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User Topic: WH tried to break NC
Khloe_2011
♀ Member
Member # 34467
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H went drinking with his friends and got shit wasted. He said he was at a all time low and tried to call her when he was drunk (she didn't answer since it was midnight ). I dont know if he left a message but he said he didnt. I actually looked at my recent usage the morning of and saw her number and confronted him. He said hes sorry blah blah blah, but this chick makes it into my life every year since dday and maybe he has something deep for her. Any thoughts on this? I am just so lost.


Madhatter FWW (Me): 28
Madhatter FBH-29
T-12yrs M-8
D-day(s)- Mine Dec 2010, His Feb 2011
Wh broke nc and called her March 2011, june 2011 and Nov 2013. Wh saw her and broke nc May 2012
Beautiful son 2 and daughter 5 months
working on R, but ba

Posts: 92 | Registered: Jan 2012
naivegirl
♀ Member
Member # 14234
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What were the conesequences that yuou established if he broke no contact. If you haven't set any I think it is time to do that. I think his days of being out drinking with his friends without you needs to be done. It doesn't sound like he can keep his boundaries when he is drinking. Honestly if she keeps popping back into the picute I think I would seperate or something. If he has doen this in the past it doesn't sound like he is very remorseful.


Me BS 39
Him WH 38

D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
-Kid Rock

Working on Re


Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2007
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What in the world is doing out with his friends getting 'shit wasted'?
I'm not excusing him calling the OW, but I'm amazed he didn't end up in bed with someone else after loosing all inhibition in a state of wastedness.

Have the two of you ever created any boundaries for your marriage yet?

I have 'never' seen anybody have control when they are wasted..... A phone call shouldn't surprise anyone when they can still go out with friends, get wasted and behave as if they are single.... These are the ways of the fool.

There is a great book, "Boundaries In Marriage", by Cloud & Townsend that might give you a great place to start together....


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweet Mother of Mary.....isn't he a little old to be doing this??????????

Dude....grow up.


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His RA was almost 2 years ago and he is calling her now?

That would be a deal breaker for me. When was the last time they were in contact? Do they still work together?

Boundaries/Consequences - set them up.

#1 for me, no drinking with buddies. After an A, guys nights are OVER!


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Khloe,
WTF! Are you second choice or something? Better not be. This guy needs one big dose of reality, now.

No excuse, None, for making that call except for lack of empathy for you and his family.
So, let me ask this, had she answered, how sure are you she wouldn't see him?
I'd be rip-shit, and he'd be on the curb with his shit until he bought a vowel.
You have got to set those boundaries, and if he crosses, he's out until he gets it.
Begin to set up some accounts that are yours only, etc. And make him an appt for IC, he needs it.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm amazed he didn't end up in bed with someone else after loosing all inhibition in a state of wastedness.

No, sorry. Adults can and do go out and get "wasted" and stay faithful. It may not be healthy or responsible to drink to that level, but it is not a root cause of infidelity.

I agree with the posters who say what is he doing breaking NC this far out?! I would be back in MC (if you are not already).


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He didn't TRY to break NC, he DID break NC. Dday was a couple of years ago and he is still interested in contacting her? That means he still thinks of her and for me, personally, that would equate to false R for me. Did you guys ever discuss what would happen if he broke NC? Sounds like its time for that discussion.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Feb 2011
Khloe_2011
♀ Member
Member # 34467
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone is right! It definitely was an attempted contact where she didnt pick up but if she had I would have been done. We had a deep conversation about him and drinking and how it is affecting us, and he agreed that when he gets drunk he gets vulnerable and mad (over me) and he felt like he wanted to contact her because they basically bonded over his issues with me. Also, i checked her facebook page (i know i shouldn't let her have that power over me) and she posted the quote "definition of stupid: knowing the truth, seeing the truth and still believing the lies". I am sure she is talking about me but she seems hung up on my H still. Sorry, vent/anger.


