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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Anyone else's WH say they no longer want to be monogamous?
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sue, you ementioned in your first post that you had lost every penny to your name. And that was a giant red flag to me. Because my husband's infidelity went hand in hand with a lot of financial problems caused by him, also. I don't know your circumstances and whether this is the same for you. But I do know that my WH has been semi-detached in our marriage in every aspect. He has never committed himself to doing the hard things it would take to provide for us. He regularly drops the ball and leaves me to pick it up. Now I'm seeing that the sexual infidelity was just one aspect of a wider pattern of selfishness within the marriage.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
shatter-ed
♀ Member
Member # 27159
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By the way the 'no longer want to be monogamous' is just selfishness and diversion tactics. If he truly didn't want to be monogamous i.e thought this out before all of this he would of followed (if he has a brain) polygirl's recommendations to begin with.

At the end of the day if his values don't align yours then that's a dealbreaker.

None of our while WS wanted to be monogamous while in their A for whatever reason! Have his values really changed or is he just still in a very thick fog?


BS (me)
WH
3 amazing kids.
R - trying.
DDay - 06/11/09 MOW desperate fugly neighbor

Posts: 599 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: uk
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart goes out to you Sue (I'm a Sue too.) I understand that you love your WH and get along with him. I get along great with my STBXH and love him dearly.

Sometimes you can love someone, but not be able to be with them. Guard your heart the best you can. My STBX is definitely SA. I just cannot be M to him right now. He has a lot of work to do on himself and his addiction. Even if he was 'cured' tomorrow, I still don't know if I could ever R with him. There is too much hurt between us.

You are the only one who can decide what you are willing to put up with, but sometimes you just have to let a WH go.

You didn't create this situation. You can't fix it. You can only take care of yourself.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1861 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, Sue - Sorry a bit late to this thread. But I do have some thoughts to share with you.

1. You H is using the wanting an open relationship theme to make it ok for what he is choosing to do. He is still not following the standard rules of an open relationship, and that is being completely open and honest with each other. This relationship with OW is built on lies and bullshit. I would eat my hat if you did find someone else and he would be OK with it. Of course he wants you to agree to it, because he KNOWS you well enough to know that is not something you would be interested in doing.

2. If you choose to try to make this thing work, then you need to step up to the plate, and play some REAL Hard ball. He is living in unicorns farting raindows ville right now, and that shit needs to end.
You need to lay down the rules and the law or R. He either chooses to follow them, or he leaves, and goes back to living in Moms basement because YOU didn't choose this. HE did. YOU deserve the respect of any wife, and if he cant give it on his own, then you will have to demand it, or show him the door.
NO ONE here ever NICED their relationship back to healthy. Most of us have tried on some level, but figured out it didn't work, and at some point dug through the closet, and found those 6" red leather, stiletto, thigh high Bitch Boots, and slipped those suckers on and demanded the respect we deserved, and also laid down the rules of R. If they weren't willing to play that was ok too.

We get that you love him, but think what you are teaching your kids, that it's ok to disrepect your spouse, and make them sick and a doormat? NO that is not healthy, and will only perpetuate the cycle of unhealthy M's. They are much better off seeing a Mom who demands the respect you deserve.

Doing the 180 is a great way for you to find yourself, and get strong again. It also will let you gain some perspective on things. You know in your heart this is all kinds of wrong and f'd up, but you also love this man. However if he was a drug addict and said, I still love you and want to stay with you, but I'm going to shoot this heroin every day, and I don't care what you think. would you tolerate it? NO, would you still love him? Sure, but you would also protect yourself and your family.

Keep posting, keep reading.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8709 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can continue to just be ok with what he's doing and keep our marriage together, or we can split and be in separate bedrooms in the same house (we have finally gotten out of my step-mom's house, but can't afford two places)

I'm at work (shh! lol) and could only skim the 3 pages of posts, but I'm kind of curious - why can't lover boy stay at his OW's place?

Is there a reason she can't take him in? Does she have a boyfriend or significant other that may not be of the same "no more monogamy!" mindset that your husband has suddenly decreed?

Personally, I'd make my own new rule and force it down HIS throat - marriage in separate residences.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1811 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
sueonthemove
♀ New Member
Member # 41145
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lauren123...

