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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Worth telling?
dumbchick
♀ New Member
Member # 41138
Stop  Posted: 8:17 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a three month affair with a previous coworker that was both physical and emotional. I quit that job and I have ended it and had NC for over a month. I am in therapy to understand why I would do such a thing and to make sure it does not happen again. Should I just move on or should I tell H?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Oct 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think most here will advise you to be truthful with your H.

I don't know if it's possible to have a healthy marriage and good self-esteem if you're hiding such a huge secret. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It will always over-shadow your mood, how you view and react to things.

You're withholding something from him that directly impacts his life and marriage. He has a right to know.

The truth has a way of always coming out, it would be far better in the long run if you were the one to confess versus him finding out on his own.

It's good to have you with us


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197932 | Registered: May 2002
kroma
♂ Member
Member # 39964
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You tell your H. By coming forward and showing honesty and remorse you stand a better chance of keeping your marriage.....assuming that's what you want. He deserves to know. Be prepared. Read some other posts and go to the healing library. Clear your soul.
By hiding this you will continue with guilt bottled up. Not good for you either. Also your H will find out otherwise and trust me that's worse.
Time for your process to begin.


Me WS 44
Her 42
Kids x2 G-13, B-11
Married 16 years
D-Day 09-30-12
R for 10 months
Separated 09-01-13

I will never give up on my wife. Never. I will love her forever....

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: new york
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome dumbchick.

You really need to confess.
Part of fixing whatever is wrong with you to have had the affair in the first place, is absolute honesty with yourself & your BS(Betrayed Spouse).
I won't sugar coat it. It's going to be the hardest thing you've ever done.
To heal & fix yourself you are going to have to face the consequences of your actions, whatever they turn out to be.

Good luck.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi dumbchick,

I'm a FWW that confessed. Didn't have to. Could have probably gotten away with everything. But I confessed because my husband had the right to know I allowed another man into our relationship. He had the right to know I had broken my marriage vows. He had the right to make an informed decision about his own life.

So you want to live and honest and authentic life? How exactly are you going to be able to be honest and authentic when you are keeping a massive lie from your husband?

Confessing is the most terrifying thing. Believe me, I know! But if you have the courage to do this, I guarantee you, as devastating as it is, it is the first big step in living a healthy, honest, authentic life.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6253 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, and welcome, DC (I have a hard time calling anyone "dumb", even if it is part of their user name, just a personal thing with me).

I really think that you should tell your husband about your affair. The reality is that it will come out eventually. Plus, it is a burden on you to carry this secret, and and unknowing burden on your husband. I know this, because I kept my own affair a secret for 15 years. It impacted me, it impacted my wife, and it impacted my relationship with her.

It's hard to come clean, but I believe it is the right thing to do.


Posts: 7213 | Registered: Dec 2010
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome.

In contrast to Aubrie, I was caught in my affair rather than confessing. Had I not been caught, I would likely never have told my XH about it after it was over.

It was the fact that he had to find out vs. me being honest and coming to him first, coupled with my attitude of "what he doesn't/wouldn't have known won't hurt him" that were factors in his decision to seek divorce after D-day without trying to reconcile. He admits that we likely would have divorced regardless due to the nature of the affair, but the getting caught and the intent to hide it indefinitely were nails in the coffin.

Just another perspective to consider. I wish you well.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried. Reconciliation is a process and I still struggle.


Posts: 2201 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What everyone else said ^^^^^^

Telling your BH is the first step in you working to become the spouse he deserves...and the person you deserve to see staring back at you in the mirror every day.

Not coming clean, regardless of consequences and outcome, WILL corrode you. Not if...when.

Is your ex affair partner also married?


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
dumbchick
♀ New Member
Member # 41138
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I told him. He is a mess and left but I don't know where he went. I called and texted once but I know he needs space. I feel like a total piece of shit.

Yes, the other man was married too. He wanted to continue and even leave his spouse, but I did not.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Oct 2013
Hisbunnyonly
♀ Member
Member # 38414
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you did the right thing.

my BH confronted me about my A and i gaslighted him and then took it underground. He believed me. it stayed underground for monthes before he found messages on facebook and confronted me again. i TT for a couple of days, and then came out with everything. but i wish more than anything i would have just went to him with it. The hardest thing he has had trouble with was that i didn't trust him or respect him enough to come to him with the truth.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job on telling him!! I know it's not a good feeling at all but you did the absolute best thing you could have.

the next step is to tell it all and answer every single question with honesty. also be fourth coming with information don't just give what was asked.

You are on the right path. And whatever he chooses is up to him. Just like what you chose was up to you. And we will be here for support and help.

