Yeah, not very original story here. Still painful though.
I feel your pain Biskit. His response displays little remorse for the damage he has inflicted upon you. Seems like your DD was 1.5 years ago...but I only see 14 posts from you....gently.....how have you guys processed through this trauma? Reading books? I see you did some counseling but the counselor sided with your husband....did you find another?
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:15 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]
He was unavailable, whether deliberately or accidentally, and he is blameshifting to keep from owning this.
Insult to injury when they blow it, then demonize you for something that doesn't even make sense. Ironic, because adults should own their shit. Don't let him put this on you. He can retort with whatever he wants. Don't let it in.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
We never texted before his a.
After he moved back home he was resistant to texting, I think it reminded him of his actions, caused him to feel guilt. Just speculating. I think this because he was resistant to anything that made him think about his actions.
I insisted. I texted him that "you gave this to her, this attention, these brief exchanges, this time, now I want that and this is part of it." He got that small part right away. He complied with my request.
I wish everything had been that easy!
It is still a battle, but stay strong in what you need.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
SOME feelings can be conveyed via text and email....but without tones of voices, pattern and pace, and body language it is really up to the person receiving them to assign an emotional value to them....to fill in lots of blanks that are created by the lack of the previously mentioned other ways we communicate and connect.
If you are ordering 12 cases of paper...email and text are great ways to communicate.
If you are looking to motivate or have buy-in on a concept or project...texting and emails should be avoided at all cost, especially if you are dealing with a less-than-motivated employee.
Live phone calls would be the minimum contact used and face to face interaction is the preferred way to attain these goals.
So this got me to thinking....my wifes A really spawned via text messages, and was sustained a considerable amount by this form of communication.
The value that this connection to the MOM was very much placed on it by her.
I have read a lot about the Mirror affect.....people see what they want to see.
This training spoke about motivating and connecting with people....specifically, less than motivated people.
My thought is that my wife very much wanted to connect to a person. So much so that she filled in the blanks that texting and emails had with regards to who her AP was, wasn't and saw exactly what she wanted to see in him.
This is not a blakesteele original thought...I have read many books talking about the mirror affect, how nothing is unique or special about AP, that it is about the WS, etc etc etc.
I just thought it worth noting that something like 70% of communication and human connection is expressed, attained, and sustained in non-verbal ways.
I cant give you an exact hour estimate of how much time my wife and her AP spent in real life face to face or voice to voice time together. But I believe it is a safe assumption that way more time was invested in her affair via texting....and the subsequent work of her mind as she pondered those texts and pondered what they meant to her, inferring what he meant by his words, seeing only what she wanted to see....it is no mystery as to how her A meant so much to her....she had a very large part in creating that masterpiece.
God help us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:36 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]
This was how I discovered as well. Countless texts filled with references and innuendos and comfort and jokes. A holes. And yes- same old story- he stopped texting and calling me because he was texting and calling her.
Blakesteele- your post about the mirror effect really resonates with me. I enjoy this site because every now and again I find a small piece to the puzzle that helps me understand more and more. This mirror effect sounds like my WHs situation exactly. Once again Blake I am grateful that you are such an avid reader and information hound.
Biskit- it does sound a little IMO like he associates texting with his A- and so, like you said, it makes him feel guilty and he is probably trying to distance himself from an action he equated with the A.
Having said that- I know for me, resuming out texting and sexting was important- it was part if reclining what was mine. Have you tried explaining what it represents to you? Does he understand that the may be a way for him to reassure you? Rather than pretending he hates textin he can turn it around and begin texting for the right reasons- to help you heal.
we are adults, we talk on the phone, texts are for our kids."
On the other hand, I do like to look at other possible interpretations of things before coming to a hard conclusion. Maybe he looks back at the A with shame and sees it as immature kid stuff, and does not want to "be like that" with you? Do you think this second perspective is a possibility?
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
The "cool" part of this whole experience is how it can lead to personal growth and improvement in all involved.
The pain sucks...the pay off may not be worth the pain...but lets look at what this can do for us...
Texting in the context of a real relationship can be just sharing little thoughts and showing that you're being remembered (a big thing for me as I was so conveniently forgotten for so long) but in an A texting is as blakesteele says.
