Things have been going fairly well, until yesterday. MC is going well as is IC (for me), although she needs it as well, but our insurance won't allow one person to see multiple counselors at a time.
We woke up early that morning and I decided to have wake her up well. After 20 minutes or so, we enjoyed the intimacy. Clearly she did, after multiple orgasms, she began growing louder and louder. This was at approximately 6am. We live in an apartment, with our kids in the next room and neighbors above and below us.
After her fourth orgasm, she screamed so loud that our upstairs neighbors hit the floor five times in a row. At that point, we continued but without realizing it, I found myself shushing her. On the third shush, I was told "WHY ARE YOU SHUSHING ME?!?!"
I replied: "I don't want to bother the neighbors", in a meek and timid voice. She replied - "Fuck the neighbors! They are always making noise! They could have been just making noise like they always are. You care more about how they feel than you do about me. Thanks."
I thought about it and she was right, to an extent. The neighbors could care less, but she was VERY, VERY loud at 6am on a weekday.
After a few minutes past, I apologized and found my WS in the shower crying. I apologized and she said "It's just par for the course. You're always stifling my feelings." At this point, I went into our other bathroom and started to cry. I never want to supress how she or anyone else feels or expresses themselves.
We haven't been intimate since and this was after a difficult weekend which lacked intimacy, affection and sex - she was recovering from oral surgery and I was in charge of the kids and household for the weekend.
She responded positively to texts and turned it around. We began sexting each other. Eventually the day got the best of us and it fizzled out.
When she got home - very late - I was exhausted, as was she. Our two year old would not go to bed and so she fell asleep at 11, while I tended to the two year old until 12:30.
What bothers me is that last night, I told her that I loved her. She simply nodded her head and said "I know." Today I asked her "Do you love me?" She responded "why are you asking me this now?" Granted, I called her at work but it still worried me. After a non-response, she replied "Yes, of course I love you." But quite begrudgingly.
Did I screw up somehow? Any suggestions on how to go forward. Our weekly "state of the relationship" discussion should take place tonight and I'm a bit anxious about it.
Am I going crazy? It's been a little over 2 months since D-Day and there have been ups and downs but I literally am not feeling the love. I can't explain it. I'm overcome with emotion right now and feel the final death of the relationship coming.
We don't have MC until November 8th. While I feel we could use him ASAP, eventually we have to learn to deal on our own.
Any suggestions on what to do? How to act? Should I start following the 180 HARD?
And if she's that loud, she should be shushed! Kids in the next room and neighbors banging on the floor? And you give her multiple orgasms and she's going to COMPLAIN? Whatevs.
FYI, we already ARE in MC and this will certainly be a topic of discussion for our next session if it isn't ironed out by November 8th.
Our marriage was in trouble BEFORE the DDay. The affair is 100% her fault. The marriage is 50/50. I just get the feeling that she is done.
We have a ton of stress on us right now. I lost my job in early July and we've fallen far behind on bills. I'm considering bankruptcy. She is upset that we don't live in or own a home after five years of marriage. We're holding on to this marriage by a thread.
@oldcow18 - I agree and I'm angry at myself for feeling like I'm somehow at fault. Most women would let it go, but she takes it as a rejection and ties it into the greater scheme of our relationship instead of just looking at this incident and letting it go.
Maybe I need to let her go. But I love her and love my family and want to give it my all to stay together.
sorry, I guess I have nothing constructive to add... I thought you did right.
[This message edited by rachelc at 3:39 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
Um.... And kudos on the 4 Os for crying out loud. No pun intended. :)
[This message edited by Wondertwin at 3:48 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]
"It's just par for the course. You're always stifling my feelings."
^^This needs to be explored more in your MC session. Sounds like something she is building resentment over perhaps?
@vivere - you're correct. We'll discuss tonight during our "state of the relationship" weekly meeting. If it's not satisfied, or even if it is, it will get talked about in MC.
I'm angry at myself for feeling like I'm somehow at fault.
"You're always stifling my feelings."
I literally am not feeling the love.
I'm overcome with emotion right now and feel the final death of the relationship coming.
I replied: "I don't want to bother the neighbors", in a meek and timid voice
BTW, you are only 2 months out from d-day and your WW has got this all twisted around on you? Fuck that shit!
you give her multiple orgasms and she's going to COMPLAIN? Whatevs.
Yes, you definitely need to talk about this. However, I don't feel you owe her any kind of apology. You were uncomfortable, she should respect your feelings. It wasn't the neighbors feelings, it was yours!
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 4:53 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
"WHY ARE YOU SHUSHING ME?!?!"
Fuck the neighbors! They are always making noise!
Part of the reason why she was upset because she wasn't DONE.
"It's just par for the course. You're always stifling my feelings."
After a non-response, she replied "Yes, of course I love you." But quite begrudgingly.
Her sense of entitlement is disgusting
Tread carefully Reegz.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
you lost me at four orgasms...
I am there. Wow...you give her four orgasms each time? Just...wow...I...um..wow....can you give my WH lessons?
Oh...sorry...seriously....I do understand you shushing her so I think she is over reacting. And I don't understand why she wouldn't say she loved you. ETA: I believe the others,and your own, suggestion about talking it over are great. I hope it goes well. I'm sorry for the above joke...just wanted to lighten the mood a little...even though it's really not a light subject at all.
