Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Ugh123 (44903)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Napalm Update
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So this was the weekend (x)SO was supposed to come, see my real life, and we'd figure out if he fit in really, what are our plans going to truly be etc. And instead, I'm sitting here by myself and he's baby sitting his nephew 1000s of miles away.

We've talked some this week with no resolution. He reached out mid-week to tell me that I shouldn't worry about the money, that he'd find a way to pay me back. So I told him how I felt. That I can't handle his anger - esp directed at me - and don't want to.

He understands that when he directs it at me, it's not really anger and it's not me. It's his own frustrations and own fears. His own not wanting to be a burden on me. Not wanting to make me the primary earner. And you know, I get all that. What guy would really be okay with that?

But that doesn't change what happened. Nor the fact that he didn't come this weekend. Nor does it change the core issues, his insecurities, his lack of money and his health issues that mean major surgery in the future.

We've plans to talk this weekend. I told him that my feelings haven't changed. They are all there. But that I'm exhausted from the rest of it and I know he is too. My hope is that I can stick to my guns this weekend and follow through and make the break up real. Or at least make it a break. I want him to do what he needs to do to be ok, and only after he's done it, come find me.

This comes at such a typically bad time. Holidays coming and I have no plans. And even better, next week I get a big list of all my future post options and I have to pick what options I want and submit them and then cross my fingers. It's a roll of the dice. One that I thought I'd be making in a relationship, making it kind of fun and exciting, but instead, it's just scary as fuck.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3078 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetie, you have to take him out of the equation entirely. Make your choices based on postings that you want. Plan for YOUR future.

You don't have to give up hope for him if you don't want, but put him on the back burner.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20148 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetie, you have to take him out of the equation entirely. Make your choices based on postings that you want. Plan for YOUR future.

^^^^ this

Make yourself your priority. If you let yourself be anything less, than other people pick up on that, and treat you that way.

Stick to your boundaries. You can do this. ((cayc))


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12146 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally agree with the other 2.

You need to live your life. His core anger issues are not going to go away- they are still there as unexploded napalm.

You can't move on in you life if you're still trying to maintain some connection to the past.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7638 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want him to do what he needs to do to be ok, and only after he's done it, come find me.
That is very reasonable thinking. It keeps you from getting caught up in his mess. It also makes him be a big boy and figure out how to take care of his own problems and not rely on someone else to bail him out. You see what happens when he feels you are helping him. He becomes angry and directs it at you. He feels guilty for being a burden to you. He is asking you for money (always dangerous in a relationship that one party is not sure is going to last, especially when one party has a lot of issues that need to be worked out).

My hope is that I can stick to my guns this weekend and follow through and make the break up real.
Sending you strength and support to do what you feel is best for you!


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15223 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosing post choices on what's best for me is not a problem. It's just that ... moving around the world by myself is an unattractive proposition. Being alone sucks.

But yes HappyInNY I agree. I don't have to do anything re (x)SO except set him aside. He can either do the work and show me he'll do what it takes to be in my life or not. But I can't sit around and wait for it.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3078 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
heartbroken30
♀ Member
Member # 18437
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[Choosing post choices on what's best for me is not a problem. It's just that ... moving around the world by myself is an unattractive proposition. Being alone sucks.]

Of course it sucks! I am in the same boat as far as bring alone. But I think that being in a toxic relationship is worse. I broke off a relationship 6 months ago because he was not good to me, frequent outbursts, directed anger towards me. A life time of misery isn't worth it just to have someone. If you stay with him, you don't give the chance for the right man to come along. It gets really lonely sometimes but I have peace. I don't walk on eggshells all of the time. I have faith the right person will come along.


Me - BS 42
Kids 12 and 9
Divorced

Posts: 1846 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NY
justabrokendream
♀ Member
Member # 3075
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so many times, and I have been guilty on several occasions, people show us who they are - and we don't believe them.

As others have said many of us post from experience but everyone is entitled to walk their own journey....


Posts: 304 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: CA
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((cayc)))))

It sucks when you actually love someone, and the love isn't enough to sustain the relationship. At least not the relationship you deserve.

He needs to figure himself out...FOR himself, then he can be who you deserve. You can't battle his demons for him.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4134 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

moving around the world by myself is an unattractive proposition.

Tell me about it Granted, I've only moved within the US (if you don't count that I moved from Canadian soil--in the consulate )but it gets easier each time. It really does.

Being alone sucks

Sometimes yes; sometimes no


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20148 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Topic Posts: 10

Return to Forum: New Beginnings Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.