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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: EA's
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I've heard EA's are just PA's waiting to happen.
My WH had at least an EA (no proof of PA).
How did you know it were "only" an EA? Distance? Correspondence you saw?!
If it were an EA that turned PA - hoe long did that take until it were a full blown EA/PA?


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pewpewpew,
I think it depends. My H EA did turn PA. I knew the day it happened...I just KNEW. He had been acting differently...made a big deal about time he was taking off from work, and came home late that day. I could smell her. He didn't bathe afterwards.

I tried to confront at the EA and was told the "just friends" crap. Even sent him articles on EA's. It took him 4 months from EA to PA. That is PA in bed...no doubt petting and fondling occurred before that.

I think EA's are as damaging as a PA...so I do not believe "only" EA is appropriate. Betrayal is hurtful regardless.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1591 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It definitely depends. With OW 1&2, my H had longer EA's prior to PA (5 months and 3 months respectively). They both lived in our town. OW 3&4 were found online and strictly PA. OW5, their EA lasted exactly 2 weeks before turning PA, and she lives 24 hours from our home (16 from where he was working at the time).

Posts: 1076 | Registered: Jan 2013
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my H had a sexual relationship with his OW since she was his girlfriend for 3 yeas. Then he met me and married for 16 years now. OW reached out to H because she wasn't happy with her marriage and had every intention of taking my H back...they had an EA for close to 4 years...but i think they both wanted to take it to PA...they live in the same town. I do not 100% know for sure if it turned PA since I saw 2 emails where they they talked about meeting. It doesn't matter to me since 1. they already did have sex together before H married me...and 2. they both talked about having sex, running away together, planning a life etc... they had every intention of turning it PA

so...in my op, most EA do turn PA, and if it doesn't, both partners had the intention of turning it PA at some point.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2013
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H EA turned PA..
His was a fast transition.. She was easy...It's took 1 month for sex after first meeting..two weeks in they were holding hands and kissing..made me sick...


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
sad34
♀ Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They texted and then less then a month later making out in my whs car!! Yep right where i sat, wonder if that gave him a cheap thrill?


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure exactly when EA started for my fwh. They met in playground when collecting the children after school. They were friendly and she came to ours for a party at Christmas 2011. He talked about her then and I didn't like it and heard some stuff about her and tried to warn her off. They continued to meet in secret so the EA started about then. He never mentioned her so even though I felt uncomfortable I stupidly believed he'd listened to me. PA started in October. So 9/10 months. Makes me sick too.
I knew too even though I had no idea he was meeting her but I was comfort eating and stressed and didn't no why pretty much the whole way until dday.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely agree that an EA is as much damaging... I only " " because supposedly I am supposed to feel better that WH didn't sleep with her.

I am just now fully comprehending this devastation since for over a year I kept trying to rationalize for downplay the devastation this has caused us. I was so busy trying to find proof of a PA, I hadn't let myself heal from what I KNEW happened. :(


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

supposedly I am supposed to feel better that WH didn't sleep with her.

According to whom? So it's fine for a spouse to fall in love with another person? To tell them intimate details of YOUR marriage? To turn to them for support, and be there for them for support, while you languish alone and confused, wondering what happened to your spouse and your marriage?

No, you shouldn't feel better because they didn't consummate the affair. You should feel pain because your WH found another love without letting you know that you had been replaced.

My H had an EA. A former very serious boyfriend (lived together, etc) had a ONS.

I would give anything for my H to have had a ONS instead of an EA. Anything.

Don't let your H downplay his actions or your pain. EAs hurt. They are very damaging to the relationship, and to the esteem of the BS. The fact that they didn't get naked together (if they didn't) is not the issue, and it doesn't lessen your heartbreak.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with painfulpast. Don't let anyone minimise your feelings. The lying and confiding in the ow and her ranting to me about how I didn't care about him hurts as much but differently as the sex.
I feel almost guilty that since dday my fwh has been the perfect remorseful spouse and so many others have ongoing affair fog, TT and broken NC to deal with. But we are all devastated in our own ways.
X


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pew....

I've been through this twice.... long story short... I found out about the first EA (suspected) years after we were married though it happened when we were engaged. That one turned PA and it devastated me... but I had little kids and rug swept big.
Then almost 4 years ago now he had another EA.... that one brought it all back from before.... It almost killed me... I am pretty sure that due to time, distance, etc. that this one was not a PA... though I really think the OW was angling for that... she needed a baby daddy for all her kids by other guys.
Sometimes they are just EA's but if they go on long enough I think 99% eventually go PA. The sexual tension and flirting build and it leads to that sooner or later


Posts: 1178 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will never know if I have the whole truth.
Cheaters are liers, & I will never trust WH again.
this is what I can piece together /he has admitted to:

OW started working with him around Feb 2011 ( they sat next to each other all day at work). They were very friendly & he complained to her that I was always angry at him ( I wonder why? Maybe I had a good reason to be. Maybe because he was NEVER home!) End of March 2011 he went away on a trip "with the the guys" & she started texting him that she missed him. The texts/calls escalated until the beginning of May 2011, when she supposedly "threw herself on him, stating 'I have such a crush on you, why don't I be your mistress?'" They were together physically at least 4-5 times, but he states they only had actual intercourse once. I have trouble believing that. Eight days after she threw herself on him, I found out, & asked him to leave. We were separated for 5 mos, because he would not stop contact. However, he states they were never physically together again, altho I caught them eating lunch together more than once. So to me, the EA was around 9 mos long. Am not sure about the PA.
I got WH to join this site, & he started 1 thread, in which he stated that his A was only a few days long. He refuses to admit that the build up & petering out part extended it. He felt "beat up " by the Waywards here who called him on his bullsh*t, & has never come back.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 8:37 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1390 | Registered: Dec 2012
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has worked with OW for about 5 years. In 4/10 she started sending him naked pics of herself. He says it happened off and on over the next 3 years but because he was using it for "release" and didn't have feelings for her, it wasn't hurting anyone. It wasn't until 11/12 that he says he realized he had "feelings" for her. It went PA a month later in December and lasted until 4/13.
I think there's much more to it he won't admit to himself but he still thinks he didn't have any feelings for her prior to Nov, they were just "good friends."

[This message edited by AML04 at 1:47 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 858 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Topic Posts: 13

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