Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: VHCSLP (45432)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Possible Analogy for Friends/Family who just don't understand...
Feeling Consumed
♀ Member
Member # 30592
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And yet again I was slammed by my friends for bringing up my ex - I am not allowed to do that anymore seeing as how it has been over 2-1/2 years since dday and I am definitely supposed to be over everything and moved on by now and they are sooooo worried about me because I still bring his name up.

I told my friends that I don't obsess over ex-shat and that I am still moving forward with life, so they should not worry about me. What the hell am I supposed to do when I am trying to tell a story about something that happened to me while I was married? Like it or not, the asshole was an integral part of most of my life - it's hard to leave him out of every story!!

Irregardless of the fact that most of my stories include ahole, I would think I would still have a right to talk about my pain to my friends...guess not because I am supposed to just fahget about it - no big thang, right?

I tried to explain to my friends that what happened to me is a BIG FUCKING THING and that I may never "forget" about it. They act like it was a high school crush that didn't pan out and I should just go get me someone else and forget about my 27 years with asshole. We here know that is a task easier said than done. We will never forget what happened to us.

But it occurred to me that they are not being mean - they just really, truly (thank God) do not understand the degree of pain we had/have to go through. So I came up with an analogy so they can maybe understand a little.

My one friend has a cute bull dog who she loves like crazy. I asked her to picture her and her husband out walking their cute little bull dog on a nice sunny day, everyone seemingly happy. Life was good. Then, as soon as they got back into the house, without warning, the husband takes out a gun and shoots and kills the dog. Just bam - dog's dead! You ask WHY DID YOU DO THIS??? and all he says is that he has a new cute little bulldog so didn't need the old one anymore. Then he just leaves you to sit there wondering WTF just happened?

I gave her time to really try to think about it and how much it would affect her - the person who she loved more than anything, and who she thought loved her and their life together just shot and killed their dog, the dog she loves more than anything, for no apparent reason except that he got a new dog. Then I asked her how long did she think it would take for her to "get over" what had happened to her and how long would it take to "forget" it all. She looked at me and said "It would take me a long time to get over that and I don't think I ever could forget".

She did say she was sorry that she got on me for not moving on faster, so I maybe did get through. I don't know. I just really think that the "untouched" do not understand the depth of pain we experienced and they maybe really think they are helping us when they give us their unsolicited and incredibly inaccurate advice.

Does anyone have any other analogies or can you improve upon this one?

Next, I'm going to try this analogy on family members who won't get off my damn back! I hate that family and friends make me feel like some kind of psycho freak because I still am not totally over the shit storm.


Spent half my life with an Ahole
D final!!! 11-11

"Obladi oblada life goes on...."


Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Good analogy.

I'm stuck with the picture of the following conversation.

Grab a plate and throw it on the ground.

-Okay done.

Did it break?

-Yes.

Now say sorry to it.

-Sorry.

Did it go back to the way it way before?

-No.

Now do you understand?



Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1875 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your analogy is perfect. Don't change a thing


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If they haven't experienced infidelity, they have no clue the depth of the pain & familial destruction. A new friend asked why I'm now living in MA, I gave her an abbreviated version of lying, cheating xh, she said: "Oh, just forget about him, he's not important, and get on with your life." This from a woman who has been married a good 35 yrs, as I was. I thought, Really? Just 'forget' about 35 yrs of our life together.... just forget ? And 'just' get on with my life ? I may be using the bulldog analogy given the next opportunity. Unless you've lived the lies, the cheating, the dishonor, the shock of it all.... you have no clue.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My life is just as destroyed if a tornado had come through the neighborhood, destroyed my house, killed my husband, destroyed my bank & all my money, destroyed every single business in town where I might have worked. I'm having to start from frickin' scratch when I'm past my prime. That's not the kind of thing one just gets over. It can be done, but it's a total game-changer in the middle of the game. It's like going to sleep one night with everything as you know it to be, then when you wake up you're on a different planet.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9851 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing is, people never really understand grief or trauma unless they have been through it. Even people who have experienced other forms of trauma or loss (like say, losing a child) can't really grasp another type of trauma (other trauma victims always think theirs was worse).

After a while I just stopped talking about it to people I know would not understand. There was no point.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this point, my story is just so fucking comical, that I tell it purely for entertainment value. But I can tell no one that I tell it to truly grasps the pain and betrayal.

How many of our friends and family have truly been betrayed? I am the only in in my circle of family and friends that I know of. How do you explain that depth of pain or sense of loss??

I think you've come up with a pretty good illustration to help convey to others the depth of our pain and trauma.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4693 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like your analogy. It really captures the brutality of infidelity.

In the past I have used the analogy of being hit by a Mac truck. You are hit by the truck and obviously injured. Everyone can see that you have broken bones and massive bruising. You spend some time in the hospital and maybe even need physical therapy so you can walk again. Then you seem ok because the bruises have faded. But you are not ok on the inside -- your bones still hurt and feel tender. You have scars from where you had massive cuts, but they are under your shirt so no one sees them. You are scared to cross the street. And when it rains you positively ache. Eventually the bones do heal sufficiently and you are able to cross the street again, but you still positively ache when it rains and you still have those scars hidden under your clothes. Those things will never go away.

But wait. What if your child was with you when you got hit by the Mac truck? There were not hit but they saw what happened to you and they were even hit by some of the shrapnel from the accident. So not only have you been brutally cut down your child is also hurt. So while you are trying to heal, you are trying to help your child heal. Your child will not cross the street. Hell, your child barely will go outside let alone get close to a street. They also do not have any visible scars so no thinks they were even hurt. But you know and you see it and you feel inadequate because you really cannot help them forget any more than you can forget.