Madhatter FWW (Me): 28
Madhatter FBH-29
T-12yrs M-8
D-day(s)- Mine Dec 2010, His Feb 2011
Wh broke nc and called her March 2011, june 2011 and Nov 2013. Wh saw her and broke nc May 2012
Beautiful son 2 and daughter 5 months
working on R, but ba

Posts: 92 | Registered: Jan 2012
Khloe_2011
♀ Member
Member # 34467
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But he mentioned he wanted to renew our wedding vows and he felt that doing that would be a great way to build a foundation. We dont acknowledge any anniversarys anymore and we both miss them very much. Everyone is right it should be a deal breaker but the thought of not seeing my newborn and toddler everyday wants me to fight with everything i have. But i did let him know the next time would be a dealbreaker because i can't go through this anymore.


Madhatter FWW (Me): 28
Madhatter FBH-29
T-12yrs M-8
D-day(s)- Mine Dec 2010, His Feb 2011
Wh broke nc and called her March 2011, june 2011 and Nov 2013. Wh saw her and broke nc May 2012
Beautiful son 2 and daughter 5 months
working on R, but ba

Posts: 92 | Registered: Jan 2012
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH#2 did the exact same thing back in April, except he was at home drinking. OW had texted him and he didn't tell me. Then 2wks later he gets drunk one night and tries to call her, she didn't answer either. He never told me about calling her until I saw the bill. He knew exactly what I was calling about when I called him at work, so I am sure this was the only time he did it. He said he got drunk and wanted to tell her to leave us the hell alone. I went ballistic on his ass. He now knows if he ever contacts her again and I find out, we are done. If she tries to contact him and he doesn't tell me, we are done. He knows also he is not allowed to go partying
with his buddies at a bar.

You are going to have to set some boundaries for him, or you will continue to get hurt. Listen to the other posters. BTDT. Cheating comes with consequences and you have to be willing to back them up or he will just continue on. I wished I had know to set more boundaries after DDay#1 and DDay#2, but I didn't find SI until after those. I know now and hopefully so does he.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So have you thought about, what if she had answered? Did he tell you or did you find out on your own first?


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4932 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Duck, 2x4's coming here

wait...so because she showed restraint and didn't answer...

It definitely was an attempted contact where she didnt pick up but if she had I would have been done

That is complete backwards thinking here IMO. You are placing the blame/outcome on her response to HIS initiating contact.


But he mentioned he wanted to renew our wedding vows and he felt that doing that would be a great way to build a foundation

He is nowhere close to this. He is trying to make you feel warm and fuzzy when you should be pissed off!

Vows are not the foundation, the relationship before the vows are...he has some serious cracks.

If this is for you

Also, i checked her facebook page (i know i shouldn't let her have that power over me) and she posted the quote "definition of stupid: knowing the truth, seeing the truth and still believing the lies". I am sure she is talking about me but she seems hung up on my H still. Sorry, vent/anger.

She is the one that did not pick up the phone....do you not see the excuses you are giving your H? HE is still hung up on her if his drunk go-to-person is an A from 2 years ago!!

What are you not seeing here??

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:05 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Khloe_2011
♀ Member
Member # 34467
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry im responding to this so far out but we had a discussion on breaking NC and he now knows the consequences. My question to everyone is, since this was 6months ago why do i feel like now that it is a deal breaker? I lost all passion and motivation to make my marriage work, its him now crying to make it work and how im the one for him and hes sorry bc he finally "gets it", but why do i feel like its too late. Like why would he change now after 3 fucken years out? I am so pathetic, bc since it happened i created a fake page on facebook so i can keep tabs on her in case she slips up and im now obsessed with her. Help!!


Madhatter FWW (Me): 28
Madhatter FBH-29
T-12yrs M-8
D-day(s)- Mine Dec 2010, His Feb 2011
Wh broke nc and called her March 2011, june 2011 and Nov 2013. Wh saw her and broke nc May 2012
Beautiful son 2 and daughter 5 months
working on R, but ba

Posts: 92 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 14

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