isn't.
Look at myself in what way?
Look at yourself gently. Look at yourself to figure out how to nurture yourself, to figure out what nurturing you want from others, to figure out what help you can actually get from others...that's a good start.
Remember that the nurturing that has the most effect is that which you give yourself.
[This message edited by sisoon at 12:14 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]
I'm just admitting I can't accept, forgive or trust. I realize those are my issues.
I'm so tired of having something wrong with me. I think I'm fine.
We have worked on specific things in IC using EMDR. Today, we worked on confidence.
You're fine? You're working on self-confidence? Is it the shame-rage connection? Or your issues are acceptance, forgiveness and trust?
Keep looking for connections, Rachelc!