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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: There was more than one....
HoneyMe
♀ Member
Member # 40613
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 affairs.I caught the last one and then he confessed the next day to two more after I threw his sorry-butt out. I has a naive and trusting wife. He took advantage of that. He is now the man that he should have been all along. It took losing me and our daughters to turn himself around. If there is a #4, I am gone and he knows that. I don;t think I would be here if I knew about the first two earlier. None of the women were special, only easy.
I am no longer naive or trusting, he lost that. But, he has been here every day with me doing whatever it takes to heal us and me. He has not wavered a bit about his remorse or commitment to healing. Our days now are good and sometimes even that is so hard because it is such a reminder that we could have had this all along.


3 A's
Blinded-sided DD 9/2011
Again 11/2011 and then more truth the next day. Separated 4 months. 2012, the year of truth and reconciliation.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Sep 2013
HoneyMe
♀ Member
Member # 40613
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 affairs.I caught the last one and then he confessed the next day to two more after I threw his sorry-butt out. I was a naive and trusting wife. He took advantage of that. He is now the man that he should have been all along. It took losing me and our daughters to turn himself around. If there is a #4, I am gone and he knows that. I don;t think I would be here if I knew about the first two earlier. None of the women were special, only easy.
I am no longer naive or trusting, he lost that. But, he has been here every day with me doing whatever it takes to heal us and me. He has not wavered a bit about his remorse or commitment to healing. Our days now are good and sometimes even that is so hard because it is such a reminder that we could have had this all along.


3 A's
Blinded-sided DD 9/2011
Again 11/2011 and then more truth the next day. Separated 4 months. 2012, the year of truth and reconciliation.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Sep 2013
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

since i started this thread, i had a conversation with another male relative of mine. he again confirmed that of course there was more than one affair...i just "happend" to find out about one of them...and then that led to the truth about the others coming out. he told me that it is rare that a cheating husband has only cheated one time. MOST of the time, he has cheated plenty...just never got caught. when they get caught, and they are remorseful...that is when they may stop and come out of the cheating fog.

but they rarely just say..."oh...i feel so bad about having sex with this one woman. i am never going to do it again!" if they dont get caught the first time...and get away with it..they keep at it. not all cases...but that is how the whole cheating game works.

i agree. when i found out that my h cheated...i was in denial..and foolishily believed the yoga girl was it. when i found out about what he was really doing...it was just the top of the iceberg.

sometimes i feel like..."what would have happend if he had never gotten caught the first time?" i would have most likely continued to stay married to a cheater who was able to get away with it.

i am glad that all his dirt is out in the open...and that i am no longer the same doormat as i was before...and like many of you...if he ever decided to cheat in any way again, he will be divorced...end of story.

in looking back, i remember our pastor who was counseling us at the time told me that it is rarely just one ow. it is about changing the entire cheating behavior that is what is important.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how many anymore. Because WH went to massage parlors (among all the other cheating behavior), but can't remember exactly how many times, I'm kind of stuck with "more than 10, less than 20". He was also blackout-drunk a few times when he was out partying without me, so there's a chance we kind of lost one in the mix that he doesn't even remember. And once, he "woke up" drunk, getting dressed at a stranger's house, but can't remember having sex with her. He just assumes he must have. So, an exact number isn't really in the cards for me.

How do I deal with it? I think of it as a period of time he was cheating, a chapter in my long marriage that is in my past and concentrate on what we have now.

Yup, basically that. I found out about all of them around the same time. WH knows very well that if there's one more tiny eensy slip at this point, I'll walk, no questions asked. We're only going through R one time - I couldn't take this more than once.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 1:10 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 161 | Registered: Sep 2013
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

maybe "more than one" is the ugly truth that no one really likes to talk about. i mean, i understand why...it is so embarrassing, and painful...and it helps to think that it was only just one.

i am so thankful again that i have SI...i dont feel so alone in this process. i can be open and honest...and not feel embarrassed about what my husband did.

i remember a few weeks ago feeling horrible when i read that one of the posters said something like she "was the minority here....her h only had one a....if your h had more than one...then move on already!" that stung.

it stung because the truth is that i dont think with a cheater you ever really, really know what they were doing out there...and it also stung, because i too used to think like that about women who posted about multiples....and secretely was "thankful" that mine was "not that bad." well, he was...actually terrible. so i am humbled.

[This message edited by sri624 at 11:00 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
GraceisGood
♀ Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

maybe "more than one" is the ugly truth that no one really likes to talk about. i mean, i understand why...it is so embarrassing, and painful...and it helps to think that it was only just one.

I am in the more than one camp as well, it was all ONS type things, no EA (not that it really matters I suppose, just is what it is).

What I have concluded though, regarding how "embarassing" it is, is that for me I did not "know" until after all of it, it was not like I knew of of them while they occured and they just kept stacking up, I found out all of them at once, so in that regard, even though there was more than one (many more in our case, 17 years of cheating, I found out in year 19) it was like "one" because of finding out at once. Now that I know if there were "one" more that would be it. The "knowing" and the when of "knowing" does make a difference (at least to me and my way of thinking).