Welcome to SI.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 127 | Registered: Mar 2013
kroma
♂ Member
Member # 39964
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you did shows a lot of courage. He'll see that once his emotions calm a bit. Your actions about coming out with the truth, NC (and keep it that way) changing jobs, and IC are all huge pluses on your side. It'll be a hard road but your path is definitely the right one. Others are right. Don't TT. Get it all out there and be an open book. He will respect you for that and will be easier for him to work his way back to trusting again. Long road but a good head start. Better than most. Better than me.


Me WS 44
Her 42
Kids x2 G-13, B-11
Married 16 years
D-Day 09-30-12
R for 10 months
Separated 09-01-13

I will never give up on my wife. Never. I will love her forever....

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: new york
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats, Dumbchick. That took guts and more. Maybe the moderators will let you change your username to Smartchick...because you just acted like one. Keep it up.

At some point you and your husband will need to decide if you will "out" your ex affair partner. His betrayed wife deserves the truth. Document your "digital and non-digital paper trail" (emails, texts, calls, etc.) and save. Your betrayed husband might want and deserves that info, and your xAP might call you a liar to save his own cheating ass. Expect it if you give his betrayed wife the truth, and possibly a denial induced response from her. After that, let the No Contact begin, and you and your husband can begin to heal and sort and see where you will go from here.

It's a big horrid mess. You ARE making important progress.

Big kudos, Dumb"Smart"Chick. Solid start and respect.

JD.

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 5:13 PM, October 28th (Monday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As hard as it was, and as much as it hurts, you did the right thing. Keep us posted on how things go from here. Best of luck to you.

Posts: 7213 | Registered: Dec 2010
hearthurts23
♀ New Member
Member # 40448
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did the right thing! I'm sure it's very hard but you should feel good that you have made some moves in the right direction, not like a piece of shit.
As painful as it is, IMO the only way you can have a truly happy future is to be 100% honest. It means so much to me that my husband confessed on his own when he didn't have to. He could have gotten away with it but chose to work through it with me.
I hope that in time your BS can see that you told him because you love him and want to work through this. You sound genuinely remorseful and are taking great steps with NC and counseling for yourself. I hope he gives you a chance to rebuild.

[This message edited by hearthurts23 at 9:22 PM, October 28th (Monday)]


Me - BS 23
Him - WS 24
His drunk ONS - 8/5/13 (sex was not completed)
DDay - 8/18/13
Junior High Sweethearts: Eachother's first & only before this.
Together 8 years, married 3 years.
No kids for awhile if at all, both in college.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Texas
dumbchick
♀ New Member
Member # 41138
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H is staying in a motel. I don't know how to prove to him that I love him and that he means the world to me. I am sort of a cold person I guess, pretty logical minded (except my dumb decision to cheat obviously). I am not good at sentimental things. What do I do to show him I love him?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Oct 2013
Maxiom
♂ Member
Member # 26001
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS Only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:02 PM, October 28th (Monday)]


Me: FBS/WS 41
Her FWS/BS 41
My DDay - March 10, 2007 Whole Truth - May 2007
Her DDay - March 2, 2011
True NC March 3, 2011

Posts: 462 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Canada
Hisbunnyonly
♀ Member
Member # 38414
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Staying totally honest with him. Support him. Give him space if he needs it but let him know you are still there if he needs anything. Go on and start a timeline (the who what when where why how, nitty gritty details) and put some deep thought into it. Dates, times everything. He may or may not want it, but that is his decision to make. My BH has my timeline locked up somewhere. H has chosen not to look at it at this time, but has it if he ever were to want it. Understand this will take lots of time and give him that time. Don't push him to "get over it" or "move on" don't justify your actions to him, as there is no justification. Also spend some time looking into yourself. Do you love yourself? Are there issues within you that you need to work out? Answer these questions to yourself honestly....bc it's important to know where you failed in order to succeed.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
harrypotter
♂ Member
Member # 39526
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dumbchick,

I know that was hard, but like so many of the other waywards have already told you it was the right thing to do. But you knew that, that's why you did it. After I had my ONS, I felt I needed to keep OW happy and make her go away quietly and never let my wife find out, that was my plan. All that plan did was facilitate me to lie more and more and continue on with her for months after. I never should have had the ONS but had I had the courage at that point to tell her like you did I wouldn't have done all the other stuff and told all those lies. I lost part of myself in that time and I continue to work at getting it back. I guess what I am trying to say is, everyone knows it's the right thing to do and a lot of us know what it's like to stand in front of the person you love most and tell them something like this so that advise didn't come from people who didn't know. I wish you both the very best, but no matter how this works out know that it was right and who knows how many less demons you may have to face now that you told him instead of trying to cover it up like me.


WS-Me
BS-Her (Lostinthismess)


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 19

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