[This message edited by RealityBlows at 6:06 PM, October 25th (Friday)]
You have gotten on a rollercoaster ride that no one ever wants to ride. You will have ups, downs, anger and sorrow. Just know that it is normal.
Others will be along to give you better advice than I can, but we are all here for you. The fact that she realizes what she has and seems willing to do whatever it takes to work on your M and help you to heal from this is encouraging.
Wishing you strength!!!
My only advice would be just to tell each other the truth, and don't be afraid to lean into the pain. I adored my husband, have always adored and respected him, we had a fantastic sex life, we laughed together, I supported and encouraged him, I praised him constantly, and I had to come to the place where I could accept that his A had really nothing to do with me, or even with the OW.
You could have done everything wrong, gained 300lbs, yelled at her, forgotten her birthday 20 times, and the A would still not be your fault. You did nothing to deserve it, and there's nothing you could have done to prevent it.
I believe people when they say that good can come out of this, and our relationship is actually more honest than it has ever been in the twenty years we have been together. I have realized that he did know who he was all this time, but I really didn't. I was in love with a man who didn't actually exist. I had idealized him. The rose coloured glasses are off, and we are both seeing each other for who we are now. We have love between us still, and I am healing slowly. So is he.
Don't lose hope. You have a thousand choices you can make right now. Choose what is best for you. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself.
[This message edited by plainpain at 7:08 PM, October 25th (Friday)]
All of the feelings that you have expressed here are PERFECTLY NORMAL!
Let me try to address some of the concerns/questions in your post.
Married over 20 years
Blindsided! Right? So many of us here found ourselves in the same awful boat.
She states the encounters were disappointing and unfulfilling.
Gently... She may be telling you the truth here. WH told me , in an absolute fit of frustration after some sever questioning on my part that, and I quote, " I might as well have just yanked my own wire!". (hope the moderators don' take offence)
Now I'm no expert in "guy speak" but his message came through loud and clear. It was not a sexually satisfying experience. WS's quite often engage in the PA to keep the feelings of validation going. IDK. It made sense to me.
She claims the affair was a journey of self discovery that has lead her back to me after realizing how good she actually had it, realizing she made a horrible mistake
WH has said this time and time again. Now 15 months into R I believe him.
Like Raven96 said, It's a rollercoaster!
Take care of yourself! If WS is really remorseful she will be willing to anything and everything to help you feel safe in the relationship.
The best advice I recieved in the early days was:
1. Take care of you! Learn to put yourself back at the centre of your world.
2. " When you are not sure what to do ...do nothing, more truth will be revealed. "
Married 23 years - together for 29 years
DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children
"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers
She claims the affair was a journey of self discovery that has lead her back to me after realizing how good she actually had it, realizing she made a horrible mistake.
She claims she is not emotionally attached to OM.
She claims she is still very much in love with me, and wants to reconcile.
If all that is true, what will you need to see to embark on a path to R?
If she is fooling you and/or herself, what will it take for you to clearly see that?
Identify in your own mind what each would look like, and ask yourself every day whether you see one or the other.
[This message edited by LeopoldB at 8:15 PM, October 25th (Friday)]
Its total new age BS. She cheated, wants to cake eat and keep you along for companionship as she F**** other men. Plain and simple. She is only sorry she got caught. She had her fun and now wants life to continue like normal. No consequences, just you waiting aside rationalizing what she has done ans giving her a free pass. She is manipulating you with your eagerness to reconcile.
Or his wife could truly be remorseful.
The key is his wife knows why she cheated.
What was she lacking in herself that made her bang this guy twice in a row.
Was their texting, setting (ea) as well as the PA.
Be cause until she knows why she made this lousy choice to cheat RB you both cannot truly reconcile your marriage.
It sounds like your marriage was good. So obviously your wife is missing something inside her. She needs to find what was missing.
Obviously the OM or the fling was not it.
Sadly, she made a bad decision and that decision has consequences.
Show her some. Set your boundaries in place and make sure she is clear on them.
Set a date in your head and give her that time to get the counseling she needs to be a better person. Not a liar and not a cheat.
And one of her consequences should be NC and a change of scenery. She should also contact the OM's significant other if he has one.
She owns the Affair. Not you. She needs to clean up the mess.
How old are you guys?
I concur with Happyman64.
A's are not about the marriage they are about the really damaged individuals who make the conscious choice to engage in them.
WW needs to figure out what her reasons were for doing such a destructive thing to a loving partner, and running her marriage off the rails.
I thought that it would be easy to get fWH to look at his "shit", as it turns out ...not so easy. They have to have the strength to do it!
I hope your WW realizes how important this will be for you, if you do decide to R.
She is an adult that's 20 yrs into a marriage wanting to screw around with one last hoorah before she rides off into the sunset with old age, decreasing libido and sexual attractiveness from other men.
She knows what she is doing. She'll do all the right things now because she got what she wanted already.
[This message edited by MeanBean at 11:59 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]
Make sure that you are not manipulated into R by sex or sweet words.
Make sure that she ended the A and dint cooled it till she manages you or she took it underground.
If she realised the fact that you are her soul mate by having sexual marathons with OM then why she continued the A till you find out.If sex was not good why she went back for a second time? But who told you this number? She? How can you trust her words; she is a lier and cheat, they always lies. Is there any proof that sex was only twice?
Get tested for STDs and let she do it and give the report to you.
Dont jump to R, take your own time.
What are the consequences she faced for cheating?
[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:23 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]
Better for the two of you to eat Mac and Cheese for a while than risk her taking up with him again. Remember she's a sneak and a liar, and just because she says she won't take up with him again, can you honestly trust what she says?
You need to make her think she is on the cusp of losing you. Quitting her job is one way she can prove her devotion to saving the marriage. Tell her she quits this week or you will go see a lawyer.
Yes I'm serious.
[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 5:40 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]
Divorcing her sorry a--.
[This message edited by RealityBlows at 6:04 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]
I let my fWW take a class taught by OM#2 because she needed it for her degree, and it was horrible. There needs to be NO contact. None. None of this "little chance of contact".
To tell you the truth, I think MeanBean is on the right track - it does sound like a bunch of new-age bullshit, to justify a sweaty romp with a stranger.
You need to talk to a lawyer to find your options, AND let HIS spouse know what was going on!
D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married