just venting....nothing really happend lately. all the same things are happening...mc, ic, aa...him being remorseful.
i guess i was just feeling a little sad today...thinking that i am one of the many women whose husband had "multiple affairs." yep...mine did that.
i was talking to a male friend a long time ago when i found out about the yoga girl...i wanted to believe that she was the only one. and then my friend told me that most of the time there has been more than one....he just happend to get caught with the yoga girl.
and it is true. the yoga girl was just one. there were others. he was a cheater.....and it was not just one affair he had.
makes me feel a little blue.
any other "multiples" out there? how are you dealing?
i am about a year into real r. and sometimes it just sucks.
It's so rough sometimes. Sending big hugs.
i guess in a way, i always "knew" that there were others. the yoga girl was just the one he got caught with.
i guess now i know the full truth about my h...and what he has really being doing in our m.
And then I went to a support group and told them a little of my story and the guy leading it said, in passing almost, that my WH was a "serial adulterer". In that moment, I realized that he was.
It took many months for my denial to break away and when it did I knew the only option was to file for divorce.
I'd like to say we're doing great, and in some ways we are. I love him, and I truly believe that he loves me. I'm just not always sure that he actually wants to deal with this, you know? He'll say he's full of remorse, he's read the books, done some posting, but I just have trouble some days. It's like he only starts to make a real effort when I have a really bad day, and otherwise it's just, let's just be happy and ignore everything else. I don't know. I'm still here, and so is he, so we're a work in progress, I guess.
"Long is the way And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light" -John Milton, Paradise Lost
JM then had a ONS shortly after I had a miscarriage when our ds was less than a year old. He confessed almost immediately and we rugswept. He insisted that he could never, would never hurt me like that again. He was drinking with a bunch of guys at the lake and ran into some chick he'd known from HS. They did it in the nasty lake water. He was ashamed and disgusted with himself and PROMISED he would never do that again.
Then, in 2008, he started talking to an old GF. It started out as him wanting to just make amends for treating her and her family horrible. I was cool with that. But it progressed to yahoo IMs, texting, calling, etc. I expressed several times that I was uncomfortable with the contact, and he would reassure me that he understood, promise NC, and then I'd find another chat or email. I got sent to rehab, and found out after I got home that he had spent 10X the amount of time talking to her on the phone as he did me, while I was up alone in BFE trying to get sober. I demanded MC at that time, and went completely psycho on the OW/ex-GF. She apparently decided that whatever they had wasn't worth dealing with my level of crazy, so she went NC on him. He went to one MC appointment and refused to go back. I needed to get/stay sober and knew I couldn't end my M at the same time, so I agreed, again, to rug-sweep that A. But I continued in IC and got better and stronger. I told him I would not go thru another A.
Dday1 for the last A was the day after my birthday, 3 days after Christmas, 2 weeks after our anniversary. I found an email he had written to yet another OW ON OUR ANNIVERSARY. I truly thought I was done then. I just wanted him out of my house, out of my life. He moved into an apt, professed undying love and determination to do whatever it took to win me back and rebuild our family. 5 days after moving in the apt, he called the OW and was back on with her. We went through a false R, and then the final blow up when I found out all the truth.
Whew. That all sounds horrible and pathetic when I see it written out like that. But what I have to remember is that in December 1996, 2 very broken people spoke vows with no freaking idea what we were promising, nor any tools for successfully keeping those promises. We banged around for almost 15 years, and almost destroyed each other.
The year 2011 was a time of completely tearing down everything we had built between us, and rebuilding on a new, solid foundation. That work has continued. Today I can say that neither of us resembles the people we were a few years ago. He looks people in the eye, smiles, engages genuinely. He is compassionate and generous and confident. He has taken the lead in our healing and in our spiritual growth.
I have become a woman who trusts people. Isn't that crazy? That this experience is what allowed me to develop trust in other people? I am much more calm. I'm willing to follow, willing to defer to others. I'm not a doormat, but I don't have to have my way all the time either. I trust JM enough to tell him the truth and let him know the real me. I tell the truth about money, and medication use and family issues. I don't unilaterally make decisions and expect him to be on board.