My only real response is musicians. The ones who 'don't make it' and still try to (even if he says he's not) always seem to have a lot of problems. I'm assuming he doesn't actually work in the music industry? Because they talk

I'm around a lot of them. It's ridiculous. Is this a covers band for upscale events or is this covers in a pub or even worse is it originals?

TBH. I would never let my husband have a woman in his band. NEVER. Those recording sessions (if the band is earning enough), the rehearsals?

Fuck that.

He needs to be out of that band. And he needs to be out of your life if he doesn't end it straight away.

Turn up to one of their gigs and confront the slut. INFRONT of the rest of the band.

Easiest way to split them all up.
I mean do they have industry connections (i.e someone that could give him a job tutoring, lecturing etc)? If not I seriously can't see one reason for them to be together.

Feel free to PM me the name of the band and I'll have a look at them.

That's a lot of assumptions. He's been a career musician for 30 years... has played with some of the best musicians in the world. He freelances... is not in a band with the OW... they have a duo and write together.

[This message edited by sueonthemove at 11:30 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 42
Him: WH 53
OW: desperate, lonely and trashy widow, 60
Together: 18 years
Married: 15 years
3 kids: 14, 11 and 8
D-day #1 6/10/13
False R
D-day #2 9/8/13

Separate bedrooms, same house and he is still with OW.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013
sueonthemove
♀ New Member
Member # 41145
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm at work (shh! lol) and could only skim the 3 pages of posts, but I'm kind of curious - why can't lover boy stay at his OW's place?

Is there a reason she can't take him in? Does she have a boyfriend or significant other that may not be of the same "no more monogamy!" mindset that your husband has suddenly decreed?

Personally, I'd make my own new rule and force it down HIS throat - marriage in separate residences.

Thanks for piping in while at work And yes, that's a valid question. He says he will not live apart from the kids and doesn't want to live with her... he wants to live with me. Also, she lives over an hour away (thank God). They actually don't see each other all that much, but the EA is continuing in full force.

He's been telling me that it's becoming more about the music (they write together as well) and less about the sex. I'm finally waking up and realizing that's more bullshit.


Me: BS 42
Him: WH 53
OW: desperate, lonely and trashy widow, 60
Together: 18 years
Married: 15 years
3 kids: 14, 11 and 8
D-day #1 6/10/13
False R
D-day #2 9/8/13

Separate bedrooms, same house and he is still with OW.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013
sueonthemove
♀ New Member
Member # 41145
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

standinghere...

Wow, who has he been talking to...or is the fog just really thick there

"He started trying to argue that monogamy was a societal expectation that ruined families starting during the Roman empire"

For the record, my WH did not say this (someone else commented that their XH had said that).

My husband has definitely said lots of crazy stuff, but that's not something he'd say

[This message edited by sueonthemove at 11:29 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 42
Him: WH 53
OW: desperate, lonely and trashy widow, 60
Together: 18 years
Married: 15 years
3 kids: 14, 11 and 8
D-day #1 6/10/13
False R
D-day #2 9/8/13

Separate bedrooms, same house and he is still with OW.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013
sueonthemove
♀ New Member
Member # 41145
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shatter-ed...

None of our while WS wanted to be monogamous while in their A for whatever reason! Have his values really changed or is he just still in a very thick fog?

I truly hope it's just a thick fog. But, he keeps telling me that he has never believed in monogamy, that he did it only because it's what I needed and that he has made the decision for HIM that that he's no longer going to live by societies rules. He also says it's not about HER (OW), and that if it's not her, it will be someone else.

Nice eh?


Me: BS 42
Him: WH 53
OW: desperate, lonely and trashy widow, 60
Together: 18 years
Married: 15 years
3 kids: 14, 11 and 8
D-day #1 6/10/13
False R
D-day #2 9/8/13

Separate bedrooms, same house and he is still with OW.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013
sueonthemove
♀ New Member
Member # 41145
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PolyGal...

