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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What Can I Expect?
RealityBlows
♂ New Member
Member # 41108
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Married over 20 years. Passionate storybook love affair leading to marriage. I am devastated, shocked. I am, and have always been, deeply in love with this woman. She has been my rock. Seemingly happy loving marriage. Mutually good intimate frequent loving sex, never any complaints. Only petty arguments that seemed resolved after much communication. Both of us are athletic and in good shape. Two kids in the preteens. Both of us have rewarding careers and a nice quality of life. My wife has suffered from low self esteem which I constantly try to compensate for. She has recently reinvented herself, lost weight, new style and is quite a looker. I used to enjoy watching her turn heads. She got hit on by a guy at her work and they began texting-sexting, and then two physical encounters over a period of three months. First encounter involved an all day sexual marathon, the second encounter was brief. She states the encounters were disappointing and unfulfilling. But she went back a month later for seconds! Discovery made late September. She claims the affair was a journey of self discovery that has lead her back to me after realizing how good she actually had it, realizing she made a horrible mistake. She claims she is not emotionally attached to OM. She claims she is still very much in love with me, and wants to reconcile. I am still very much in love with her but...I don't really know her do I? Does she even know herself? Does she know what she really wants who she really is? She has been wonderful since discovery and leaves me very hopeful for our future. She has done everything right. We are in the middle of hysterical bonding and we are both loving it. I have repeatedly reminded her that she needs to do some real soul searching before recommitting to this marriage, and to not factor in any materialistic needs. She claims she knows exactly what she wants, and that she will fight hard for our marriage. What can I expect?

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 6:06 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 33 | Registered: Oct 2013
Raven96
♀ Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, RealityBlows. I'm sorry you're here, but I'm glad you found us.

You have gotten on a rollercoaster ride that no one ever wants to ride. You will have ups, downs, anger and sorrow. Just know that it is normal.

Others will be along to give you better advice than I can, but we are all here for you. The fact that she realizes what she has and seems willing to do whatever it takes to work on your M and help you to heal from this is encouraging.

Wishing you strength!!!


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What can you expect? In my experience, you can probably expect to feel every possible emotion ever known to mankind. I am so sorry this has happened to you. The devastation is so severe.

My only advice would be just to tell each other the truth, and don't be afraid to lean into the pain. I adored my husband, have always adored and respected him, we had a fantastic sex life, we laughed together, I supported and encouraged him, I praised him constantly, and I had to come to the place where I could accept that his A had really nothing to do with me, or even with the OW.

You could have done everything wrong, gained 300lbs, yelled at her, forgotten her birthday 20 times, and the A would still not be your fault. You did nothing to deserve it, and there's nothing you could have done to prevent it.

I believe people when they say that good can come out of this, and our relationship is actually more honest than it has ever been in the twenty years we have been together. I have realized that he did know who he was all this time, but I really didn't. I was in love with a man who didn't actually exist. I had idealized him. The rose coloured glasses are off, and we are both seeing each other for who we are now. We have love between us still, and I am healing slowly. So is he.

Don't lose hope. You have a thousand choices you can make right now. Choose what is best for you. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself.

[This message edited by plainpain at 7:08 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Jul 2013
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi RealityBlows,

All of the feelings that you have expressed here are PERFECTLY NORMAL!

Let me try to address some of the concerns/questions in your post.

Married over 20 years

Blindsided! Right? So many of us here found ourselves in the same awful boat.

She states the encounters were disappointing and unfulfilling.

Gently... She may be telling you the truth here. WH told me , in an absolute fit of frustration after some sever questioning on my part that, and I quote, " I might as well have just yanked my own wire!". (hope the moderators don' take offence)

Now I'm no expert in "guy speak" but his message came through loud and clear. It was not a sexually satisfying experience. WS's quite often engage in the PA to keep the feelings of validation going. IDK. It made sense to me.

She claims the affair was a journey of self discovery that has lead her back to me after realizing how good she actually had it, realizing she made a horrible mistake

WH has said this time and time again. Now 15 months into R I believe him.

Like Raven96 said, It's a rollercoaster!

