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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When did you know it was time to file?
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH have been separated for over month now. We are in IC/MC, but my WH continues to be defensive, angry, and unpredictable. I am growing tired. I do not love him any less for what he has done, but there is no trust. Part of me feels that I am being pushed to file...given not only the affair, 3 ddadys due to trickle truth, and a WH that continues to be less than 100% supportive and instead is frustrated with the situation and easily angered by me and my questions about the affair. Were you still in love with your spouse when you filed? How did you know it was time? Was it a decision your reached gradually?


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 130 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((statistic)))) No advice, as I was done on dday. Just wanted to send you strength and comfort.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22710 | Registered: Aug 2011
marlie2014
♀ Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't actually file for a few months (WS is moving out on Friday), but I know that it is time.

I know this because he is not taking steps to make the major, sweeping changes he must make if we would stay together.

I am still in love with him, and he says he is still in love with me. All the same, we both know we can't stay together unless he gets some real help or he'll just cheat again, as he has already done so at least twenty times (and that's not an exaggeration, sadly) and kept it hidden from me until recently.

As the weeks have passed and he's made excuses about why he's not going to a CSAT or IC, I began to slowly, agonizingly lose hope that we would be able to R. I had a few panic attacks. I thought, "How is it possible that two best friends who still love each other and were happy together can still be getting divorced?"

The answer is, if he cannot commit to me 100% and to this marriage by getting the help he needs, then we would be setting ourselves up for failure by staying together knowing that more DDays would be inevitable.


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over a 5-year period, at least twenty
1 OC and another on the way
Filed for divorce!

Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2013
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((statistic)))
Yes, I was in love with him the day I filed for legal separation. I will most likely still be in love with him when I change it to reflect D.
I was done when he no longer put me first. I deserve better, and I've earned better from him. I put him and my two DSSs first for over 9 years. I deserved the same. I didn't even get TT. He refused to answer questions about her or the A. He relapsed from NC and was lieing about it. I just decided it was time to love myself more.
If you are just not ready, remain separated, 180, and NC until he either starts making you his number one priority, or when you have finally had enough. Whichever comes first, but start loving yourself best and putting yourself first. Nobody deserves this mierda.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB

Posts: 1787 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
angerisme
♀ Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen StillLivin!!! There is NO reason to accept less than what we deserve. The problem is when you've been cheated it it made me feel worthless :(...it was a long road to getting my confidence and self-esteem back to a healthy place...but boy when I did he suddenly became a very small, very irritating SMALL factor in my life!!! Good riddance to all of the lying, manipulating selfish small childish spouses of the world!


If they cheat once and only show remorse when they get caught...GET A LAWYER! Dont waste 10 years only to learn you've been manipulated for a decade. Youth lost to betrayal is a terrible foundation for the rest of your life.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Dec 2012
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About two months after dday. When she was not willing to leave her AP, was beginning to vilify me, and the Maine thing was that I never cared for her during her 9 year cancer battle and wanted her to die. That 9 years was a defining thing for me in our marriage. I may have had issues, but the one thing that I know I did right was care for my wife in her darkest moments. That denial showed me she was so far gone in her fog that filing was the only path left.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 391 | Registered: Aug 2013
Confused1829
♀ Member
Member # 32729
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((statistic)))

I'm sorry. It is hard, I was still in love with him the day I filed for separation, divorce and months after. But there are a lot of things in life that we love that are bad for us, it's a process to fall out of love and get the distance and space you need to heal, so be kind to yourself.

For me, I knew it was completely over the 2nd time I caught him cheating. I had caught him on DDay in May, and we were in marriage counseling and he was being an asshat. Totally defensive, mean, still blame shifting, trying to make me feel crazy and out of line. 2 months later I found him with her again. He had never stopped the affair and worse, she practically moved in when I moved out.

At that point, even though I was still in love with him, I just couldn't do it anymore. It was like everything in me was dying and I had to leave him to save myself.


I attribute it to a very ill person. Where they have a disease or something on their arm or another important limb. You want to save your arm. How can you LIVE without your right arm? You can't even picture it. So you're in denial and doing everything you can to save it, but the disease keeps spreading and you're getting sicker and sicker. At a certain point you have to amputate or you'll die. I felt like I was dying and that it while it was so painful to leave, it was more painful to stay. I had to make a choice and save myself.

The good news? Once I made a choice, I could finally begin to heal. The limbo was the hardest part.

Hang in there and we're here for you!


