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Newest Member: janedivided (44684)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Anyone else's WH say they no longer want to be monogamous?
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if you feel that you can't leave WH physically, you can leave him in mind and spirit ..

Here is what leaving my WH ( in mind-spirit) looks like for me until I can leave him physically..

I live in the same house with him( for the time being), but I don't cook or do laundry for WH.. We sleep in separate bedrooms..No sex between us...All of our finances are separate..I come and go and do as I please...When were at home at the same time, we lounge about in separate rooms..

I am not doing these things just temporarily, until WH gets his head out of his butt..This is how I survive in a long term bad situation until I can get out and into a place of my own..It is too late for WH and I to R at this point, I wouldn't want WH back..

Once I realized WH was un remorseful his wants and needs blew off of my radar, they weren't of my concern any more...

I may still be physically in the same house as WH but the lady that was once my WH's wife left my body and mind a while back..."So close but oh, so far away"....

If your WH thrives off of your detachment from him, that will give you some important answers as to where he is at mentally in regards to how he values your M..
Just saying......

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:08 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sue, I just read this whole thread. I totally get it, and from my perspective father down the road, I remember where you are and how your thinking makes sense to you now. Everyone here has your best interest and has been down a similar path, they are just trying to tell you what's coming.

I just want to add this. You do need to see a lawyer ASAP, regardless of what you think right now. BECAUSE you are the primary earner, you are more at risk. Who's to say your WH won't decide to file and leave first? Sue you for alimony and child support so he CAN go live elsewhere and sleep with other women on your dime? I am surprised that the many here who have had that experience haven't mentioned this yet. You NEED to protect yourself.

I totally agree you need to get your ducks in a row before any ultimatums or such, but YOU also need to be prepared for him to turn the tables on you.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1466 | Registered: Jun 2011
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. Depending on where you live you could get totally screwed when he goes to file. If you earn more it won't matter if he is the cheater. Sadly. You will have to pony up and watch him take your money along with other women.

Get to an attorney ASAP to find out your rites.


Posts: 5632 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He claims that allowing him to do what he needs to do is actually GOOD for our marriage.

My FWS actually said the same thing. He was in numerous EAs, PAs in 11 years we've been together. He even told me I should have a lover myself that I pick and that he'll watch me have sex with him cause that will get him off too... He was way in the fog and in denial of his actions. My FWS was a better person now and could not believe he even thought that way now and was very happy that I gave him another chance but at the same time, truly hard-line imposed boundaries for him to follow.

You said you're the main earner. How would it feel to take half of what you've earned towards any bastards he would conceive with the other women? I am the main earner in my family too. NO WAY IN HELL would I let a bastard and OW take MY HARD EARNED money that's meant for my family, specifically my kids. I would happily divorce my remorseful FWS if there were any bastard that shows up asking him for money, and I will sue for him for money too. FWS knows this and thankfully he knows for sure not one of his multiple PAs got pregnant, one pretended to be thinking HE was earning the large money cause he pretended he was the one earning that cash to her.

Hope this gives you some perspective. You're not the type that's ok for an open marriage. Not with what we see you've written.

Hugs your way.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't even think it matters who files first, that is what lawyers have told me..

I don't have little kids to worry about thank God, mine are grown and on their own..

I think it pays to take time , get advice and prepared to take the hit in finances in the case D occurs while you are the main wage earner..

In my case I am waiting for my WH to get a full time job before I file, almost any full time job he would work would pay more than what I get monthly in pension income..His unemployment benefits should be running out soon...



Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
sueonthemove
♀ New Member
Member # 41145
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently...

He's "allowed" to meet her for lunch, or take her to bed. He's told you he has no intention of being monogamous.
There have been no consequences for him reneging on his marriage vows.
He's rewriting the rules ...

True, but it's still nice to know that although he had a really easy opportunity to see her today (they can't see each other much... she's an hour away and we only have one car), he chose not to.

You've crossed over into negative reinforcement if "biting your tongue" is your only response to polygamy.
ETA: Positive reinforcement for him and his behavior. Negative reinforcement for your brain.

I'm not "biting my tongue" anymore. I'm doing the 180 and detaching myself from him and living my life for me.