Take care of yourself! If WS is really remorseful she will be willing to anything and everything to help you feel safe in the relationship.

The best advice I recieved in the early days was:

1. Take care of you! Learn to put yourself back at the centre of your world.

2. " When you are not sure what to do ...do nothing, more truth will be revealed. "


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
Rabecca
♀ Member
Member # 41076
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not in the position to give advice yet but one thing you can expect is a good number of great people here. They have great advice, great insight, and are truly compassionate. Check out the FAQS and other reading. I have found a great deal of help already.


D day August 13, 2013
Me: 29
WH: 28
Together 13 years married 7 years
3 kids (5,3,10 months)

Posts: 63 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Rabecca
LeopoldB
♂ Member
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not give up hope that she is sincere. But be smart.

She claims the affair was a journey of self discovery that has lead her back to me after realizing how good she actually had it, realizing she made a horrible mistake.

She claims she is not emotionally attached to OM.

She claims she is still very much in love with me, and wants to reconcile.


If all that is true, what will you need to see to embark on a path to R?

If she is fooling you and/or herself, what will it take for you to clearly see that?

Identify in your own mind what each would look like, and ask yourself every day whether you see one or the other.

[This message edited by LeopoldB at 8:15 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2013
RealityBlows
♂ New Member
Member # 41108
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THANKS! All excellent and helpful responses. Wasn't sure what to expect here. I can see already this will be good.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Oct 2013
MeanBean
♂ New Member
Member # 36375
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, Your wife decides to cheat and have a "sexual marathon" with another guy in the name of "self discovery".

Its total new age BS. She cheated, wants to cake eat and keep you along for companionship as she F**** other men. Plain and simple. She is only sorry she got caught. She had her fun and now wants life to continue like normal. No consequences, just you waiting aside rationalizing what she has done ans giving her a free pass. She is manipulating you with your eagerness to reconcile.


Me BH:36
Ex W:33
Married 7 years/Dated 3 years
DDay1:October 12 2011
DDay2:November 3 2011

Posts: 36 | Registered: Aug 2012
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't agree mean bean. You could be right.

Or his wife could truly be remorseful.

The key is his wife knows why she cheated.

What was she lacking in herself that made her bang this guy twice in a row.

Was their texting, setting (ea) as well as the PA.

Be cause until she knows why she made this lousy choice to cheat RB you both cannot truly reconcile your marriage.

It sounds like your marriage was good. So obviously your wife is missing something inside her. She needs to find what was missing.

Obviously the OM or the fling was not it.

Sadly, she made a bad decision and that decision has consequences.

Show her some. Set your boundaries in place and make sure she is clear on them.

Set a date in your head and give her that time to get the counseling she needs to be a better person. Not a liar and not a cheat.
And one of her consequences should be NC and a change of scenery. She should also contact the OM's significant other if he has one.

She owns the Affair. Not you. She needs to clean up the mess.

How old are you guys?

HM


Posts: 795 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Reality Blows,

I concur with Happyman64.

A's are not about the marriage they are about the really damaged individuals who make the conscious choice to engage in them.

WW needs to figure out what her reasons were for doing such a destructive thing to a loving partner, and running her marriage off the rails.

I thought that it would be easy to get fWH to look at his "shit", as it turns out ...not so easy. They have to have the strength to do it!

I hope your WW realizes how important this will be for you, if you do decide to R.


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
MeanBean
♂ New Member
Member # 36375
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does self discovery have to do with cheating on your spouse by having a "sexual marathon" with a person she claims to have "no emotional attachment"? The only discovering done is the betrayed spouse learning how deceitful and selfish their "trusted" spouse really is.

She is an adult that's 20 yrs into a marriage wanting to screw around with one last hoorah before she rides off into the sunset with old age, decreasing libido and sexual attractiveness from other men.

She knows what she is doing. She'll do all the right things now because she got what she wanted already.