I didn't mean to write a novel, but just wanted to say, you can have an awful, ugly beginning that turns into a truly happy ending. I am glad that I stayed, because this man in my life now, he is the one I have loved for 17 years. The one I always saw, just beneath the surface. The one JM pretended didn't exist. We are happy now. (But I do have sad days too, and I totally get where you're coming from.)
Over the weekend I met my WH's best friend's GF only to find out my WH had sex with her before he met me 17 years ago. This happened while with his exGF. This new revelation now has me questioning everything about him. Now I know he cheated in his relationship prior to me. We never had a chance.
The one he confessed to lasted about 2 years, the others were one time or a few times... It's really, really hard to even look at him sometimes.
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
I am sorry you are struggling. We are a multiples. In a way, after a lot of reflection, it made it easier to understand. It made it easier to understand the level of her brokenness. It made it easier to understand that it had nothing to do with me.
It had nothing to do with me or the OMs. The chances if her finding someone better than me were slim . but the chances of finding 4 someones better than me was impossible. She pretty much just jumped on any opportunity that came down the pike. She had no boundaries and no self respect.
That gave her a starting place to heal. And her work to heal gave me hope.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
But I have a remorseful husband who is in IC(since July of this year), he is being honest, reading, is present. He is not selfish anymore. We are both committed to us, I'm not the passive wife anymore....I know how I deserve to be treated & we both share our needs. The result is honest communication, laughter, compassion, love and awesome sex.
Get the sadness out & then do something positive for yourself and your husband and keep repeating because this is a roller coaster.
I agree with Chico, it had nothing to do with you and that they did not have boundaries or self respect. Do you feel your husband has boundaries and self respect now?
Most days are really good. Yesterday was bad. I triggered from a dream then came to SI to read and got another trigger from someone's else's post. I stewed all night. He finally cornered me this morning and said "What is wrong? What can I do to help you?" He never would have done that before.
I just try to live and love him one day at a time. Some days, like yesterday and this morning, I want to strangle him for putting all 4 of us thru this mess. Most days, I'm so happy he finally took his head out of his ass.
I have the husband that I deserve now. He's kind, thoughtful, loving and considerate of my feelings. He's present in our marriage again.
It's just hard to forget about that other guy that I was married to for so long. That guy that had sex with 4 other women, fell "in lurve" with 2 of them, sexted with porn chicks and walked out on his family because "this is the path my life must go on now". Selfish prick!
I'm happy to be in reconcilation. But, damn it's hard sometimes...
(((hugs to us all)))
i remember when i first learned of the yoga girl, my granny encouraged me to r...and told me that it can all work out...and that it is good it was "only one....most times it is more...you just never know about it." well, she was right..it was in fact "more than one." seems like it is all part of the cheating behavior.
its an ugly thing...and people dont talk about it...i am so glad that SI is here to help...and provide support.
before i was so embarrassed that my h had more than one a. i didnt want to come to terms with it...being in denial. but i guess i "knew."
i am thankful to have SI to talk to.
2 ONS + 1 EA = 3
I caught the EA. He admitted to the 2 ONS...sadly I don't believe that's all there was.
Lots of line crossing -- flirting, FB friending, phone number exchanging -- it's all cheating as far as I'm concerned.
Profiles on 2 dating websites -- cheating.
Inappropriate boundaries for our entire marriage -- cheating.
Cheating, cheating, cheating.
And yet, here I am. Desperately wanting to R.
At this point I believe there's more. I don't know if I will ever believe he hasn't omitted much more than what he's admitted to.
I do believe there are usually more...unless they don't get away with the 1st. Then, there's a chance, that will be the only A...but as long as they're getting away with it, I don't believe they stop themselves at just one.
4 OW that I know of but OW#2 reappeared years later. So I count it as 5 affairs, one of them was an EA, the others were all EA/PA.
I know for sure the first one was only an EA because she lived overseas. I am sure there are more. H has only admitted to what I found out and confronted him about. I discovered OW#4 (affair #5) on my own. The others came to light down the road.
It sucks, it really does.