Prior to d-day I have no responsibility in how many ow there were, but now that I know, I do have responsibility and choices that I did not have prior. That (IMO) is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, of course those on the outside will see it differently, and they may try to make you feel embarrassed or ashamed, but that is on them imo.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3425 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dearest confessed to 2 ons, yet he refused the polygraph, caught his chatting emails online, and a profound viewer of adult finder (not sure of the correct name).

Dd was in April 2013, summer was difficult. I am doing much better dealing with this shit. Last night, had a dream, still information he is not admitting to.

Honestly, will we ever know. Question is are we willing to accept it and move on. Until I feel completely at peace within myself, I will not let it go. That is an individual choice.


HIM - 55 (looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 55 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (he made that one up)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 8 2013
DD4 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 181 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Maybe 'more than one' is the ugly truth no one really likes to talk about. I mean, I understand why...it is so embarrassing and painful."
"If your husband had more than one...then move on already."

Who IRL could you talk to about this? Someone who has not been thru this can't understand the incredible pain or why you would even try to reconcile. I don't want to be judged. I am thankful for SI and the brave people who share their stories and advise.

"It is about changing the entire cheating behavior that is important."
This is so true. This is what I am seeing...he is "owning it", not blaming the marriage, reading, going to IC.
My emotions have been fluctuating from so much love and being grateful for the relationship we have built and anger, I am so angry about what he did. I've already shared everything I was angry about...how do you get rid of the anger?


Me-BS 51
FWH-50
M 30 yrs
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 576 | Registered: Oct 2011
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you are right...if a person has not been through this personally....it would be very difficult to understand why "we stay." i mean, it sounds terrible saying it outloud..."my h cheated with multiple women." and yeah, i am staying with him.

that is why SI is so important. i do have an ic...who is helpful. in the beginning though...i think she wanted me to move on..and then after seeing his remorse, him going to ic, and aa...and most importantly...me getting stronger and knowing my value...she began to encourage an r if that is what i wanted.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
16forever
♀ Member
Member # 37255
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup there were 10 plus the op and I got the news all at once all while we were married


Me:BS
Him:WS
3 awesome kids

Posts: 174 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: My own nightmare
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I caught WH still in his ea/pa on d day. About 15 months post d day, he admits to repeated phone sex with an ex early in our marriage. Said he never saw it as an A, until he read not just friends and knew I would. I have to say, it all hurts. But knowing about the earlier inappropriate A, actually makes me understand and take comfort in the fact that it was not about me. He made terrible choices, but they aren't about a midlife crisis or a career crisis or having two kids and an overwhelmed wife or about not finding me attractive or whatever. He made those bad choices for a range of reasons that really have nothing to do with me.

It's tough. Sorry you are here and struggling.


D-day: Christmas 2011 when i saw a text from MarriedOW to WH
D-day 2: 3/28/2013: confessed phone sex over 10 years ago (2000 or 2001) with another OW

Married for over 14 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school


Posts: 1419 | Registered: Dec 2011
TarnishedSilver
♀ Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Multipal here

7 in the first 10 years of our relationship, 4 of them before we were married. I had no clue.

One OW thought she would reconnect 25 years later....that is when I found out about a few.....took a year of TT to find out the rest.
Needless to say I made it perfectly clear to the one OW she would never have a reunion wih my fwh. Never heard from her again.

It has been very hard and a lot of work these past 2 years but both fwh and I are making progress.


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
TarnishedSilver
♀ Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Multipal here

7 in the first 10 years of our relationship, 4 of them before we were married. I had no clue.

One OW thought she would reconnect 25 years later....that is when I found out about a few.....took a year of TT to find out the rest.
Needless to say I made it perfectly clear to the one OW she would never have a reunion wih my fwh. Never heard from her again.

It has been very hard and a lot of work these past 2 years but both fwh and I are making progress.


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He confessed to an EA with a friend of mine and a PA with a co-worker.

I'm also pretty sure that he tried to have an EA with at least 2 other co-workers - at the very least he was attracted to them and confided in them. To me that's getting very close to an EA, I'm not sure how far it was reciprocated, but I think it was. He denies that he was attracted to them, but his actions speak differently.

I'll know if he ever hits true remorse (not holding my breath) because he might actually be able to admit he was attracted to them. I've never believed his complete denial.


Sorry for my typos & editing, I have a sticky keyboard

Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse'
OW1 - EA - my friend
COW - EA/PA - 'Fat Bottomed Girl'

Thanking God for showing me how to smile & dance in the rain


Posts: 481 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Multiple here too. :(

I found out about one when an irate OWH phoned me, my H denied for a day and then admitted. We worked through it for 6 weeks when he decided I needed to know all the truth. Holy shit, worst day of my life. There were 4 other PAs, the first two happening in the first year of our marriage (both ONS), the other two were more recent, in the last few years.

None of them were emotional, "just" sexting and encounters. So terrible. He also did "camming" (I had never even heard that word before).

Man, it's so hard to type it all out, isn't it? As one previous poster said, I tend to look at each incident separately because the whole thing is overwhelming.

But... Though there were many, I do feel (again as another poster said) that they ALL happened before I knew anything, so that is completely different than if even one slip up happened now. H is changing dramatically, and I love it. He's the person I always knew he was but could never quite find.

The hurt is massive but the love and new communication trumps it.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 839 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 35
Pages: 1 · 2

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