I know affairs are from loneliness, fear or anger (or all 3)
Affairs are from low self esteem and entitlement, poor coping skills and pure selfishness, not loneliness, fear or anger. Well, I guess you may find some revenge affairs stemming from anger.
Your H wasn't lonely or afraid. He was selfish and has a low self esteem. He found someone to boost that esteem by accepting him and wanting him, and he went for it to get a 'fix'. Don't think for a second this was some kind of cry for help. It was an act of pure selfishness, nothing more.
Alex, I realize you had 20 years that were 'good', but your H is now a serial cheater. He won't stop. He's done this more than a handful of times, and honestly I'd be looking really closely at the first 20 years of your relationship. It wouldn't surprise me at all to find more cheating back then, and that you only started finding it after you started looking, once he was caught 4 years ago.
Your H does this every time. He cries "oh, you deserve better. I won't stand in your way. You should be happy, I'm so sorry but I understand, blah blah blah." This is what he did last time, no? He's now trying for your sympathy, but I've yet to see any real change from him, and neither have you which is really what's important here.
He's suddenly willing to let you go. Perhaps this last one was an exit affair, where the WS cheats hoping that the BS finds out and ends the relationship. That way, the WS doesn't have to sit down and explain that he/she just wants out.
Alex, you aren't 'throwing in the towel'. You are standing up for yourself. You've been through so much in just the last few years. You really don't need any more grief, and if this was an exit affair, that's what you'll end up with - because he'll do it again.
Aside from the affair, what does he say he wants? Or is he only saying he 'understands' why you want to leave? I'd be very curious where his head is relating to that question - does he want to R, or is he also 'done'
Your posts are so filled with pain Alex. I feel like your WH is manipulating you, saying he understands why you want to end things, leaving you to either not end things and hope it doesn't happen again, or end them wondering, since he's being so nice and understanding, if you made a mistake because THIS time may be the last time. He's putting it all on you, when it should be all on him.
Alex, do you really want him, after all he's done, or is this such a big change that fear of the unknown is really holding you back. That fear is very normal, and many people do stay because of it. A major change after nearly a quarter of a century is really a big step.
I think you really need to see where his head is, and what he is willing to do to if you stay together. Is he willing to do the real work this time, or is he being sad and 'letting go' because that's what he really wants but doesn't have the strength to say that?
I know I'm a good person but I feel so guilt ridden to end this and see how bad he is hurting and at the same time...
When does it STOP being all about him?
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.
All I understand from this conversation is basically - the punishment doesn't fit the crime....he didn't say that. And he has expressed complete sorrow but it makes me question if I'm being ridiculous.
We have great kids, good business, good investments, a nice home.... Do I want to totally disrupt everything and everyone cause he had another ONS. Do I believe him when he says he is really going to work on it. He is do mad/hurt at me because when I caught him every rotten thing he has ever done spewed from the inner depths of the darkest place inside me and I just kept telling him what a horrible person he was for days, weeks now.
He said that must be how I really feel. And I told him of course I'm going to immediately think of all the bad-- it's a defense to convince myself he's such an ass rather than call to pieces. He doesn't get it.
I don't even know how many days it's been since I confronted him.... I don't even know what I'm doing. I understand why people remain single. Why would any one opt into this nightmare -- why would I not run as far as I can... How do u measure the good vs bad. How can I know that he always thought the world of me and made me feel so special and also know that he's a liar and a cheater.
He said today, "some of the things you've said about me are horrible and they aren't about the acts I've committed but about my character. I can't change my character so I know I must let this end so you can find happiness" Is it reverse psychology? Is it manipulation or is this his quiet way of saying I've been cheating on u more times then u know and I don't want to cause you anymore pain?
It's hard to talk to him right now cause he is terribly sensitive. His eyes are filled with tears 24 hours a day.
I sometimes just want to freeze the world so I can breathe and remain still for a minute, so I can digest what's happened without any other influences. Thank you for reading my rambling posts. I sound terribly dramatic and I apologize if there are typos I do not reread or of never hit send.
How do u forgive and try again when you did forgive before and before and before.
Honest and truly I don't think I could. Once was enough for me. Then again I didn't think I'd be doing this either, so never say never.
If he won't stop doing this you have 2 choices. You can either decide to live with it or decide to split up.
Bc unfortunately his actions suggest that he is not going to stop.
I will cross my fingers that he sees the light.
And he has expressed complete sorrow but it makes me question if I'm being ridiculous.
Ridiculous? You aren't disrupting anything. He did. He's cheated again and again and again. You deserve better. His crocodile tears are nothing but manipulation. He's been saying for a week how 'he needs to just let you go if that's what you want'. Boo fucking whoo. He's manipulating you, and now he's doing it financially by saying that 'without you I have nothing to work for.' Yeah, but you couldn't keep it in your pants for me even though you know how it just crushes me. Screw him.
You tell him that he does have something to work for - it's called child support. Besides, if you worked there too, you can just take it over, and you make the money. You do NOT need him, for anything.
He's manipulating you. If he really means he needs to 'let you go'. then he should leave, and NOW. He doesn't mean it. He's trying to make you believe he's just so sad and hurt. HE'S HURT? So, he keeps screwing other women. Does that mean he doesn't love you? Of course you said horrible things to him. You've been hurt repeatedly.