[This message edited by topperoff22 at 9:44 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]
She is ignoring everyone's boundries, yours, the kids, the neighbors and she is acting like she is the only one who is mattering.
The next time she is screeching after 4 orgasms, stick a fork in her and tell her that she is DONE.
To me, she sounds like she is manipulating you. Especially when she turned this to be about you failing to meet her needs. She led you on knowing you would be bothered by not saying I love you and by withdrawing from you. Not sure what she is trying to prove, but there is something there. I agree is also needs to be explored in MC.
If tonight's conversation doesn't help iron out the issues, I would recommend the 180. You have given her the gift of R...she is jeopardizing it with her behavior.
Hugs to you.
First, I like the idea of discussing what is expected ahead of time...ie, no screaming due to kids or use a pillow if you need to be loud. Failure to explain expectations can easily lead to resentment.
Second, you are only 2 months out.....gently....Fuck her reaction of crying. I say that with kindness. I was way too kind and understanding after my DD. It cost me my self respect and bought my wife time to take her EA to a PA while in weekly MC sessions with scattered IC sessions ....I enabled her to continue to inflict pain on me and further damage our family. This will be a long standing regret....I use my actions then to conquer my FOO issues now so as to never return to that spot again. I pray our daughters operate from a more healthy standpoint in their future marriage should they find themselves in the role of a BS. Of course, I pray they avoid this life-event all together.
I am projecting here quite a bit...but your wifes abnormally strong reaction to your sshhhing her may be tied to your controlling nature (as she suggests) but it could also be a deflection of sorts...to push herself back from her own pain and place the source of the pain temporarily onto your shoulders. I see very few WS who have strong remorse just 2 months out.....see even fewer of those that are women. My gut tells me women that cheat have a stronger bond to their AP then men do....is harder to break. Her outburst may be a way to distance herself from working on herself....and focusing her attention more towards....It is my husbands fault....sort of thinking.
I believe conflict avoiding is a character trait of many WS....what better way to avoid the strong internal conflict inside oneself then by focusing on anyone else.
My two cents.
God be with you both.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:50 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]
She is ignoring everyone's boundries, yours, the kids, the neighbors and she is acting like she is the only one who is mattering
Agree. And she should be putting you & the kids first right now.
You are walking on eggshells.
I also walked on eggshells after Dday.
(Not that I was afraid WH would leave---that never entered my mind because he never intended to leave---I just didn't know if I wanted him back after he did such a horrific thing.)
But I see now that I walked on eggshells, & still do sometimes, because deep down
I am afraid that he went outside of the marriage because I am unlovable(there is something intrinsically wrong with me.)
I can tell you, Reegz, that it is not your fault, anything you did (including job problems, etc.), that caused your WW to cheat on you---because just by reading your thread I sense that you are a good person, a good husband, a good father. It is not easy to really believe this about ourselves tho.
It really had nothing to do with you. It is because she is selfish.
I think you need to start the 180. Stop worrying so much if she is going to leave, & start thinking about if you want to stay with someone who would treat you that way after you gave her the pleasure of 4 orgasms.
found my WS in the shower crying
I actually snorted when I read this. Really>? Okay, well she should get over it.
She sounds like she has a superiority complex, doesn't matter about the neighbours at SIX AM or the kids or you.
It's just not respectful.
The begrudging etc well it's not very nice is it. Waywards are supposed to be nice and respectful and sensitive to your feelings. She's not.
I lost my job in early July and we've fallen far behind on bills. I'm considering bankruptcy.
In terms of bankruptcy this is not too much I can comment on except that I hope you've looked into consolidating your debts or transferring bills onto a interest free 6 month credit card. See if you can get someone to co-sign on this, such as a relative.
Also working at a bar etc is not beneath you. I, like you was in a very precarious situation last year and worked at a bar and a telemarketing company (I was only thinking about this earlier ughhh) but as of 28/10/13! I have $500 to pay off next pay cycle and I am free!
Look into churches as well they have some great schemes and ofcourse social welfare. There are also some charity legal aid (not official) ones out there and I found it (not very) useful in my situation but I do know that a few people there had appointments for bankruptcy and they were 'saved' by the lawyers giving them template responses.
By the way if it is big telephone companies, if you escalate on them repeatedly you can generally get them to suspend the bills for a couple of months before a payment plan is instigated (did this as well).
If you don't have a house or any other big ticket loans. There seems to be always a way.
Granted this advice is based in Australia so I am not too sure how much this applies for you.
Also I am not into personally (but I do not judge) public begging but I have a few friends who cannot afford vet bill sell something in return for money (example music).
Either way your wife needs to get with the program. Would claiming bankruptcy impact her, could this stem from some of her over-emotional reactions?
Also I've heard it is nowhere near as bad in the US to claim bankruptcy??
The big question is, why are YOU comforting HER? Why are YOU worried about HER feelings? Poor dear, she cheated! Yup -- that makes sense!
Yes, 180 time. She's supposed to be winning YOU back, not vice versa. And you have to think about why you're enabling this drama queeen.
Sorry -- I know that's pretty harsh and not a gentle 2x4 at all. I have to work on the "gentle" part...
[This message edited by Blobette at 7:30 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]