but they rarely just say..."oh...i feel so bad about having sex with this one woman. i am never going to do it again!" if they dont get caught the first time...and get away with it..they keep at it. not all cases...but that is how the whole cheating game works.
i agree. when i found out that my h cheated...i was in denial..and foolishily believed the yoga girl was it. when i found out about what he was really doing...it was just the top of the iceberg.
sometimes i feel like..."what would have happend if he had never gotten caught the first time?" i would have most likely continued to stay married to a cheater who was able to get away with it.
i am glad that all his dirt is out in the open...and that i am no longer the same doormat as i was before...and like many of you...if he ever decided to cheat in any way again, he will be divorced...end of story.
in looking back, i remember our pastor who was counseling us at the time told me that it is rarely just one ow. it is about changing the entire cheating behavior that is what is important.
How do I deal with it? I think of it as a period of time he was cheating, a chapter in my long marriage that is in my past and concentrate on what we have now.
Yup, basically that. I found out about all of them around the same time. WH knows very well that if there's one more tiny eensy slip at this point, I'll walk, no questions asked. We're only going through R one time - I couldn't take this more than once.
[This message edited by Thessalian at 1:10 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]
7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.
First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014
i am so thankful again that i have SI...i dont feel so alone in this process. i can be open and honest...and not feel embarrassed about what my husband did.
i remember a few weeks ago feeling horrible when i read that one of the posters said something like she "was the minority here....her h only had one a....if your h had more than one...then move on already!" that stung.
it stung because the truth is that i dont think with a cheater you ever really, really know what they were doing out there...and it also stung, because i too used to think like that about women who posted about multiples....and secretely was "thankful" that mine was "not that bad." well, he was...actually terrible. so i am humbled.
[This message edited by sri624 at 11:00 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]
maybe "more than one" is the ugly truth that no one really likes to talk about. i mean, i understand why...it is so embarrassing, and painful...and it helps to think that it was only just one.
I am in the more than one camp as well, it was all ONS type things, no EA (not that it really matters I suppose, just is what it is).
What I have concluded though, regarding how "embarassing" it is, is that for me I did not "know" until after all of it, it was not like I knew of of them while they occured and they just kept stacking up, I found out all of them at once, so in that regard, even though there was more than one (many more in our case, 17 years of cheating, I found out in year 19) it was like "one" because of finding out at once. Now that I know if there were "one" more that would be it. The "knowing" and the when of "knowing" does make a difference (at least to me and my way of thinking).
Prior to d-day I have no responsibility in how many ow there were, but now that I know, I do have responsibility and choices that I did not have prior. That (IMO) is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, of course those on the outside will see it differently, and they may try to make you feel embarrassed or ashamed, but that is on them imo.
Dd was in April 2013, summer was difficult. I am doing much better dealing with this shit. Last night, had a dream, still information he is not admitting to.
Honestly, will we ever know. Question is are we willing to accept it and move on. Until I feel completely at peace within myself, I will not let it go. That is an individual choice.
Who IRL could you talk to about this? Someone who has not been thru this can't understand the incredible pain or why you would even try to reconcile. I don't want to be judged. I am thankful for SI and the brave people who share their stories and advise.
"It is about changing the entire cheating behavior that is important."
This is so true. This is what I am seeing...he is "owning it", not blaming the marriage, reading, going to IC.
My emotions have been fluctuating from so much love and being grateful for the relationship we have built and anger, I am so angry about what he did. I've already shared everything I was angry about...how do you get rid of the anger?
that is why SI is so important. i do have an ic...who is helpful. in the beginning though...i think she wanted me to move on..and then after seeing his remorse, him going to ic, and aa...and most importantly...me getting stronger and knowing my value...she began to encourage an r if that is what i wanted.
It's tough. Sorry you are here and struggling.
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
7 in the first 10 years of our relationship, 4 of them before we were married. I had no clue.
One OW thought she would reconnect 25 years later....that is when I found out about a few.....took a year of TT to find out the rest.
Needless to say I made it perfectly clear to the one OW she would never have a reunion wih my fwh. Never heard from her again.
It has been very hard and a lot of work these past 2 years but both fwh and I are making progress.
Healing myself is now my top priority.
I'm also pretty sure that he tried to have an EA with at least 2 other co-workers - at the very least he was attracted to them and confided in them. To me that's getting very close to an EA, I'm not sure how far it was reciprocated, but I think it was. He denies that he was attracted to them, but his actions speak differently.
I'll know if he ever hits true remorse (not holding my breath) because he might actually be able to admit he was attracted to them. I've never believed his complete denial.
I found out about one when an irate OWH phoned me, my H denied for a day and then admitted. We worked through it for 6 weeks when he decided I needed to know all the truth. Holy shit, worst day of my life. There were 4 other PAs, the first two happening in the first year of our marriage (both ONS), the other two were more recent, in the last few years.
None of them were emotional, "just" sexting and encounters. So terrible. He also did "camming" (I had never even heard that word before).
Man, it's so hard to type it all out, isn't it? As one previous poster said, I tend to look at each incident separately because the whole thing is overwhelming.
But... Though there were many, I do feel (again as another poster said) that they ALL happened before I knew anything, so that is completely different than if even one slip up happened now. H is changing dramatically, and I love it. He's the person I always knew he was but could never quite find.
The hurt is massive but the love and new communication trumps it.