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Newest Member: BreezyBear (44281)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Some Advice
DACanuk
♂ New Member
Member # 41089
Stop  Posted: 9:33 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure where to begin but I need a lot of advice as I can't afford counseling. My wife has been getting great advice here. I have a problem with following through with promises. I find my self lying about really mundane things that don't really matter like in day to day life. I've had a EA with a woman from my workplace. I stopped all unnessary contact. I am about to leave on a trip and we are really struggling with the trust of being apart. It is the first time we will be apart for more than a day. I have no desire to lose my marriage. How can I reassure her that I will honor her while I am away?

Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DACanuk,

Welcome to SI. I'm sorry you find yourself here, but glad you found us.

I find my self lying about really mundane things that don't really matter like in day to day life

How can I reassure her that I will honor her while I am away?

These two statements don't go together. To answer your question, you can't. If you are lying about day to day little things, how CAN she trust you?

Why are you still lying?

The only way for her to begin to believe anything you say is to start telling the truth, consistently, over a long period of time.

This trip is extremely difficult for her and she has zero reason to trust you right now. Is there any way you can not go on this one? Is OW going to be on the trip? Put yourself in your wife's shoes. Would YOU trust you?

What have you done to change your A behaviors?


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36626 | Registered: Sep 2007
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DumbAss,

Does DA stand for dumbass? or something else? I hope it's dumbass, because I think it is hilarious to welcome you as such...

Anyway, AN is right, you can't really reassure her given what you've done. However, you can start taking action to show her that you can become trustworthy over time. In short, your words (reassurances) are not going to mean jack to your BW right now. Your actions though...those might help her to see that you're serious about reconciliation and showing her that you can be a safe person for her. It a real struggle though, both for you, and for her.

Was the EA one-sided? or was the OW reciprocating? That might make some difference too.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a problem with following through with promises.

Do you have a problem following through on promises to everybody or just to your wife?

I find my self lying

Do you lie to everybody or just to your wife?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6074 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
DACanuk
♂ New Member
Member # 41089
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Authenticnow

The OW isn't on this trip. My work isn't like that. I'm a truck driver and the OW is a dispatcher whom I had a crush on. The trip was unavoidable as it is to better our lives together. I have been in contact with my wife my entire trip out here. I have attempted to keep her informed but failed to follow through this evening.

I was suppose to take my mother out to her divorce care meeting tonight on my way to visit my sister and my niece and nephew. My mom changed her mind and I failed to let my wife know the change in plans which led to her feeling betrayed once again. Then I made exercises to her for why I didn't meantioned it. So now things are to the point again where she is leaving me. The sole purpose of this trip was for me to find a better job for our future.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013
DACanuk
♂ New Member
Member # 41089
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF

Actually you are right on the money about the name. I don't think the EA was both ways but my BW thinks it was from the tone of both of our voices when we spoke. My BW could hear because of the system we use is like being on speaker phone.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013
DACanuk
♂ New Member
Member # 41089
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UnexpectedSong

I don't make any promises to anyone other than my wife.

I find that I lie to most people. I have an issue with being way to blunt or socially awkward in regards to dealing with people. I was previously divorced and had a bad split with almost all of my friends and family siding with my EW. I've stopped caring about my relationships with friends and most of my family. Hence the only person I make promises to are my BW.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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