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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: the truth sure can hurt
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have had a lot of questions spinning in my head.

One I asked h tonight. I had the answer in my head already, my belief so I figured I had nothing to lose. I already believed it so if he could say it wasn't true it would be a gain. My gamble.

I asked him if he told her he didn't love me.

Yes, he told her he didn't love me.

I think what hurts more is when I told him that hurts to hear, his response, "I know".

Not feeling so good right now. Took a pill and hopefully sleep will follow soon.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1306 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((cantaccept)))

Posts: 11550 | Registered: Mar 2008
Tinker01
♀ New Member
Member # 40312
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Hugs)) I really thought I wanted to know all the details. Now that I know the most of the details.. I am not sure if knowing hurt or help .


Me 40
Him 5
Dday June 20/23 2013

Posts: 14 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Tinker01
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the worst part is his response to me. Nothing. No empathy, no apologies.

I feel so alone right now. Like he still has no clue or just doesn't care that much.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1306 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
wolf_heart
♀ Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((cantaccept))))

Have you told him his lack of emotion causes further pain?

Let him know that when you say things like that it is the perfect time to reassure you that he doesn't still feel that way, that he is sorry and he doesn't want you to feel that kind of pain again.

He needs to own up to what he did, accept responsibility and then help in your healing process. Without all three you don't have R.


Married 26 years
BW: Me, 47
WH: 47
DDay#2: March 8th, 2012, with one of my good friends.
DDay#1: Oct. 20th 1992, 2 years post PA
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think this can ever not hurt. My fwh told ow he did love me. Didn't stop them though.
And if that's love then I don't want it
Tell him how much you're hurting. They just don't get it.

Much love to you


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, the truth sure can hurt, but isn't it better than the lies? It's possible that your WS knows that you are hurting just doesn't have a clue how much and how to help you. If push comes to shove and if the truth is going to hurt I know I'd rather have the truth than lies. Finding out about the lies hurts so much more when you've invested more time and effort into R and find out that you are still being lied to.
So, yes the truth hurts, but would you rather he lied? Possibly it's a good sign??? At least, he didn't lie and I'm sure he knew it was going to hurt.

Posts: 1002 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes the truth hurts. Yes I do want the truth.

I guess I just wish the truth could be made easier to stomach when it is served with compassion and remorse.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1306 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
wolf_heart
♀ Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think what WS fail to realize is that the true is better than what our imagination can come up with too.
Not to mention the lie is what damages us. The truth at least is something we can deal with and overcome eventually. With their help if they really want R. However, we don't heal from lies, they only devastate us more.


Married 26 years
BW: Me, 47
WH: 47
DDay#2: March 8th, 2012, with one of my good friends.
DDay#1: Oct. 20th 1992, 2 years post PA
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Cantaccept)))

There simply are no ways to soften the pain of such truths.

I can't find any to comfort the aftermath of you hearing this truth. I just wanted to let you know I feel similar pain from the truths that are part of my life now due to my wife's choices and subsequent actions.

I pray for all of us and you specifically this morning.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:39 AM, October 27th (Sunday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3580 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
lost_in_toronto
♀ Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((cantaccept)))

Truths such as this are the ones that hurt me the most. My WS said similar things. He also found it really hard to know how to provide comfort for the pain he caused, especially in those first brutal moments of discovery.

Time has helped, but the memory still stings.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1652 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very gently - don't expect empathy from a WS for a long time. If they had any to start with, they wouldn't have cheated, and it takes quite some time to learn empathy as a new skill.

It's got to be an additional level of hell to go back and forth. Be gentle with yourself - I think ambivalence is better than ending a relationship before you're certain it's irretrievable.

You're right in the middle of working on yourself. If you're not sure where you'll be in 1, 3, 6, 24 months, waiting and watching isn't necessarily the worst thing to do.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:18 AM, October 27th (Sunday)]


fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9918 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

More patience???

Can I purchase that in bulk somewhere?

I really, really, need to sleep, I am getting punchy.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1306 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very gently - don't expect empathy from a WS for a long time. If they had any to start with, they wouldn't have cheated, and it takes quite some time to learn empathy as a new skill.

