I would also like to say Thank You for your service, which allows me to live my life the way I choose.
I see so many red flags in your post that I'm questioning my visual acuity. She tells you nothing happened, and you don't have proof, so you belieive her. Did you make her go get tested for STD's? Did you ask her to do this? She had way too much free time to not have met up with some of these guys, and if she met up with them it wasnt for coffee, sorry. I think you are just getting the tip of the proverbial ice berg here.
Yes you have every right to tell her to stop communicating with an old boyfriend. She is addicted to the attention these sites and the old boyfriend give her, and until you stop that she is cheating. Unless of course you are ok with it, and she is open about it, which I doubt you are.
She does not seem sorry at all, she had done nothing to change herself or work on the reasons for why she was doing it, what is sorry for is getting caught and she stopped it, but I'd bet my lunch that she if finding some other way to "get her fix". Have you followed her to school? Have you checked up on her?
I know you want to believe all is good, and she is trying but frankly I am not seeing it. Did she get a compensation package from her work of just flat out fired? If she did there should be paper work that will account for the reason of letting her go. The company has to document it, to determine unemployment eligibility.
It sucks to be in this position, and I agree that something isn't right, I would urge you to go into detective mode, and get ready to play some real hardball, because I think this is going to get a lot worse before it gets better.
I am sorry but you will find a wealth of support and knowledge here. Keep asking questions, keep posting. Stay strong.
I see a lot of red flags in her behaviour. The fact that she's keeping odd hours, still in contact with a previous OM, secretly checking facebook, etc all add up to a world of trouble. With her getting fired she may not have been given a reason (many companies don't other than 'cost-cutting') but it does sound fishy in light of everything else.
Now, please understand that your WW's choices are all on her. She made the choice to persue the affairs, and apparently has a history of doing so. For some reason, something is missing within her and she is seeking that external validation. She needs to do some deep digging to find out why she thought this type of betrayal is acceptable. And she needs to take action to commit to the marriage and ensure this doesn't happen again.
You can't control her. But you can control your own choices and you can stand up for yourself. You have rights. Respect them and respect yourself. You need to think about what you will not tolerate in your marriage and whether you are willing to walk away if she refuses to abide those boundaries. You are not a victim - you are an empowered individual.
I would let her know that your preference is to work on the marriage, but that you need to see a change in longterm behaviour is you are to stay in it. Words are cheap - your WW's actions will show her for who she truly is. I would make it clear that you refuse to live with infidelity in your life and that you need 100% verifiable honesty and transparency in your marriage to rebuild the trust. This means that she gives you access to the affair tools (email, phone, passwords, etc) and that she cuts off and blocks all contact with past, current, and potential OM. That is very much a non-negotiable - don't even entertain thoughts of reconciling while she is in affair mode. Let her know that it's her choice as to how she follows up, but that one way or another you will move forward with your life.
Now, at the same time you can take steps forward in your life with your healing. Read in the Healing Library. Look at the 180 as a way to detach and rebuild self esteem. Consult a doctor/counselor to have some professional help. Monitor your diet and exercise. Get involved in your life independent of her. Consult a lawyer to find out what legal rights and options are available to you to protect yourself. Consider separating finances should she continue her behaviour.
By laying out the boundaries clearly and working on yourself you hold one hand out to her inviting her back to the marriage and the other ready to assert your boundaries. Don't accept anything less than total effort and commitment from her if you want to reconcile. And if she is not willing to do this, you have to decide what is truly important to you.
This is going to be a long and painful journey. Some days are going to be better than others, and this will test what you are capable of. But if you can stay true to yourself and respect your rights you will get through this and move to a brighter future. Keep posting and keep reading. Keep faith in yourself, keep smart, and keep strong. You will get through this.
You're gonna be okay.
Thank you for your service brother. Sorry to meet you here, glad you made it.
I am sorry but it all sounds like a crock of shit to me. (I don't use nice words for cheaters )
As a business owner I can tell you that if I fired someone they would damn know why! Also I would try to get unemployment denied, as it costs me $. So chances are good that she DOES know the reason. Just doesn't want you to know. Also if she is on AFF she is probably not looking for "chats". She may feel justified, she may feel embarassed, she may feel scared. Who knows? One thing we, here at SI, DO know is she needs to come clean now. No lies, no TT (trickle truth). Those 2 things have killed more marriages that you can shake a stick at.
I don't give advice very often, as others are way better than I, but I am going to advise you to go into stealth mode. Take your time gathering info, if you need more (some people don't need a lot, others need tons).
Read the Healing Libray (upper left corner).
And post here.
You will get wonderful support here, and we can help guide you thru this shitstorm.
I need to agree with ... Well... Everyone, but more specifically Still2.
Stealth mode. She appears to be in some SEVERE denial- there are huge red flags in her behavior right now and it is my fear that you are in shock and not realizing that you are allowing her to blow smoke up your... Nether regions, shall we say?
As a BS, we often do this because we are so used to loving them and trusting them that we ALLOW them to deceive us without realizing it.
Having said that... It also appears she is in survival mode- telling you anything, no matter how ridiculous, and seeing if you believe it. Then- blowing up on you or making you feel stupid for even questioning her.
Read about the 180.
Go quiet with any accusations for a bit.
Just gather some info- it does not sound like she is in any place to come clean or accept boundaries. Get your ducks in a row and some solid information before dealing directly with her about it. It sounds as if she has turned snowing you (sorry to say ) into an art form. Without more solid proof, I fear that you will easily accept her stories and lies... Because admitting the truth may hurt too much.
I am so very very sorry that you are feeling this awful pain. When I say that the people here know EXACTLY what your pain is- I mean it.
The best thing for you right now is to take care of you. No big decisions right now. Eat, sleep, exercise, read a lot from the Healing Library and just wait a bit to see what else comes to light.
I wish you nothing but strength and peace right now.
Her actions are telling you quite a bit.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
You get to set the terms and rules of R if that is the road you choose, and if she balks, argues, gets angry, disagrees then she doesn't get what she has done to you, or doesn't care the pain she is/has caused you.
This is insane, seriously. She is a married woman and on line chatting with other people in a sexual manner, and you are worried about her getting mad at you????
You allowing her to abuse and manipulate you.
Please go back and reread Ser's post, also read the tactical primer thread, I will bump shortly for you. If you want to make it through this as a sane person then you need to start educating yourself, and finding a way to get strong and stay strong.