I don't know your H, but I hate him. I hate that he's manipulating you, and trying to make you the bad guy. I hate that he has you wondering if you shouldn't be upset. I hate that he's making this about how you feel about him, and not about him being a serial cheater. He's scum, plain and simple, and he knows how to get to you.
If you're going to let him stay, then make him sign a post nup. Make him turn the business over to you 100% if he is unfaithful from the date of him signing the agreement forward. Then you'll see how serious he is about his sorrow and not wanting the business if he doesn't have you.
Your husband is a pile of shit and he's playing with your mind. He has you questioning your own value, and he's blaming you.
I'm sorry - but that's what's happening.
He said I just don't show that I care at all. I said a person doesn't have to be crying on the closet floor (like I did many times) and screaming, and self loathing to show they care. I said I feel bad he is hurting but nothing has changed. No effort has been made to try and figure out why this keeps happening. It's not my fault. I get hit on all the time (well not all the time) but it doesn't make me arrange secret ONS times for my who to be boosted. A nice compliment makes me feel good.
he was questioning my FB and friends on Facebook. I just said if someone friend requests me I accept. I have never been inappropriate on FB and I am confident in that. I'm sure he'd want me to get rid of it if we R.
It's not that I don't care. I just feel like enough is enough. I'm really trying to be strong and just not give into his trigger arguments. I'm trying. I still do miss him bc we were together 24 years and we early were apart. It's still like I am missing something everyday. I d k I'm just not ready to make any decisions completely. I don't feel like I should have to.
He isn't going to let any business go. He's saying that to make you feel how 'sorry he is'. Bullshit.
Set up visitation with the kids, tell him when to come get them, and start behaving like he's gone, and R is off the table. Right now he knows he's still in your head. See how he behaves when he knows you're moving on and making plans for this sham of a marriage he's in to be done. He'll change. He'll either get some real help instead of playing his manipulation games, or his true colors will show and you'll have all the answers you need.
He is just despicable. He really is something else.
I would like to say to him - "how about we get back together and we agree that I can lie to him and go screw random people whenever I'm feeling bad about myself"(I wouldn't)--- of course he would say "he doesn't want to live like that" -- and then I would say "well that's what your asking me to do for you, live with knowing that nothing has changed and these behaviors will continue"
I am a forgiver. Not really a grudge holder however if I've forgiven you before for the sand thing and you repeatedly do the same thing to me-- a wall goes up, all those old hurts come to the forefront and I remember every shitty thing you've ever done.
He says he can't deal with me attacking his character everytime we talk-- so fix your F'ed up character. I'm not doing it for you.
I need to take a minute to breathe. I don't want to start the day with this hostility.
He says he truly realizes what he has done. He seems very frustrated because I haven't been begging him to come back home. Part of me doesn't even feel like this is me it my life. Like I'm an observer.
I'm so tired. I have been keeping up appearances and going to the gym but this has made me feel like nothing is worth it. I am so disappointed in the entire human race at this point all I can do is smile cause if not I'd cry.
I feel like my emotions have flat lined
He seems very frustrated because I haven't been begging him to come back home.
He expected you to, which is why he was fine cheating again. Do NOT back down Alex. You can do this. You've been doing great so far. Who cares if he's frustrated. It's a lot better than the way he's left you, right? He caused this, not you. If you had done as expected and just accepted his apology, he'd be doing it again already!!
It was your birthday Alex!!! This pig was taking you out early so he could get to his date!! Do NOT forget that!!
You will feel better in time. You will, but it will take time to heal. You are probably better doing NC as best you can with him. He wants to be in your head, and you need him out. If it isn't about the kids, it isn't important.
Stay strong. You don't need a cheater in your life, making you feel like this. You just don't.
I am in a bad place. There's nothing that looks like the right option. R looks too hard and no guarantee it will work and D seems too crazy and possibly explosive. I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel like a complete loser, scared of my own shadow.
He is a mega-manipulator and he needs to grow the fuck up.
He takes ownership if his bad choices
He showed up at an outting unannounced. Thought it would be a good place to try and start putting things behind us
So Painfulpast brought up (twice) the issue of what happened on your birthday......and you haven't acknowledged it. And I'm not saying that you HAVE to....what I'm saying is that is seems that you are trying to *push down* your own feelings about all of this shit that he has pulled and is pulling because you are *trying* to make-this-work. I am going to tell you to Stop.It! STOP being so f'n nice because it's not going to accomplish what you are hoping to accomplish.
Stop worrying about this *forgiveness* stuff right now. Seriously. You can forgive him for whatever you want to, but you give that forgiveness as a way of setting that load down and putting it in your rear-view mirror so that you can move forward. You can forgive people that have hurt you but that doesn't mean that if they are toxic, fucked-up people that they have to remain a part of your life. It means that you have recognized that person to be an albatross around your neck who is no longer a *positive* in your life and you need to cast the albatross off to move forward in a healthy way. "*You* go do your toxic thing. I'll do my healthy thing. No harm, no foul. Grace, grace. No hard feelings."
Just in case you're wondering -- I dealt with a guy like your WH. For way too long. I wasted about 3 years of my life 'waiting' for him to *get it*. He never did and he never will. If anything, my *forgiving* nature just made it 1000X worse.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.