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User Topic: The High Road
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One breath, one step, one day at a time No1.

The 180 is a simple thing not an easy thing.

From it, as you persist, you will begin to get some clarity.

So, for yourself and all those in your life you care for - persist.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you on her intent. She sent it in a text and she probably knows I looked. That's why I said I took a nosedive. I'm trying to be strong. She knows that she is my kryptonite. That would have been a great moment to gather strength and show her that I don't need to see her breasts anymore.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 504 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC suggested I do the love dare instead of 180. I did a quick review of the dares and this doesn't seem like the path for me. Good sound advice and concept but the biblical part is a little much.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 504 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doing good today. Haven't called or sent her a text. I have to admit though, this is almost like quitting an addiction.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 504 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Truly
♀ Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay strong, keep busy, look after yourself.
It always helps to be distracted, get distracted by the things you love to do. It always feels good, and then you smile; and smiling is wonderful.
No calls, no texts...just living in the IRL. I'm doing this too...again. Partly because I have lost my ability to speak at all and partly because I need to move on.
So, I am supposed to be working today but have just decided to spend the day at my youngest child's athletics day, should be a plethora of smiling opportunities there!


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1- I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I'm lost....I am helpless.
It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

2- I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
It isn't my fault. It still takes along time to get out.

3- I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in.....It's a habit.
My eyes are open. I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

4- I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5- I walk down a different street.

New addition:

2 1/2- I walk down the same street. She sends a booby text.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
It isn't my fault. She's looking for ego kibble.
I continue to work on my self-esteem.

There are 2 generalities about reconciliation that I'm going to share with you:
*It takes two to R. It takes both partners to do the heavy lifting. It takes 2. ("She has no desire to be married at the moment and can only think about moving out and being on her own." indicates very clearly she's not in R.
*Look at her ACTIONS for signs of remorse. Not empty words. Not breast texts. Look at her ACTIONS for a change of heart.

[This message edited by ladies_first at 5:27 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like the new edition. Lol


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 504 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still on the 180 road and I'm doing well. It feels like I am doing exactly what she wants me to do. I know this is to help me, but the indirect support I seem to be getting doesn't make my heart hurt less.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 504 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No one should ever tell you that the 'high road' is easy.

But it is worth it.

The 180 is not instant, nor is it to get a reaction from her.

It is for you - to gain perspective and time to work on you and make some space so that you can think more clearly.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm all over it Merlin. As with anything, it is not easy when you don't see results. I know this will be a long process and I'm dedicated to the cause...ME


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 504 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well the 180 seemed to get more of her attention than trying to love her back did. The text was an attempt to feed her own ego and prove to herself that you would come a runnin' if she snapped her fingers. Look up "sex as a weapon," some WW employ this with tactical mastery. You can only win by not playing the game.

180 is about you very true, but it allows you to rediscover what you may have sacrificed to be one half of a M. The trick is you shouldn't have to scarifice anything to be in a good M.

I used this analogy before, but lets say both partners have a numerical value. Let's say yours is 1 and hers is -1. When added together (M) it becomes 0, or nothing. Why would you continue in an arrangement that sums to less than what you are worth yourself ?

Anyway my point being that working yourself is something that never does you harm and eventually pays you dividends. No matter the outcome you are a better you (lets say you increase to a 2). Anything relationship you enter into in the future will be better off for it.

Based on a quick read on your W actions, she is used to manipulating you. The 180 is going to make anything she does immune. As you learn to sooth yourself, support yourself and be happy by yourself your W will probably try to pull you back in far enough to hide her negative number (-1). Don't let her.

Give it time. As your become more independent and "don't need her" she will have to address the fact that she took you for granted. Or she continues on the current path and it makes your resolution easier.

Really by working yourself is the only way you are going to come out on top. If you want you W after you find your inner strength, great, but the naviete is lost and R comes with conditions. Or you will get the satisfaction of knowing she needs you worse than you need her.

In a longer timeline, you hold all the cards. You can nice your W back to the M. Work on being the best you can be. You will be happier regardless of who is in your life.

I know it hurts now and it feels like your life is over, but really the good part is on the horizon, you just have to keep the focus on getting there (by yourself).

Take care of yourself, you don't deserve this, nobody does. Insulating yourself from the dysfunction of others brings you a peace and happiness that is unrivaled and can't be taken away.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2546 | Registered: May 2010
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So with the 180, do I let her figure out on her own that I am moving on? I've been tempted to tell her in not so many words, but that is how I would usually
act.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 504 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No need to announce your intentions.

As you have been left in wonder and doubt, so should she.

Give her the gift of missing you and let her figure out what that means to her.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tried to keep it cool but she got furious with me because she found out that I put all of my money in a separate account. We had some words. I want nice about our but didn't yell. Let her know I was done


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 504 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Crushed1
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good move to separate your money. She could be planning to drain the account. (She is still insistent on moving out isn't she?) Let her throw fits all she wants to but don't let her engage you. Say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk off. She is trying to manipulate you with that behavior and also by sending you that breast pic.

Let her see how her life is going to be without you and your money as her backup. The 180 will become easier as you implement it more.

Stay strong No1!


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9671 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
Shocked2believe
♀ Member
Member # 41010
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! ((N12T2)). Strength to you. You're doing so very well IMHA. Keep going!

I'd like to say right now that I'm very new to this site so don't feel that I have enough to contribute from my own personal experience but boy I could certainly identify with you (I'm only 5 months after DD, WH is having a MLC, very very far from any family and WH remains "friends" with the OW who is a work colleague).

So when I read your initial post I could completely comprehend your emotions. It took me a while to find this site but the advice on here has been invaluable. All I want to say though is I think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I do not have the power to the change anybody else other than myself. So it's my responsibility to make ME happy and it's not dependant on anyone else. So that's how I'm viewing the 180, a journey to discover who I am and what makes me happy. Once I find that then I'm good and its my WS who will be left wondering who he is. Whether we're still together or not I can know I can love me and be happy still without depending on anyone else for my happiness.

Don't be fooled, It's a long and bumpy road to self discovery and I struggle every day still but keep going. Keep strong N12T2. Just come back here every time you need help because the advice is incredible as I've seen with all the replies you've received. And soon you'll find someone will say something that makes so much sense to you you'll go 'Wow'. My thoughts are with you. Look after the most Important person first YOU!


Me: BS Married 10 years, together 20
Him:WH - EA with engaged COW.

'If you come into my life, the door is open; If you leave my life, the door is open; Just one request, don't stand in the doorway, you're blocking the traffic'


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she is freaking out about money, you must now figure out how to make sure that she does not max out your credit cards, debit accounts and such too.

I found that once the cash spigot is turned off, they will go for any funding source they can find.

The day I filed, I closed all joint accounts (including utility accounts) and re-opened them in my name only). As you are not yet in the legal system, you may need to find other means to guard yourself.

But please be both aware and alert.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the strength and encouragement. Today is supposed to be a happy day. It's our 12 year Anniversary. After 2 months of pleading, being desperate and needy, I have taken another step towards healing myself. I have decided that today will mark a new occasion. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, with or without her.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 504 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
No12turn2
♂ Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merlin,
We have never had credit cards. I have a credit line on my bank account but it is maxed. I came home last night and she was wearing her ring. I think she actually put it on so she could take it off in front of me again. She ended up throwing it at me and immediately picked it up. She said she now needs to sell it to get money and placed it on her bed side table. I took my ring of as well and placed it next to hers. Even offered for her to sell it as well.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 504 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A cogent move No1.

Subtle and powerful.

Persistence is all.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 48
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