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User Topic: Feeling depressed after affair - is it harder for the BS or WS?
Loadsofchocolate
♀ New Member
Member # 40708
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would particularly like to hear from those who have been both the BS and the WS but all comments welcome.

I'm the BW and I feel like I'm falling apart yet I'm supposed to just get on with it according to WH. WH talks about nothing but how depressed he is and expects support and sympathy. He has shown no remorse and I think he is just pining after ow. Obviously I have no idea what it feels like to be in his position but I suspect it's harder on the one who is betrayed.


Dday1 - June 2013 admits EA
Dday2 - June 2013 broken NC minutes after agreeing to reconciliation - only found out 3 weeks later
Dday3 - July 2013 broken NC
Dday4 - September 2013 broken NC
Dday5 - January 2014 broken NC admits PA

Posts: 49 | Registered: Sep 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From the sounds of it, I'm not sure it matters. You are hurting - and he isn't doing the work needed, so whatever hurt he's feeling is just more selfish wallowing. He's not in the same mindset as the WSs here. They are remorseful and want to help their BS. Your WS wants sympathy for cheating? In what world does that make sense???

You have an unremorseful WS - so, gently, very gently, - why are you staying with him, may I ask? It seems like he continues to hurt you, first with the A and now with his lack of caring over your feelings. If he is so careless with your feelings, both to have an A and now to not care that you're hurting, what is it that keeps him in your life?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you are hurting. You are justified in your pain that you are feeling and you also are justified in not being able to muster up sympathy for your H. He does not deserve any from you. At some point after he has tried to help you heal, then maybe. But now...after his continued contact. No. He needs to stop all contact, re-enter the marriage, fix himself and help you heal. Now. If that doesn't happen like NOW, then you need to detach, heal yourself and start thinking about your life without him in it. I know how hard it is to heal with a completely remorseful S who has done everything to fix this the minute of discovery. For those of you who have to deal with no remorse, continues contact, and mourning the A--not sure I could do that. I think I would have filed and worked backward from there to see if he would have done the right thing. I would NOT have given him the benefit of the doubt on this. Take good care.

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is not a competition. He is making it one. After what he's done he should be all about caring for you and putting you first. Saying you have to get on with it is cruel.
Since dday my fwh has reached the crushing realisation he has bipolar and it has blighted his, mine and our children's lives for years. (I already knew but his denial was absolute). This is devastating for him. But he is still putting everything he can into caring for him and putting me first because of his genuine remorse.
There is no excuse for still making this about him
Thinking about you


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Loadsofchocolate
♀ New Member
Member # 40708
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your replies. The only reason I am staying with him is because of the children. Our circumstances are rather complicated and at the moment I don't see a way out. I have started to focus on myself and am trying to find things that make me happy.


Dday1 - June 2013 admits EA
Dday2 - June 2013 broken NC minutes after agreeing to reconciliation - only found out 3 weeks later
Dday3 - July 2013 broken NC
Dday4 - September 2013 broken NC
Dday5 - January 2014 broken NC admits PA

Posts: 49 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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