[This message edited by MeanBean at 11:59 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]


Me BH:36
Ex W:33
Married 7 years/Dated 3 years
DDay1:October 12 2011
DDay2:November 3 2011

Posts: 36 | Registered: Aug 2012
LAFA
♂ Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, mean bean, you may be correct, but I hope you are a bit on the cynical side, and that his WW turns out to be a genuine remorseful WS. Only time will tell, but I'd rather speak encouragingly at the start.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
wonderpets
♂ Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Make her work for it. If they aren't sincere they usually have no tolerance for putting in a little effort.

Posts: 202 | Registered: Jun 2012
kannan
♂ Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust but verify. Cheaters lie, lie lie and lie to save their ass from consequences, to cake eat and damage control.

Make sure that you are not manipulated into R by sex or sweet words.

Make sure that she ended the A and dint cooled it till she manages you or she took it underground.

If she realised the fact that you are her soul mate by having sexual marathons with OM then why she continued the A till you find out.If sex was not good why she went back for a second time? But who told you this number? She? How can you trust her words; she is a lier and cheat, they always lies. Is there any proof that sex was only twice?

Get tested for STDs and let she do it and give the report to you.

Dont jump to R, take your own time.

What are the consequences she faced for cheating?


Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
RealityBlows
♂ New Member
Member # 41108
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Again. Appreciate all replies even the cynical. Our ages are BS: 48 WS: 45. Consequences. I do feel there should be more consequences but, which do you employ that would be productive, not destructive? This has already been traumatic and dramatic for the both of us. She has demonstrated sincere remorse. She has already entered herself-without urging from me, into personal counseling. She works with the AP-but not closely, so NC will not be possible. She is adament that she is not at all interested in contact. She said the affair was already in it's death throws as the AP was not returning attention. She regards this affair as an unemotional fling that left her feeling empty. No passion, no intimacy. No reciprocation from AP. That it left her appreciating what she already has. She could just be telling me what I want to hear. She seems very sincere. Actions so far have been consistant. I guess time will tell.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:23 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]


Posts: 33 | Registered: Oct 2013
DefeatedDad
♂ Member
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She needs to quit her job and find another. Period.

Better for the two of you to eat Mac and Cheese for a while than risk her taking up with him again. Remember she's a sneak and a liar, and just because she says she won't take up with him again, can you honestly trust what she says?

You need to make her think she is on the cusp of losing you. Quitting her job is one way she can prove her devotion to saving the marriage. Tell her she quits this week or you will go see a lawyer.

Yes I'm serious.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 5:40 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
RealityBlows
♂ New Member
Member # 41108
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has already offered to quit her job, but was not happy about it. She thinks its overkill. She says she can easily avoid him in the work place and if they were in proximity it would be brief and public. She does not believe he is interested in her any longer and has not tried to contact her since. I almost feel like dangling him like a carrot in front of her to test her devotion. However, I understand this would be a mistake as the WS and AP are like drug addicts whose self control has been comprimised. I am not interested in rehabilitating an addict. Life is too short.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 6:04 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]


Posts: 33 | Registered: Oct 2013
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take her up on her offer to quit her job..
She seems remorseful but all you really have at this point is her words, time will tell with her actions..
With her A and her sex marathon she killed the M as it was..Death is FINAL and so are the consequences of a death.. No turning back to life as she/you knew it..
People rebuild new lives taking into account the death or massive loss of someone/something that was dear to them..
Take care of you so you have the strength to deal with the ups and downs of this shitty situation and see light at the end of the tunnel..
Hugs


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you satisfied that she COULD see him anytime she wants? What if he starts getting back in contact with her at work behind your back again?

I let my fWW take a class taught by OM#2 because she needed it for her degree, and it was horrible. There needs to be NO contact. None. None of this "little chance of contact".

To tell you the truth, I think MeanBean is on the right track - it does sound like a bunch of new-age bullshit, to justify a sweaty romp with a stranger.

You need to talk to a lawyer to find your options, AND let HIS spouse know what was going on!


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently , I agree with mean bean. How many sexual marathons have you not liked? why go back again? and what if the AP was still interested in her ? would she go back? it sounds like you are letting her off easy. She has betrayed you , lied , and possibly manipulated all for her own good, typical behavior! I pray for your sake that I am wrong but read some stories on this site first before you rush into R. Good luck


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 611 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
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