Anyway I agree that this guy is giving real poly a bad name, and I agree he needs to get hit with a clue x 4. While I agree with him in the sense that I know what it is like to truly love more than one person, and to not feel diminished love for my existing partners when I take a new partner, the way that he has gone about it is not appropriate, and is cheating. And if anyone took the time to read about poly they would see this. Perhaps the OP could share this resource with him *if* she's willing to consider R and willing to consider changing the dynamic. But I agree, OP, if this is not something that you think would be good for you, definitely don't go for it. You are not obligated to accept this. And even if you do decide to dip your toes in poly, you don't have to accept his AP. But if you read through the information in that link, it can help with thinking about what healthy poly generally looks like, and where your WH is going wrong.

Thank you for the great insight about poly. I'm quite certain it's not for me... the only reason I would (have been?) agreeing to it is because I don't want to be apart from my husband. If it's truly what he wants, I can't see it working... it's just too painful (especially the way he has gone about it).


Me: BS 42
Him: WH 53
OW: desperate, lonely and trashy widow, 60
Together: 18 years
Married: 15 years
3 kids: 14, 11 and 8
D-day #1 6/10/13
False R
D-day #2 9/8/13

Separate bedrooms, same house and he is still with OW.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013
sueonthemove
♀ New Member
Member # 41145
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tushnurse...

That's awesome advice... thank you so much for taking the time to share it with me


Me: BS 42
Him: WH 53
OW: desperate, lonely and trashy widow, 60
Together: 18 years
Married: 15 years
3 kids: 14, 11 and 8
D-day #1 6/10/13
False R
D-day #2 9/8/13

Separate bedrooms, same house and he is still with OW.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he keeps telling me that he has never believed in monogamy


Really? So for 18 years, and through 3 kids, he never mentioned this lifelong belief? WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT. Honestly, how do these people say such things with a straight face?

Sue, screw him. Seriously, screw him. You donít need the bullshit heís trying to feed you, and thatís what this is. Never believed in monogamy. Right, sure thing. Tell me you donít believe that, and tell me you told him to take his lifelong Ďbeliefí and shove it up his ass!

So he slept in the other room by choice. Ooooooo, how dramatic. He did it to show you that heís willing to push this. I say you push him right out the damned door. You have 3 kids with him. You can afford where you live because heíll still be paying it Ė he just wonít be there.

I think itís time you show him what his Ďfun, sex filled lifeí is really going to be Ė him broke paying your bills while you move on and find REAL love from a REAL man. He isnít going to be the carefree guy that comes and goes as he pleases and doesnít keep his word and does whatever he wants. Heíll be just like every other person that cheats and thinks there is a better life outside Ė broke, missing his family, and wondering why he couldnít pull his head out of his ass.

He wants to show you what sleeping alone will be like, and what your life will be like if you donít agree to his emotional blackmail? Fine. Show him what being a part-time dad without two nickels to rub together feels like, and be sure to let him know that you will, WHEN (not if, when) you meet the right man, be bringing your new love home with you.

Donít let him think that his life will be grand while yours is filled with pain if you donít allow him to be the pig he desperately wants to be. It wonít. Heís seen it a million times, and he, like the rest, thinks his life will be different. It wonít. Heíll be viewed as that screw up that screwed around and was shown the door, and people will ask why you didnít do that sooner, and you will ask yourself that.

You deserve better. You can get better. Make sure you are setting yourself up for your own happiness and the happiness of your children. He doesnít need to live there to be responsible for the bills, as his children are there. If his presence is too painful, the get rid of him.

Being home with your family should make you happy. Heís ruining that. Get rid of him.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
sueonthemove
♀ New Member
Member # 41145
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

painfulpast...

He did actually say to me once, while we were dating, that he didn't believe in monogamy... that it wasn't "natural". It stung at the time, but I didn't really think much of it (silly me). So, part of me feels like I was used to have babies, and now he's going to live the life he's always believed he wanted.

I totally get everything you're saying. The problem is... I AM THE MAIN EARNER. He has never been. I have basically supported us for the entire 18 years.

And right now, we're both rebuilding our careers after a big crash a couple years ago. I am very close to things taking off again, so I know that the finances will turn around for me, but at this point, our combined income is barely enough for our one home. If (when) I kick him out, he will basically be living in poverty on the cash that he makes. I don't really want this for my kids' dad, but I get that him being here is totally WRONG.


Me: BS 42
Him: WH 53
OW: desperate, lonely and trashy widow, 60
Together: 18 years
Married: 15 years
3 kids: 14, 11 and 8
D-day #1 6/10/13
False R
D-day #2 9/8/13

Separate bedrooms, same house and he is still with OW.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Sue)))))
I have been the main bread winner in our marriage also..My WH is blatantly un remorseful..

