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User Topic: Anyone else's house just a Mess? Notice the capital M.
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only time my house has ever been Clean clean since we had kids was when we were separated for those 10 months. I had lots of time and energy to get it done. I would mop the floors at 5am on a Saturday then spend the day mowing/working in the yard!!

Now, all I want to do is hang out with my husband. I don't want to get out of bed any day of the week because I'm too comfy lying in his arms. I would rather sit on the couch beside him with his hand on my leg than vacuum up after 4 dogs and 2 kids!

Yes, my house is a "total damn disaster area" and I could care less. My marriage is better than it has been in a very long time.

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My house use to be spotless. Serious OCD every since this crap I could care less. I am now caring but I refuse to be the only one cleaning.

I will be hiring someone to clean for the holidays:-)

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well we have 5 kids so clean is relative but before this it was 'a thing' for me. I wasn't going to have my house be a disaster just because 'I had all those kids and couldn't take care of them'. My house was often better than my friends with less kids. We signed the papers on a house twice the size the day before I found out about the affair my 'new beginning' wasn't the beginning I was hoping for. This house is forever tainted for me. It, along with a doubled mortgage payment, feels more like my prison. The walls are still bare. I try to decorate and get settle, but I just don't give a damn anymore. I don't see this as my forever house anymore so why bother.

[This message edited by Lostinthismess at 2:51 PM, October 28th (Monday)]

'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 331 | Registered: May 2013
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh my god! I thought I was the only one. My house has been a disaster area ever since dday. Every once in awhile I get the urge to clean and then it goes away for weeks at a time. I agree with other posters, I think it's reprioritizing. I mean what's more important our marriage or the house being clean. Obviously it didn't stop the A from happening.All of our energy now is in to a saving our M. the house is kind of secondary.

DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I maintained essentially a candy cane looking home prior to d-day. Post d-day my ambition to keep up on maintenance and appearance is zero. Its not that I don't do anything anymore, but my approach is much more practical now, as is my fww's approach.

WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 777 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not quite the disaster it was immediately post d-day,but nowhere near as tidy as it used to be, and I really don't care. There's more important things in life than a tidy house.

And after our reconciliation when I rescinded divorce proceedings (before any clue about the A )my H suddenly woke up to the idea that housework doesn't do itself and pulled his finger out. Just a shame he didn't wake up when we had a house full of children and I was run ragged. But later is better than never.

I too hated the idea of staying in my house as he'd screwed fOW in his study. Then he came up with a fantastic solution - we've taken out the wall between his study and the hallway, turning it into a huge open landing space which we plan to cover with bookshelves and turn into a library. The space is completely unrecognisable as his former study,and along with the changes my awful feelings about that space have faded.

Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
♀ Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 4:03 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only reason my house isn't a complete disaster is because WH has been doing the cleaning.

He had his affair in our home. I hate my house now. Can't wait to move...but don't want HER to run me out of my home. I want to move, but can't pull the trigger.

We also have a cleaning lady who comes every two weeks...that helps a lot.

Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 465 | Registered: Apr 2012
♀ Member
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup. Used to manage to keep public rooms clean and tidy but right now, the whole house is a wreck. Four months out from DDay and I still spend countless hours daily trying to push thoughts of the A out of my mind. As well as R is going, and it is going great, my motivation to pick up and clean is always swamped by the pain. And in all this I'm chasing around after our 13 month old too...

BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ha! Yes, absolutely. Although that's starting to get better.

I usually did most of the cleaning (including dishes) and WW did most of the cooking. Immediately after D-Day, the only thing that got done was feeding the cat. He's a furry guy who loses a lot of it in the spring. Our house was not only a mess, but a mess covered in cat fur.

At about three months I did a major clean up and then nothing for a while. We keep it somewhat neat now, but not nearly the way I used to obsess about tidiness before D-Day. WW leaves stuff everywhere, which used to drive me nuts. I don't care about that anymore.

Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's what I've learned. Don't sweat it. I, too, used to be on top of things. They really don't matter, well, unless it's a real hygiene issue. You'll get it done, and it really won't take all that much effort when you do get moving.

