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User Topic: Did anyone else have no idea of the cheating??
♀ Member
Member # 39564
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Count me in to the blind side...sort of. He had cancer and was going through cancer treatments for gods sake!! Who in their right mind would ever, ever think that their spouse would cheat on them then??? We had deep conversations about life and how grateful we were that he was going to live! So yes, I was blind sided in that regard. Thought we had resolved all those nasty little trust issues.

And yes, everyone thought my husband was the shy quiet sweet guy. Does a shy quiet sweet guy send virtual strangers photos of his crotch?? Oh how sexy.

Me (BS) 40 Him (WH, SA, covert NPD) 41
Married 8 years, 2 young kids
DD1-Right after engagement 2004
DD2-Email from OW 2008
DD3-2012-Him diagnosed with cancer, I thought we grew closer, he kept cheating.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 39564
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and I forgot to say he was mostly with me! We didn't do much apart so that was a shocker too, how did he fit it in??

During work is the answer, and coming home 'just' a little bit late every night.

Me (BS) 40 Him (WH, SA, covert NPD) 41
Married 8 years, 2 young kids
DD1-Right after engagement 2004
DD2-Email from OW 2008
DD3-2012-Him diagnosed with cancer, I thought we grew closer, he kept cheating.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup! Me too. Completely.blindsided. 100% I could have written your post word for word.

He was the good guy. The sweet guy. It was a complete shock to everyone. He was cheating on me with a whore-bag teacher where my kids went to school. And she was not the only one. He had more than one affair going on. I found out shortly after he filed for divorce that he'd been a cheating asshole for our entire relationship. All 21 years of it. I.had.NO.idea.

But this is not ever the worst of it. The way he has treated me since he walked out on my on DDay has been horrendous. He's been abolutely cruel, heartless, and downright mean. He walked out on July 19, 2010 and hasn't spoken to me since. Completely shut me out and abandoned me in every way you could be abandoned. Oh, and did I mention we had a 3 and 6 year old at the time? (now 6 and 9) So there is no getting rid of this guy any time soon. How do you dishonor the mother of your children like that?

Looking back to the year before he left and especially the months before there were HUGE red flags. Even before that there were many, more subtle red flags. But I didn't know them to be red flags because I was so trusting. I believed he would never hurt me and I brushed everything off with an explanation because he could never do that. I should have listened to my gut because I often had bad gut feelings that I didn't understand at the time. I was naive and trusting and vulnerable with him. And now I'm not that person anymore. Although I guess in some ways that might be a good thing, I sure do miss that innocent girl sometimes. :(

[This message edited by ruinedandbroken at 10:05 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Raising hand. I had no clue and we were the last couple anyone thought this could or would happen too. I remember telling him that I had thought I would let him down before he ever let me down. Guess I had it all figured wrong.

Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1781 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
♀ Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, totally blindsided. Looking back now, there were the red flags, but I ignored them. Well, after all, I trusted him.

The biggest red flag was 6 mos. prior to me finding out, when his sister told me XWH had a brief A with their brothers wife 2 years before XWH met me. I, again, ignored it, thought they "handled" it. I guess not.


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same here. Blindsided. And I also had plenty of red flags that I rationalized away. I didn't believe any rumor I ever heard until he confessed on his own that they were ALL true. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. And more.

My story is similar to Gemini's. It's bad enough if your husband had a LTA or another woman. But mine had/has a penchant for teenage girls. The more time that goes by, the more I keep learning about that. Even yesterday I found an old message on his Facebook from 2011 where he was hitting on a young girl and inviting her to stop by his workplace so he could 'tell her something.' I don't know if she ever did, but...

Everyone admired my husband and thought he was a wonderful man. Certainly an easier person to know and like than me...I am less good at hiding my feelings and tend to be less skilled socially. But at least I'm not a lying, cheating pervert!

He starts moving out today. While it hurts, I confess that I feel relief knowing that he will soon be gone.

BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over at least a 6-year period, at least twenty
1 OC 5 yrs old and another on the way (by different ONS)

Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No clue either. It wasn't even in my realm of possibility

Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed

Posts: 1757 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
♀ Member
Member # 31648
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was completely blindsided.

There were many nights after D-Day that I woke up in panic, thinking that I'd just had a nightmare about my husband asking for a divorce. Then I would remember that the unthinkable had really happened. I only found out about the infidelity in after he told me ILYBINILWU on that terrible D-day.

My husband had been showing signs of stress for a couple of months, but he was open--I believed--about the reasons. He was under pressure at work (layoffs, deadlines), we had just pulled up stakes and moved our family internationally twice in a two-year period, he was experiencing worsening health problems, and he was showing signs of physical aging in his late 40s. I tried in every way I could to support him and help him relieve the stress.

Never in a million years did I think that he could have been unfaithful. I admired and respected him, and I truly believed that he would never commit adultery. I thought I knew him well after more than 24 years together. I thought he had integrity. I thought that if he were ever unhappy with me or with or marriage, he would say something. He never said a word until the day he dropped the bomb.

I never thought that he would risk damaging our children by tearing our family apart unilaterally. The children were both still in grade school then. Today, 4 years later, both are emotionally troubled and cannot understand why their family was destroyed.

As soon as my husband said he was leaving, he turned into a cold, uncaring stranger. His transformation was extremely upsetting because we had always been close and loving. There was no conflict or fighting leading up to his change. I still don't understand what happened, really, except to learn that he was much more damaged by his traumatic childhood than I ever realized.