Well stated Sisoon. Took me the better part of 10 months to accept that fact. A WS is devoid of empathy....only care about themselves. Both my wife and her AP dropped their kids off at school then immediately met to nurture their A.... Their own kids were not enough to disrupt their selfish desires and motives. To have empathy a person must be able to stop thinking about themselves long enough to think about another.

The truth that our own children, and the nothing but negative affect adultery would have on them, were not enough motivation to cause my wife to end her A is so very painful. But it is the truth and I can process this over time. It is so painful when I look at our daughters and see how our marital friction due to my wife's A is affecting them.... But this is workable too.

It is not fair....our role in healing the damage from our spouses affairs...but it is an impossible task if the lies continue. At least with the truths of our spouses affairs we can mature due to the pain. With lies we are sentenced to just plain old suffering. And with that suffering we stagnate in our personal growth.

God be with us all.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:46 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3580 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very gently - don't expect empathy from a WS for a long time. If they had any to start with, they wouldn't have cheated, and it takes quite some time to learn empathy as a new skill.

Needed to hear this today sisoon. Thanks.


You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to. - Robin Williams

Posts: 16798 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^I never thought of this...I needed to hear it. Thanks Sisoon.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure if some people ...WS included...ever really develop empathy. I don't think my H is ever going to understand how I feel no or how I felt b/c he has never experienced it. The WS can't fully understand the shock of the A to the blindsided BS...and then how every new piece of information is just as devastating. They know the details...the timeline...what was said.I must have said a dozen times "What if the situation was reversed...what would you do and how would you feel?" All he ever said was that he didn't know how he would react...except that he'd probably want to kill the guy and that he really wouldn't want to know. I have just had to accept tat he may never have the empathy and remorse I want him to...and yes this is hard to accept. I have read about WSs having "ah ha" mommebts where they suddenly get it, but I don't know where these come from or how to get my H to have one.
As for the fact that he told her he didn't love you...he may have thought he meant it at the time, or maybe he knew it wasn't true but seemed like the thing to tell her. I read things that my H said to OW that hurt me greatly, but some of it was not true. For example, he told her we would not be intimate unless I initiated it...he initiated all the time. He lied to her as well as me on more than one occasion....it is all part of the dual life of the A fog.

Posts: 576 | Registered: Nov 2010
Raven96
♀ Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry that you were hurting last night. Hopefully you got a good night's sleep and today was much better for you.

I love what sisoon said. They have to learn empathy, and it takes a long time. So true! Keep taking those baby steps!

(((cantaccept)))


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he told her he didn't love me.

I think what hurts more is when I told him that hurts to hear, his response, "I know".

(((((((Hugs))))))

Totally get his reaction being almost worst. The look on WH's face when he told me he loved his AP is burned into my brain. No emotion, none. So sad how much denial causes so much pain.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh - I hate that feeling when you hear the horror that was going on behind your back. If it helps at all, it really doesn't feel better when the OW knows your H loves you. The OW in our situation was a friend, so she knew quite well that H and I both loved each other, and that he wasn't planning on leaving me. That is a special kind of crazy-making, I can tell you.

But doesn't your H's "I know," show some kind of empathy? Maybe he doesn't know what to say beyond that. . have you tried asking him how he feels when he talks about it? I know my H feels tremendous shame, that can look like aloofness if I don't press him on it. What would be even more important to hear, is how your H feels about it now. Our conversations usually go something like this:

Did X happen? Response: (usually horrible - I am not one of those people who usually finds out reality is better than my imagination. Gut wrenching.)

How did you feel about it then? Response: (Also, usually bad. Usually something I don't want to hear. Ick and disgust.)

How do you feel about it now? Response: (Generally makes me feel much better - not the same as when he was in his delusional state.)

There are hundreds of deleted emails between my H and OW that he deleted before he told me. I am quite sure that I don't ever need to know what they said. I think for most of us, we can assume that our spouses were out of their minds for a period of time -- high on infatuation. It is a shame how something as wonderful as the idea of love can be perverted to feed hurt egos and self-delusion.

So, I guess the question is, is how meaningful is this "new" information, anyway?

[This message edited by bionicgal at 10:51 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1858 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 22
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