The way I read it is he's saying you're more important to him than a text, and would rather talk to you.
The training I spoke of is not unlike many I have been to over the 20 years that my professional career spans....so this news is not new-to-me.
What IS new-to-me is the perspective I entered that training with...and my new perspective was ushered in by my wifes choice to committ adultery....this is the "cool" part I was referring too.
I like what Marthonwaseasy refers to here...and it jives with the training. That emails, texts, and memos serve a purpose and a role....they can nurture a connection real-life contact has already started.
I can see the danger at work, within my management efforts of relying too heavily on texting, emails and memos.
The human connection is at risk...loosing connections within "the team", which leads to loss of ownership and buy in and loss of production or forward movement. That one is easy to pick out.
But how about this one?
Just like my wife read way more into her relationship with her fAP due to primarily a texting-email type of exchange (80% of the A was sustained via this form of communication...a rough estimate as i dont know exactly how many hours per week they were physically together) and very limited face and voice time....allowing her to believe it was more "special" then it was, that it was "better" then it was...so is the risk I run within my areas of responsibility. Thinking my projects were running better then I thought they were.
(I have been guilty of too many emails, texts, and short to the point memos)
When I rely too strongly on these forms of communication and displace real human-connecting forms...I have run the risk of fooling MYSELF! I have projected my ownership, my buy-in of a particular project onto my team.
I know I have done this because it has bitten me in the butt! I have distinct recollection of being shocked to find out Foreman A doesn't really care about overtime, he values time with his family more. I inferred I was doing him a favor by providing an opportunity to make more money to take care of his family. I presented this opportunity via texting. Perhaps I communicated to him that he was ONLY as valuable as a text...no one wants to feel that way so he worked with my text and drew a larger conclusion, more of a story behind it than was warranted...he felt some pride that I needed his help (as he falsely assumed his specific help was needed, the project would not succeed without his overtime hours) and he felt some trepidation as to what that would mean to his family.
Had I actually taken any real time with him I would have learned that, at that point in his life, he valued time with his family over getting out of the tight financial spot he was in.
Overtime was optional, but my use of text allowed him to infer that it was mandatory ...even though I used the word "optional" in the text. I missed 70% of the tools needed to fully explain my desires, the true nature of the program status..so he did what he could, he filled in the blanks. He had ownership enough to come in for overtime, but resentment was building.
I missed the opportunity to really connect with this foreman...and ran the risk of generating serious resentment. Luckily, we visited on this in person, after the first week and corrected the false inferring that took place.
That particular Foreman now works all the overtime he can get....but he and I visit verbally and in person a lot more often.
I now have a new appreciation for real-life, in person communication and the fact that relaionships, such as that with this foreman, are dynamic. Regular in-person connection is a never ending mode of operation...it is were real human connections are sustained and grown.
It is our society that pushes us to do more with less...smart phones are just the latest technology that make this a "realistic expectation".
I enjoy working and desire to be productive. I valued the speed and efficiency that texts, memos, and emails afforded me. I now see what it costs me.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:21 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]
I was thinking the same thing as WH5, unless he left you hanging for hours.
My husband and I didn't text before the affair and we still don't. He checks in with me out or respect, not because I ask him to.
His AP needed constant contact and reassurance because she was insecure. She wanted to keep tabs on him and them be in each other's back pocket. Personally, it would drive me insane, if someone was texting me all the time. -- I understand it's different for every BS, especially freshly out.
My husband knows he acted like a teenager during his affair, it's an embarrassment, and the texting was part of that. Same reason he won't use emoticons. Sometimes their texts were just using emoticons -- yeah, that's mature, deep and meaningful.
He calls me or sends heartfelt emails instead. He would also think it's the adult thing to do. More respectful.
My husband is remorseful. Texting would trigger him. Acting like an adult and being completely different than he was in his affair is a big deal to him.
I don't want anything like what he and the AP had. It was pathetic and immature. She wanted the immature, broken parts. I want no part of that.
Bizkit, talk to your husband and tell him how you felt and see what his reasoning for this is.
[This message edited by DixieDevastated at 9:42 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]