So i found out 2 days ago it was my turn to be the BS. Im a former WS from 4.5 years ago. I know there is a madhatter thread, which technically i am. but right now i dont really want to relate to other madhatters, i just need to talk. (on a side note i apologize because i realize just how incoherent this gets at times, also it gets kinda ranty, and angry towards the end.)
might as well start from the beginning. 4.5 years ago was d day for my BS. we were not married then, but are now, about 3 years 5 months now. I had PAs with a few different women while we were dating. After D day i TTed for a LONG time. I was pretty cruel to my BS. About the only thing i did right in the process was when NC was finally established i kept my end of the deal and NC.
We still got married. And i have a step daughter nine years old. She is my daughter as far as im concerned. Ive known her since she was 4 years old. My step daughters father is out of the picture. And we are currently trying to get him to sign over his rights so i can adopt her which he says he is very willing to do, but he is trying to avoid paying the 15000 in back child support he owes so he keeps dodging letters and phone calls.
Things have always been rocky though. From the wedding on. Along with dealing with my infidelity from before.
So 2 days ago, i was watching TV while my wife was playing on facebook. I knew she had alot of guy friends from her days in the military, and she had recently reconnected with alot of them. I was happy for her because she has been through alot and doesnt really have much of a support system. Her family basically told her to suck it up, my family is too instrusive, and most of her friends are all over the country. I looked over again saw that she wrote "Waiting until we can talk in like 2 more hours". i realized that in 2 hours was when i was gonna be going to bed. That got me curious as to why she needed to wait until i was asleep to talk to him. I snooped watching this unfold over the next 20 minutes. He joked that he had gotten plenty of sleep so they could stay up late talking again, she said she was jealous because she likes sleeping, he then said when they get to be together finally, he would help with that. They started joking about sex. She told him to make sure he had a clear head when he made decisions. She asked me if i wanted to go smoke with her, i did. We went outside, and i confronted her, asking who he was. She told me he is just a friend. I asked why are they talking about "being together" she said we were just joking around. I said you dont tell someone that they need to have a clear head before making decisions when you are talking about being together to just a friend. She got mad at me and stormed off. After a bit i went back inside and asked to see the messages on facebook. She deleted them. Told me nothing was wrong with it. They were just friends. I thought about the previous night. we had gone out with another couple the night before on a double date. When we came home we were going to watch a movie together. But she went to the bedroom and started talking on the phone. I remember she told me it was one of her girlfriends. I was like ok this is going to be a while so i went and started watching some TV. I went back up to the bedroom after a while and heard a guys voice on the other end of the phone, but didnt think anything of it. So i put it together in light of this new info, and asked her. she said she talked to her girlfriend first then to him. I went and looked it up. Turns out all these long phone calls shes been having with her best girl friend from high school, and her other best friend from the military were all to the same exact number. 40 hours worth of phone calls. in less then a month. 200 texts in only the last 6 days. 600 in the 2 weeks prior to that. Finally she admmitted to me that there may have been been some "slightly" innapropriate things being said, but it was never a choice between me and her. She then said we cant talk about this anymore i need to go im too stressed out. She got dressed up and said she was going to "go out" which i know was key for im going to the casino. I tried hysterically bonding with her. It felt really good to be so close to her, then i felt so much shame after. Afterwords, she says i have to go now. She goes to the car and leaves me. I call her after 20 minutes and tell her that i need her to come home so she can be here for my step daughter because i need to leave. She says she will turn right around and come home. 20 minutes more pass. I go and check the bank account realize that she is at the casino and well into spending every last cent we have again. i cant take it anymore i tell her im reporting the bank card lost, and i do. I look over the phone records and realize she called him immediately after she left, then right after my call again. she called him several times more through the night. she finally is home drunk off her ass and yells at me because its my fault. She calms down and says we need to go to marriage counseling for everything for how bad our relationship is that she would find someone. and that this is not even really a problem. I confront her why she called him again when she told me before she left she would NC. she said i was telling him not to call me again. i said that took 5 phone calls and 2 hours worth of talking to say. She says she will not have No contact until counseling. this is at 4 in the morning. I stay home from work yesterday because i cant function. She tells me its all my fault more, and shes too stressed to talk about it. She refuses to talk to me about it until counseling, which she says shes going to setup, but then keeps turning around on me and saying well i know you dont like counseling so i was gonna let you pick the therapist out.
I ask her again for no contact in the morning. She says no. she shouldnt have to. I say you really are going to tell me that you say im the love of your life, there is no choice between me and him, but you will not stop contact with him? she says ok ill do no contact. Im then a sniveling groveling idiot all day with her. i love you like a million times, massage her sore knees and back for at least 6 hours. apologizing to her about all the problems ive caused her. meanwhile she is texting him, any time i got up to do something.
she is up until 3 in the morning drinking. finally after she had to literally crawl to the couch because the room is spinning so bad, i go to bed but just lie there for at least another hour.
She tells me today the phone call right after i left for work today to him was to tell him that they can no longer talk innaporpriately and that she meant to tell me about it. I tell her no contact is no contact. none. She says well i dont want to lose a friend. I said well you made that decision when you started acting innapropriately with him. I still dont know the depths of it. All i know is she deleted all the facebook messages, im sure she deleted the 800 texts exchanged, i havent looked. That they were "slightly" innapropriate. There is no denying it was an EA though. She knows it i can tell. she apologized to me today finally.
I know i really deserve this. after the hell i put her through when i cheated on her. she has told me what i did to her was way worse then what she has done to me. In some ways i guess i agree with her. Im sure there are alot of conflicting feelings about all this from the crowd here. Some probably are cheering even. I hate myself for feeling bad for my wife because i know what she is going through. Then i hate myself for hating myself because i know what she is going through. All i can think about is trying to comfort her. because of all of our other problems. In someways this is the best thing that has ever happened to us though, at least it seems that way to me right now. I never really got over my guilt from my cheating. That burden seems lighter now and in someways heavier. Im trying to justify what she did for myself. I know that i hurt her with the PAs while we were dating, but then i dont think its right to belittle my pain over an EA when we are actually married. Part of me thinkgs its worse because we were married, but thats just justifying. I need to stop im exausted. I really just needed to say it all. to someone.
[This message edited by comesaround at 1:53 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]