I go in spurts. In the beginning, there were entire weekends that I spent two days in bed. SAfWH has begun to do things around the house. About time, he did virtually nothing while he was engaged in his "hobbies," but he just doesn't clean like I do. The cleaning/shopping/cooking is really secondary to what I do for ME. Learned that the hard way.

Self care should be the primary focus. As long as you are taking care of YOUR needs and those of your kids, don't worry about the dust. It will wait...

Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3649 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since dday, my mental health is taking a higher priority, so the house is a mess.

I could be cleaning now, but I have to check in at SI!

Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 491 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 40758
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes for sure.
Did not notice right around DDay, but I now see the clutter, cobwebs. WH has stepped up, and has been busy.

But it is also a good feeling that now... Even with some help from me he now realizes that I was extremely busy running the house, working and kids. Multi tasking to make our life easier!!!
One day I said, " You have been really trying hard since DDay to help in the house, but is this how our home looked prior to DDay? Meaning the laundry piled, floors not shining, clutter. He said no.. " I never realized how much you did? It really made him realize why I was tired at night. Prior to DDay he thought I was ignoring him. And that i enjoyed housework. As crazy as that sounds.

And it is funny how now I don't care at this point about certain household things. Not sure how this will be over the Holidays.

Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2013
mom of 2
♀ Member
Member # 11214
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am divorced and rarely post in the R forum, but your thread title got my attention.

I used to be a Martha Stewart, OCD house keeper, but since DDay? I don't care. My house is basically a pig sty. And even though I am long divorced, it never came back. I just don't care.

There are bigger problems in the world than a messy house.

Me: BW
Divorced after 23 years of M thanks to XH's truth trickle.
Status: Recovering and healing. It's going to be a long hard road.

Update November 2013: It only took seven years but I finally turned a corner. :)

Posts: 13326 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: The suburbs of hell
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not alone. Pre-A, Being a homeschool mom of 4, I was very organized and motivated. After the A I was knocked flat on my face. The first year was the worst. I was just trying to get through the day, and cleaning was waaay low on my list.

After 2 years of R, I finally had myself together enough to make a house cleaning schedule. Until then I just took care of things when they built up and had to be done.

Actually H started getting bothered by the lack of order. He started asking me if I could make a schedule. I was flabbergasted because pre-A I had all kinds of schedules (cleaning, meals, money making chores for children) which he did not help enforce. After the A, I was too emotionally exhausted to be the enforcer, so I just let things go. I'm still not gung ho about pushing the train uphill, but I have a little more energy to at least make a schedule.

Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is such a relief to hear so many of the same things I has been feeling.
And skaredyKat I spent days in bed for a few weekends too.

I'm glad to know I am not the only one.
Thanks, everyone, for helping me feel like I'm semi normal. :)

Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's most important to take care of yourself vs. laundry, etc. In the early weeks after the A, I fell apart. I was helping a friend plan a big event in our community and I had to level with her about what was going on with me because I could not deliver at the same level I did the previous year.

I haven't been as diligent with cooking. Been buying a lot of pre made meals and meals that I do cook are very simple. Bills have piled up. Things have gotten done in the nick of time instead of well ahead. I'm procrastinating more. Definitely more chaos. I'm starting to dig my way out and take more control of things and streamline as much as possible.

I think I am doing really well for 7 months out from DD.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just got home from a four day business trip and I could post a picture of the living room but that would deprive you of the appreciation of the SMELL of this place. Four dogs plus a very sick fWS equals an odor that almost made me turn around and drive six hours back to Oklahoma.

[This message edited by purplejacket4 at 9:08 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Omg ... 19 months since DDay and I barely clean and do the laundry. DD poor room is worse than a natural disaster. And I occasionally cook. I have ZERO motivation and can't afford a maid. Before I had a lady every two weeks. Nope honestly I don't give a damn. But I am embarrassed and no one can come over.
My house is a mess. My family a mess so I just let it go... I go running when I can't stand it. At some point is got to get better?

Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamland, yes it will...or you won't care anymore. Either way, you will find your own level after the A.

It is a shame how our lives have been so disrupted because of infidelity. Let me reword that: it is a shame infidelity happened at all, and turned our lives upside down.

Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Topic Posts: 39
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