Here is what leaving my WH ( in mind-spirit) looks like for me until I can leave him physically..

I live in the same house with him( for the time being), but I don't cook or do laundry for WH.. We sleep in separate bedrooms..No sex between us...All of our finances are separate..I come and go and do as I please...When were at home at the same time, we lounge about in separate rooms..

That's pretty much what it's like for us right now (as of a couple days ago when I started the 180) and I'm ok with it.

My FWS actually said the same thing. He was in numerous EAs, PAs in 11 years we've been together. He even told me I should have a lover myself that I pick and that he'll watch me have sex with him cause that will get him off too... He was way in the fog and in denial of his actions. My FWS was a better person now and could not believe he even thought that way now and was very happy that I gave him another chance but at the same time, truly hard-line imposed boundaries for him to follow.

That's encouraging. I'm still not ready to rule out R with WH, but in the meantime I am detaching without expectations.

[This message edited by sueonthemove at 10:13 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 42
Him: WH 53
OW: desperate, lonely and trashy widow, 60
Together: 18 years
Married: 15 years
3 kids: 14, 11 and 8
D-day #1 6/10/13
False R
D-day #2 9/8/13

Separate bedrooms, same house and he is still with OW.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For a time, the xPervert wanted both OW and me, but I couldn't do it. OW can and is staying in an "open relationship" with him...but I couldn't face it.

And I also understand that a person can still be cheated on in these relationships, or that it doesn't STOP cheating from happening-it seems to primarily broaden the boundaries for the people in them?

I have a friend whose husband recently told her just about the same thing-he did not say the word "monogamous" -but recently told her they were done with physical things and to go find someone she could be with "that way", for he LHBWNILWH. To me it sounds fishy but she is in the beginning of hearing it and wishing she wasn't.

He's a traveling person for his job, so right there was a big red flag...

Anyway...I'm sorry for your struggle and glad that you're questioning your values. Just because one person's values change, doesn't mean we all have to. Part of the reason I filed was to show what I stood for, even if it's standing alone.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 11:55 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2197 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you wonít/canít ask him to leave, you should set the ground rules so he knows what to expect. Write down the monthly bills, and what his half of that is, and make him pay it. You may not be able to afford being on your own, but you should NOT be paying for anything that is his, and half the rent is his. Also, once youíve split ALL the bills (phone, cable, electric, heat, rent, insurance, etc) then inform him that he is responsible for purchasing his own food and for giving you $40 per week for half of your childís food.

Do NOT support him in any way while he is behaving like this. If his salary as a musician doesnít cover it, then he can just go get a day job. Too bad Ė heís in his 50ís and if the money from music isnít enough to cover his own share of the bills then he should have given it up years ago, because at this point itís a hobby, not a career. He wants to alter his life to his liking? Then he can pay for it!

I would do it in writing, first by itemizing the bills and showing what half is, and then by explaining that he will, from now on, purchase his own food, toiletries, miscellaneous items, etc. and that he will be expected to contribute towards the childís costs. At the end I would give him a total, and tell him what that equals weekly. Anything else is supporting his sleazy cheating ass. DO NOT DO THIS PLEASE!!!

If he has any questions about this, tell him that you will discuss this with him, but ONLY this. Donít back down. If you are paying more than half, then you can afford to remove him completely. Youíre still living with him due to finances, so make him pay his share, and nothing less is acceptable, even for one week.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1878 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still not ready to rule out R with WH, but in the meantime I am detaching without expectations.

Attempting R with a person who is not willing to R is like trying to bail out a boat full of holes with a mesh bucket. You can't do it on your own.

It is hard to let go of a life that you have become so used to. Change is terrifying.

My marriage didn't seem that bad to me before the A. We tried to R, kept our same routine, but time wore me down. He didn't change, I did all the work and one day I woke up screaming ENOUGH! to myself.

As the others said, do what you have to to protect yourself, see a lawyer, get all your paperwork and financials organized. The threat of a D is like a splash of cold water in his warm fluffy magical world. You can't love him back but you can make him see that you are not a door mat, you are his wife and you are due respect!

((hugs)) and suppport from all of us.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 89
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