He is also unemployed without pension and savings.. It is his greed and disregard for me that will make D nasty, painful and possibly ruin me financially, as he plans to go after my pension when we D if I don't have anything to offer him that is better..

With that being said I still plan to D him but I am biding my time..There will come a point in time very soon that WH will have to go back to work..

I am living off of full retirement pension , I am unable to work at this time due to health reasons..WH seems to be living off of unemployment and his unemployment payout monthly is pretty much the same as my monthly pension..

Anyway, even if I physically could, I would still be reluctant to go back to work in a full time job before any divorce is final because I don't want the income I can make at what I am trained to do to be factored in a divorce settlement...

A long time ago, when I realized that my WH lacked the remorse it took to rebuild, I took measures to separate our finances in the best way that I could..
I emptied out our joint savings of 1/2 of the money..

I started my own checking/savings and all of my paychecks (now pension checks) go there..I have my own credit/credit cards..None of the joint credit cards were ever in my name as the primary person that the bill gets sent to...

So my advice would be to protect yourself way ahead of time so that you see a way out of your situation and M should your WH not wake up and come out of the fog that he is in..

Try to protect yourself from the impact that leaving an unemployed or under employed spouse would have on your finances as the main wage earner..

When or if you file for D don't be surprised if your WH suddenly turns mean or greedy..

Good to be prepared for the worst while hoping for the best..

Sending you strength..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:05 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should mysteriously disappear a few evenings a week. Say you need some time and can he look after the kids? Then disappear, get home late. Drive him nuts. See how he likes being at the receiving end.

I'm evil that way.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should mysteriously disappear a few evenings a week. Say you need some time and can he look after the kids? Then disappear, get home late. Drive him nuts. See how he likes being at the receiving end.

^^^This

It's amazing how fast they change their tune when they realize they aren't the only one who can stop being monogamous.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13809 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's been telling me that it's becoming more about the music (they write together as well) and less about the sex.

With his actions heĎs telling you that the relationship you two have is more about convenience and less about respect and marriage.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get that him being here is totally WRONG.

It's only wrong if you don't want him there. This is your life and you need to live it how you want.

If he only has $20 to his name, then it's your $20. I know you don't want that for your kids' dad, but right now, he's thinking about himself enough for the both of you. You only need to worry about yourself and your kids. Besides, he's probably like most, and when the real reality of what he's doing sinks in via no home life, broke as can be, and living a miserable existence, his fairy Tale will end and heíll see through the fog.

And saying it once, instead of it being a real belief about relationships? Not really something Iíd consider. Iíve made comments about having multiple spouses before. I donít really want that, and I canít claim that, in 18 years, I really meant it, and my H should have known. Weíve ALL said off the wall things in some strange state of mind.

If he really thought monogamy wasnít Ďnaturalí or he didnít believe in it, he certainly would have said more by now. Thatís a major aspect of ones self. And he definitely should have brought this up when you were first discussing marriage, not after he finds a girlfriend (or second mommy).


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
sueonthemove
♀ New Member
Member # 41145
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should mysteriously disappear a few evenings a week. Say you need some time and can he look after the kids? Then disappear, get home late. Drive him nuts. See how he likes being at the receiving end.

Oh geez, I hate to admit how much I like this idea. We have recently moved to a small town where I don't know very many people, so not sure who I'd go out with... hmmm... maybe I should take up a seat at the bar... in my skinny jeans and f**k me boots he he he


Me: BS 42
Him: WH 53
OW: desperate, lonely and trashy widow, 60
Together: 18 years
Married: 15 years
3 kids: 14, 11 and 8
D-day #1 6/10/13
False R
D-day #2 9/8/13

Separate bedrooms, same house and he is still with OW.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013
UpInTheAirNow
♂ Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please go see a lawyer. Protect yourself and your children. Find out what your rights are. Serve him with divorce papers. Then call his parents and tell them why you kicked him out. You dont have to go through with it but it might snap him out of his fog. Also get STD tested.
It's very hard to think clearly while being betrayed. We know all too well.


ME 44
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.
Its a deal breaker!

Posts: 167 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 89
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