Count me in to the blind side...sort of. He had cancer and was going through cancer treatments for gods sake!! Who in their right mind would ever, ever think that their spouse would cheat on them then??? We had deep conversations about life and how grateful we were that he was going to live! So yes, I was blind sided in that regard. Thought we had resolved all those nasty little trust issues.
And yes, everyone thought my husband was the shy quiet sweet guy. Does a shy quiet sweet guy send virtual strangers photos of his crotch?? Oh how sexy.
During work is the answer, and coming home 'just' a little bit late every night.
He was the good guy. The sweet guy. It was a complete shock to everyone. He was cheating on me with a whore-bag teacher where my kids went to school. And she was not the only one. He had more than one affair going on. I found out shortly after he filed for divorce that he'd been a cheating asshole for our entire relationship. All 21 years of it. I.had.NO.idea.
But this is not ever the worst of it. The way he has treated me since he walked out on my on DDay has been horrendous. He's been abolutely cruel, heartless, and downright mean. He walked out on July 19, 2010 and hasn't spoken to me since. Completely shut me out and abandoned me in every way you could be abandoned. Oh, and did I mention we had a 3 and 6 year old at the time? (now 6 and 9) So there is no getting rid of this guy any time soon. How do you dishonor the mother of your children like that?
Looking back to the year before he left and especially the months before there were HUGE red flags. Even before that there were many, more subtle red flags. But I didn't know them to be red flags because I was so trusting. I believed he would never hurt me and I brushed everything off with an explanation because he could never do that. I should have listened to my gut because I often had bad gut feelings that I didn't understand at the time. I was naive and trusting and vulnerable with him. And now I'm not that person anymore. Although I guess in some ways that might be a good thing, I sure do miss that innocent girl sometimes. :(
[This message edited by ruinedandbroken at 10:05 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]
The biggest red flag was 6 mos. prior to me finding out, when his sister told me XWH had a brief A with their brothers wife 2 years before XWH met me. I, again, ignored it, thought they "handled" it. I guess not.
My story is similar to Gemini's. It's bad enough if your husband had a LTA or another woman. But mine had/has a penchant for teenage girls. The more time that goes by, the more I keep learning about that. Even yesterday I found an old message on his Facebook from 2011 where he was hitting on a young girl and inviting her to stop by his workplace so he could 'tell her something.' I don't know if she ever did, but...
Everyone admired my husband and thought he was a wonderful man. Certainly an easier person to know and like than me...I am less good at hiding my feelings and tend to be less skilled socially. But at least I'm not a lying, cheating pervert!
He starts moving out today. While it hurts, I confess that I feel relief knowing that he will soon be gone.
The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed
There were many nights after D-Day that I woke up in panic, thinking that I'd just had a nightmare about my husband asking for a divorce. Then I would remember that the unthinkable had really happened. I only found out about the infidelity in after he told me ILYBINILWU on that terrible D-day.
My husband had been showing signs of stress for a couple of months, but he was open--I believed--about the reasons. He was under pressure at work (layoffs, deadlines), we had just pulled up stakes and moved our family internationally twice in a two-year period, he was experiencing worsening health problems, and he was showing signs of physical aging in his late 40s. I tried in every way I could to support him and help him relieve the stress.
Never in a million years did I think that he could have been unfaithful. I admired and respected him, and I truly believed that he would never commit adultery. I thought I knew him well after more than 24 years together. I thought he had integrity. I thought that if he were ever unhappy with me or with or marriage, he would say something. He never said a word until the day he dropped the bomb.
I never thought that he would risk damaging our children by tearing our family apart unilaterally. The children were both still in grade school then. Today, 4 years later, both are emotionally troubled and cannot understand why their family was destroyed.
As soon as my husband said he was leaving, he turned into a cold, uncaring stranger. His transformation was extremely upsetting because we had always been close and loving. There was no conflict or fighting leading up to his change. I still don't understand what happened, really, except to learn that he was much more damaged by his traumatic childhood than I ever realized.
It stood out for me that the only one who told me was another B.S.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
I thought he was going through a stressful period because of work. Plus, we moved quite often and with 4 kids 7 and under things were usually quite hectic. I was doing my best to shield him from any demands at home to try and alleviate his "stress." I also found out after the ILYBNILWY speech that there was another woman. He denied it then and still denies it.
I remember thinking how great he was at dealing with his foo issues compared to his siblings. He really had me fooled.
In my case, my stbx IS a fraud, with everyone. It takes most people about 3 years (in a professional setting, or one in which there is not daily intimate contact) to figure him out.
It took me longer.
I was trusting, and blind, and stupid. If love is blind, I don't want to be blind ever again.
I knew we were going through tough times... but clearly, I didn't realize the extent of his unhappiness. Our kids mean the world to him ... I can't understand why he would risk only seeing them minimally?
I will negotiate hard - either for a post nup or D (see post on R forum). I want to ask... was it really worth it???
I've come to the realization that he is broken. I don't know if he can be glued back together to something salvagable or not.
I trusted my wife completely. In hindsight, I trusted the wrong person. Not only did she cheat on me for almost a year, but did so like it was nothing, just a little fun on the side. A lark. She devastated me to my core.
And everyone who knew her thought she was wonderful. Including me, sadly.
[This message edited by Sal1995 at 1:20 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]