BS: me
XWH: Dead to me, after spending half our lives together
2 teenagers
"I get it now; I didn't get it then. That life is about losing and about doing it as gracefully as possible... and enjoying everything in between."-Mia Farrow

Posts: 396 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was blindsided, but my friends and family almost all knew.

It stood out for me that the only one who told me was another B.S.

Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2306 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ Member
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was completely blindsided.

I thought he was going through a stressful period because of work. Plus, we moved quite often and with 4 kids 7 and under things were usually quite hectic. I was doing my best to shield him from any demands at home to try and alleviate his "stress." I also found out after the ILYBNILWY speech that there was another woman. He denied it then and still denies it.

I remember thinking how great he was at dealing with his foo issues compared to his siblings. He really had me fooled.

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: NW
♀ New Member
Member # 41180
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had no idea either. I am still in the same place as you- wanting to wake up in the morning and say, "Wow, you would not believe the nightmare I had!" My hubby is going through a mid-life crisis and I know that now. But I had no idea how far it had gone or that he was blaming all his negative feelings on me until just a few short days ago. Sometimes I read these posts and get hopeful that we can work it out. Other times I log on and read and think, "Oh my goodness, I am screwed." I have been a SAHM for 12 yrs raising our kids, homeschooling, and keeping our home while he was working to support us. Now I will need to work 2-3 jobs just to put a roof over our heads and food on the table. I'm still praying he will have a breakthrough but at this point he's not even remorseful or sorry that it happened. Yes, we will survive and do what we need to do... but this is the worst time of my life by far and sometimes it's just almost too overwhelming to deal with.
I guess I just want to say, I'm here with you, I understand, and somehow we'll all make it through to the other side~ even though we don't know how!

Me 48
WH 45
Together 28 years
Married for 24
DS(1) 24
DD(2) 13
DD(3) 9
Dday 10/19/13
announced his EA and told me he's not sure he ever loved me
12/22/13 finally admitted to the "whole" truth
Now in R and working to repair

Posts: 17 | Registered: Oct 2013
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For many years, I had no idea. In retrospect (and a few years out), I can see red flags. They were not apparent then.

In my case, my stbx IS a fraud, with everyone. It takes most people about 3 years (in a professional setting, or one in which there is not daily intimate contact) to figure him out.

It took me longer.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8888 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post/reply. I've started my profile several times but it's so painful I keep stopping. I feel like an idiot bc I didn't know. I was also shocked and blindsided. OW was a friend of mine, her kids went to school & played sports with ours. One night our 17 year-old daughter sent her dad and me a text about her plans for night. I replied "Ok thanks for checking in." Husband replied with very sexual text. He was out on the deck sexting OW, and was so drunk he sent it to our child and me. He finally admitted this affair has been 4.5 years. He had 2 other women as well, for past year.
We've been married 23 years, with 4 kids. I knew he was selfish and went out a lot, leaving me alone to take care of kids and drive them to all their practices. But I really never thought he'd do something like this. We were also a "good family" and in spite of his faults I loved my husband and would have stayed with him forever. He says he loves me too and the affairs never meant anything. He said he never felt guilty bc "All men do this, it was separate from you and our family, it wasn't hurting you bc you didn't know" etc. He doesn't want the D but I have filed. I can't stay with someone like this. It's so painful and at times I am filled with absolute rage. I will try to do the profile soon. Sleepless - I was struck by your post and had to respond. A friend told me about this site, and reading the posts has helped me a lot. Hang in there.

Posts: 100 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
♀ Member
Member # 39409
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I was blindsided, also. WH is an outgoing guy, most people like him. He has been a little league coach for basketball, football, baseball, and soccer (in other words, everything our children wanted to play, we were also involved in, usually due to lack of parent volunteers). But he loved it, and he's good at it. Parents like him, kids like him and listen to him. One parent just liked him too much and that's when they started.

I was trusting, and blind, and stupid. If love is blind, I don't want to be blind ever again.

Me: BS-42
Hubby: FWS-42
OW: former friend of mine
EA from ? to 3-15-12
3 DD, 1 DS
Time heals all wounds-I do not agree.

Posts: 95 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 32756
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{meekly raises hand}

I knew we were going through tough times... but clearly, I didn't realize the extent of his unhappiness. Our kids mean the world to him ... I can't understand why he would risk only seeing them minimally?

I will negotiate hard - either for a post nup or D (see post on R forum). I want to ask... was it really worth it???

I've come to the realization that he is broken. I don't know if he can be glued back together to something salvagable or not.

Posts: 137 | Registered: Jul 2011
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Completely blindsided. I knew she was out late on Friday nights dancing, but I believed her when she told me it was with friends from the dance studio she and our girls attended. Those people were, I thought, friends of our family. Wrong.

I trusted my wife completely. In hindsight, I trusted the wrong person. Not only did she cheat on me for almost a year, but did so like it was nothing, just a little fun on the side. A lark. She devastated me to my core.

And everyone who knew her thought she was wonderful. Including me, sadly.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 1:20 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children

Posts: 1462 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was completely blindsided after 20 years of marriage & 3 children. It was their first week back @ school & WH asked me if he could drive them to school so I could sleep in a bit. I thought it was great until he came back home after he dropped off our kids. I was barely awake & he says I have to tell you something. His revelation was that he had cheated twice with nameless sex workers:( I had NO idea that he had cheated, would have bet my house that he was faithful. We are in counseling & trying to R, but it is a rough ride! Jamie

BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
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