Yeah, try getting over that friends.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the past I have used the analogy of being hit by a Mac truck. You are hit by the truck and obviously injured. Everyone can see that you have broken bones and massive bruising. You spend some time in the hospital and maybe even need physical therapy so you can walk again. Then you seem ok because the bruises have faded. But you are not ok on the inside -- your bones still hurt and feel tender. You have scars from where you had massive cuts, but they are under your shirt so no one sees them. You are scared to cross the street. And when it rains you positively ache. Eventually the bones do heal sufficiently and you are able to cross the street again, but you still positively ache when it rains and you still have those scars hidden under your clothes. Those things will never go away.

That is really good.

I try not to bring up EXH anymore because I'm supposed to have "moved on" by now. I don't think anyone can really grasp how devastating and life changing something like this is unless they've experienced it.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Eyeofthetiger
♀ Member
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am only on 4 1/2 MONTHS and I already feel like that is how my friends think. I don't even say anything anymore.


S

Posts: 129 | Registered: Aug 2013
Pippy
♀ Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have all been through this and I know it is hard when you feel you can't mention him to your friends and family.

It is human nature for us to cluck around someone who has suffered a loss, whether it is a D or loss of a loved one or even a beloved pet. We want to comfort them "in their moment of need". I've seen parents say that they fear people will forget about their deceased child.

Our marriages were years of our lives spent with a loved one and suddenly they are gone, but people just expect us to forget about it/ get over it. Not that easy!

But there is the other side of this too. From their point of view, it is like the aged widow who goes on and on about her late husband Henry. At first everyone understood her grief but as the years go by, they do get sick of hearing about how poor Henry died. Of course this is a generalization to illustrate my point but you know what I mean. :)

Our real friends were there for us when we needed them and will forgive the odd mention of our EX. But there comes a time when we really do have to start moving on.

That doesn't erase the years of marriage and the events that led up to the D. No one could forget that, but time really does heal. When you are ready, he just won't matter any more.

I am at this stage now after 30 years M. It took me over 8 years to get to the acceptance stage. I still slip once in a while - especially around the full moon. There are times I have to bite my tongue, but it is getting easier and you will get there too. Time.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
clralb
♀ Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My best friend had been through infidelity about five years before mine hit. At the time she was going through it, I really did not understand. I tried to be supportive, but I really had no idea.

They stayed together, but it had been rocky and I do not know how much longer they'll be together. She told me she only stayed because of the kids; otherwise, she would have left in a heartbeat.

Then my private hell hit. I then understood how she felt.

Everyone is right, no on can understand unless it happened to them.


"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."
Buddha

Posts: 681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My little sister's husband went through the exact same thing I went through (down to conversations we had with our exes) a few years before he met my sister. He was a huge help to me when I was still raw. When she introduced him to me and then later told me about why he had been divorced, I felt bad for him because he seemed like a nice guy but I wondered what he had done to drive his ex into an affair. I'm glad I didn't verbalize it. I still feel like an idiot and an asshole for thinking it.

My experience really changed my perspective. I don't think it's possible to truly understand how much infidelity hurts unless you've experienced it.


Posts: 1749 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was happily married at the time (I think) that one of my best friends wife cheated on him with his best friend , with no remorse. He called me and I listened but I was an asshole I gave bad advice and I was not understanding. I listened as he cried to me but you are right. Until it happens to you , you never understand ! I have since apologized and he has been a great help in my recovery. Other friends that listened in the beginning and now just give tough love ! I think mean well but truly do not understand. That is why this site is awesome. Over 40,000 people who truly understand. Thank you. Oh and the analogy was great I would not change a thing.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 690 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamboat, that is a fantastic description.

Me, I'm just wondering around dazed with my STBXH's dagger sticking out of my chest, and my XBFF's sticking out of my back.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1875 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My analogy is closer to this:

Standing on my porch w/XH, my dog & my mother. XH kills my dog, rapes my mother, burns down my house, tells me it's all my fault, walks away & I never see him again.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 767 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
surviving1963
♀ Member
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love all of your analogies.

The reason we all come to SI is because we ALL understand. If you have experienced it - you can't really understand.


Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
josie11
♀ Member
Member # 31648
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not an analogy, but people who just don't understand why betrayal and lies are devastating should read "Great Betrayals" by Anna Fels in the New York Times.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?pagewanted=all&_r=1&


BS: me
XWH: Dead to me, after spending half our lives together
2 teenagers
"I get it now; I didn't get it then. That life is about losing and about doing it as gracefully as possible... and enjoying everything in between."-Mia Farrow

Posts: 396 | Registered: Mar 2011
Feeling Consumed
♀ Member
Member # 30592
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like all the other anaologies, and Vulcanized - wow, I don't know how anyone couldn't understand the level of pain after reading your analogy.

Thank God for SI so we can all come here if we need to rant. Still, it would be nice if we could talk to our friends without their disconnected interest. I understand how they can't understand and I would have been like all of you who said you weren't that big of a help for your friends that were going through trouble because you didn't understand the level of pain they were in.

Some day we will all be like Pippy and none of this will be in the forefront. That day can't get here too soon for any of us!


Spent half my life with an Ahole
D final!!! 11-11

"Obladi oblada life goes on...."


Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I pretty much had to go through it alone. About a year after my D, my SIL left my brother - it was textbook, right down to the ILYBINILWY.

He realized that he was not supportive at all to me when I was in the midst of it. He has since apologized, and now calls me at random times to thank me.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7781 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Topic Posts: 20

Return to Forum: Divorce/Separation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.