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User Topic: It all on me
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apparently if we divorce, it's all my fault. He told me in a conversation last night that the affair is his fault, but a divorce is all on me yes he made a 'mistake' but I have to give him a chance to fix it. I'm just a cold heartless unforgiving bitch that has passed judgement on poor him. What the fuck. I will be the one responsible for ruining our kids lives also. Not his affair. Not his choices. Not him fucking another woman. Not him sending her half naked pictures. Not him telling her they had 'a connection'. Not him, me. It will be all on me for divorcing him. Why the fuck would he try to guilt me into staying?? Why would he want to be married to someone that stayed because of guilt. I'm likely already trapped due to finances, I'm just so fucking pissed at his self righteous, self deserving attitude. Screw him


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why the fuck would he try to guilt me into staying??

Because he wants you to stay and he doesn't know any other way to prevent you from leaving. If you think about it, this is actually more sad than anything.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5652 | Registered: Aug 2007
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He can say whatever he wants.

You know the truth.

Walk towards the direction you see yourself happy, content and thriving.

You will be ok. This is all on him.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you.

How can anyone R with an unremorseful, self-righteous, over-entitled so and so like your H?

Sorry you're stuck. I hope you can somehow get him to face himself.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:48 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10085 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Divorce is a funeral, not a murder.

((((lostinthismess))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25359 | Registered: Aug 2011
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisoon, he is remorseful. It's more about me deciding the affair is a deal breaker. Then I'm horrible for not trying. I don't get it. He knew cheating would make me leave. In fact, that's the reason the affair continued apparently. He was trying to make her go away 'quietly' because if I found out I would leave. And here we are, in reality, and I want to leave. And he can't believe it. I don't understand why he's shocked


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think he's remorseful if he went into the A knowing you would leave if you found out and now he's blaming you for the consequences. He should be owning not just his actions, but the consequences.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
stunnedin12
♀ Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first thing that popped into my head is that divorce is final yet it isn't....

If you divorce and if he really and truly has decided to be a stand-up, amazing man, husband, and father - then he'll fight to change your opinion of him whether you divorce him or not. He would go to the ends of the earth (even AFTER a divorce) to show you respect, love, etc so that you'd believe and trust him and someday love him.

Until then - HE had the affair - Like I told my wh -

Everything has a consequence - HE chose the action, *I* get to choose the consequence. He may not like the consequence, but I don't give a rat's ass.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 458 | Registered: Jan 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please let me finish before gasping

Yes, the divorce IS you. Just as the affair was his doing, the divorce will be your doing...

I'm just a cold heartless unforgiving bitch that has passed judgement on poor him. What the fuck. I will be the one responsible for ruining our kids lives also.

This is where he's wrong. These are NOT the things you are doing by divorcing. You are standing up for morals and decency, for truth and for being treated respectfully. You are teaching your children very valuable lessons about what to accept (via Mom's actions) and what NOT to do (via Dad's actions). You are doing what is fair and expected, and you are basing the rest of your life on honesty and integrity. THAT is what you are doing.

He's an ass for trying to guilt you, and you 'have' to give him a chance to fix it? Really? Did he give you a chance to ask him not to cheat?

The entitlement just never ends with some people. So sad.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painful past, I do get that. I was kind of just spewing as I was writing, I need to get it out! It's not like I just woke up and decided I wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. I woke up and found out my husband had a girlfriend. Cause and effect as I see it. Entitlement is the word I was looking for. Like he's entitled to ME.

[This message edited by Lostinthismess at 1:38 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is such wayward thinking and shows that no, he isn't truly remorseful. If he were truly remorseful he would get it, and he wouldn't do the classic blameshifting thing. It is a huge and horrible responsibility to initiate a divorce, and it is just... cowardly... to put this on you.

It just reminds me of spineless dudes who can't break up with girls, but just act like assholes until the girl breaks up with them. Then SHE'S the baddie. Just.Grow.Up.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Aug 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think he can be remorseful. A remorseful WS accepts the consequences, no matter what they are. A remorseful WS doesn't blame the BS for choosing to split after being betrayed.

Note: accepting the consequences is only one of many characteristics of remorse. Accepting the consequences is necessary to show remorse, but accepting the consequences on its own isn't enough to show remorse.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10085 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Um...no. The expected consequence of fucking another woman while married is divorce.

He was fully conscious during his affair,right? Is he now?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7419 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm, well I guess I never saw it like that. I assumed it was fear driven.
Eta- sorry, cross posted. This was in response to Sisoon.

[This message edited by Lostinthismess at 1:44 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly don't think he does take full blame now that I think about it more. He was drunk the first night. He figured out a lot of why's on how he got there, but still falls back on the you know if I wasn't drunk it would have never happened. The following weeks of sexting, sex, phone calls are supposedly all because she got angry when he said it couldn't happen again and he was trying oy 'manage' her and get her to agree to end it. So he justifies it, saying he made the wrong decision, but it was with the end goal of making her go away.


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have this hanging in my office..Sorry I don't know who I copied it from....

How in the world can you not "imagine life without her"? Your very actions almost guaranteed it. It's not one of those unimagined side effects. Cheating ends relationships. It's designed to end relationships. It's entire function, in part, is ending relationships either by proxy, substitution, or in reality. ~Author unknown

My husband has to look at this everytime he comes into my office. I would suggest you hand your WH a copy. Maybe then he might actually "get it", because right now he isn't.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you trustgone. I guess neither one of us are as far along as I thought.


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostinthismess

He is blaming everyone and everything for his actions. He did this not you..
Noone put a gun to his head and said hey man screw her again! Sorry don't buy his shit.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 18

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