Me: fBW 31
DDays: May 31 2011 & Aug 6 2011. Divorced November 14, 2011 (No Kids)

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New York City
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. This is a lonely place to be and having you all respond makes a world of difference. It is particularly helpful to hear from those farther down the road. This is like losing a limb! I can't imagine my life past the moment he is no longer my husband. At the same time, I know I do not deserve this. No one does.
And I see myself growing sicker and sicker each day. Perhaps limbo is the worst part of it all.
He discontinued his affair before I found out about it, but did not respect my request for no contact while I was pregnant with our first. He still kept her as a client. That is a hard pill to swallow. Except I thought it was an EA at worst, only to learn one month ago it was an PA after months of boldface lies. It's as if my brain can only handle small pieces of his indiscretions at a time. I focus on one lie or one moment at a time because the sheer weight and magnitude are too great for me to ingest.

I think I am apprehensive because I am still reeling from the affair, trying to raise our 4 month old, and don't know if I have anything left in the tank for a divorce. Forgiveness and reconciliation after an affair are thoughts and actions beyond my capacity to understand or engage in. He knew that before he cheated. It didn't stop him. Sorry for the vent. I see a long road ahead of me and I'm scared to take the first step.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 130 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was very in love with my spouse when I filed for separation. I can remember the exact moment I decided to file. I know what I was wearing, what I did that afternoon and the music I listened to. I was miserable with the situation as it was. The feeling of being off balance all the time, or walking on eggshells so as not to make him want her more than me. Or wondering how many others there were or would be. And once the decision was made it was like a huge weight was lifted. Because at least I was going in a direction. Not one of my liking but I came to the conclusion that staying stuck was worse.

Fortunately for me he made it easy for me to absolutely hate him when I filed for divorce. During that separation he kept leading me to believe he wanted to come back, while he was living with her. Then he announced that he wanted to marry her and wanted me to be his mistress. By the time I figured out that for Christmas he bought me, her and yet another woman the same sweater in three colors using my credit card, I was a done as a person can get.


Posts: 143 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew when the thought of living alone for the rest of my life was more attractive to me than spending one more day living with him.

I spent my 40th birthday alone. I filed 3 days later.

FTG - life got seriously better when I got rid of 200 pounds of ugly weight.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7038 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My therapist often asks me "what would that look like?". About 4 months into R he was lying to me, and getting very angry that I wasn't buying his ridiculous pack of lies. In that moment I realized I was done. When trying to see what trusting him would look like, I had nothing. Nothing. No action he could take, no amount of time that could pass. I loved him, I love him still, but he is completely unsafe to me. I actually thought of him as a limb, but one so injured the only option was amputation. I expect I will love him for a long time, but I still feel 100% I made the right choice. Hugs to you, it's a terrible place to be.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

The sea is so wide, and my boat is so small.


Posts: 554 | Registered: May 2013 | From: A state of overwhelmed
surviving1963
♀ Member
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew when I begged and pleaded for WH and OW to stop seeing each other and they refused. Said they will always see each other as "just friends".

I loved him and was SO hurt, but felt like I was left with no other choice. Hardest thing I ever did - filing for divorce.

Sending courage and strength your way. It's hard when you heart tells you one thing....and your head tells you another.


Me: 50
WH: almost 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 32 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
7 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 96 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
StrongAlone
♀ New Member
Member # 39564
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((statistic))) I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and have a 4 month old baby. That is hard.

My moment of decision came today! He introduced our children to his female 'friend' without even telling me he was going to do that. When I got upset with what he had done he said, I knew you'd jump to conclusions regardless of the facts. When I asked for 'the facts', who was she, etc. He just ignored me. And that my friends...means it's time to move on! I feel kind of happy actually with the fact that its finally over!


Me (BS) 39 Him (WH, SA, covert NPD) 40
Married 8 years, 2 young kids
DD1-Right after engagement 2004
DD2-Email from OW 2008
DD3-2012-Him diagnosed with cancer, I thought we grew closer, he kept cheating.
Divorcing.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
mandan66
♂ Member
Member # 40075
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Statistic)))
I knew it was time when my therapist at the time suggested that maybe it was time for me to get get rid of my 'wishbone' and get a 'backbone'. The X also made it incredibly easy; very light on the remorse. And I wanted a grown-up marriage, and she didn't/couldn't. I knew it was right when I did it, and besides, you can file and cancel later at any time.


Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
M:18--T:19
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
hurting2much
♀ Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were in the middle of a traumatic family issue when I found out he was cheating again. I was so emotionally drained I just couldn't "deal" with his crap too. I had no reserves. I knew at that moment, when I discovered his repeat cheating, that he would always put himself, his needs, his wants, first.


Divorced

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Sep 2009
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I did surveillance on him and saw him meeting up with the OW over and over again.



D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 2803 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...maybe it was time for me to get get rid of my 'wishbone' and get a 'backbone'.

Your therapist has a way with words, mandan.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22710 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 17

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