I am considering having my friend from my grief group, the same one who suggested I read here to make up my mind about this issue, contact his wife anonymously and say that she has evidence that her husband had an affair.
Given all that you just shared and the dynamics behind your job...I think that sounds like a good plan.
You stay out of it, yet the BW still gets the information she truly needs.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
When that didn't work he began to make subtle threats against me regarding my career and actually began stalking me.
People who can't deal with rejection and take to stalking are in a league all their own. Boundaries mean nothing.
I agree with DS. Good luck.
IMO waywards can own total responsibility for our A, yet acknowledge that other factors (such as "being played by a player" ) were present. Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it, right?! Query, I haven''''t heard you minimize your role, guilt, or responsibility at all. However, I''''m concerned you might be a little overconfident in your certainty that the "perfect storm" could never brew again. You were emotionally needy and ended up trying to fill that hole in an unhealthy way. That''''s what you should BOLO for...your internal emotional state, not an outside influence such as a serial predator/cheater.
Your plan for informing OBS sounds good to me, and may give you some of the peace you''''re looking for. Your wording here I think is good, if you do interface with her I''''d try to avoid phrases like "I want" and "I feel" if possible, because she''''s not going to give a crap what you want or feel. Clearly during the A you (we) didn''''t give a crap what OBS wanted or felt.
I am no longer in touch in any way with her husband and do not wish ever to be and that I want no further contact with her either. I just want her to have the information because I am sorry I engaged in the affair and I feel she has a right to know.
[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 12:22 PM, October 30th, 2013 (Wednesday)]
20, you've come a long way in a short time.
query, I'd love for you to post, or PM me, when you read Psychopath Free, because I think it will blow your mind. I wonder whether serial cheaters who follow that playbook do it deliberately, or if they're just damaged narcissists who are "naturals" at that type of manipulation. Maybe some of both. In any case, they wouldn't succeed without a steady supply of willing participants.
I think it's good to tell your story and what was occurring in your life when your A began. It's part of the process. There's a world of difference in giving important information about yourself and not taking responsiblity for your behavior during that time.
Like DS, I like your plan. I may have missed this but I'm wondering if you knew, even slightly, the BS.
I'm trying to be as tactful as humanly possible from this point forward.
As to your actual question, I think you should leave this alone.
I'm having an incredibly hard time believing you are trying to let the W know for any altruistic reason. That is my gut sense judging by what you've written.
You come across as a very bright lady. I'm a wee bit skeptical that you were manipulated into an A, as if you had little choice in the matter. I don't see you taking much responsibility for your actions.
I do see you placing most of the blame on him. This is why I think you have some other motivating factor about telling his W. I'm not about to arm chair shrink about what it actually is, but I really don't think it's for the reasons you've stated.
Perhaps MM was predatory, perhaps not. You both chose to indulge your feelings, regardless of who it hurt. Placing the blame on him isn't helping YOU any.
It seems to me if you were truly remorseful, you'd not inflict any more damage to his BW. I think if you are really going to do this, YOU should be the one to speak to her. Not have someone else take the fall, and conveniently, cover your butt in the process.
Just my opinion, and again, I hope that I didn't come across as being disrespectful, that isn't my intent.
Vulcanized I risk nothing if I don't tell. I gain nothing but risk if I do tell. I absolutely do not him to contact me ever again. He has left me alone since I moved thus far. I bear no animosity toward his wife. I never met her or even saw a picture of her. I am truly sorry that I had an affair with her husband. As I have said, the question I'm struggling with is whether or not to tell her.
I appreciate the advice re my vulnerability in the future. I was overcome with guilt, unfounded but very real, that I wasn't there, that if I had been maybe it wouldn't have happened. I still struggle with this but my support group and the friends I have made has been a huge help. At least I know I'm not alone with these feelings. I never remotely found myself in such a situation before. It's not something I ever could've even have imagined doing. As I said, the grief, guilt at not being there and isolation put me in a very dark place, a place I'd never been before and hope never to be again. Every day without her is still a struggle but I'm not drowning any more. I'm surviving.
Regarding predatory WHs, mine was one and at the same time also had a predatory OW. He had multiple OW and some of them didn't know he was married while some knew and deliberately were working hard to have him divorce me, even pretending to be pregnant. Funny thing is I pity them all. Then promptly ignored them and place the whole blame on my FWS. Told him just what kind of a person he truly is and why he would think he deserves me. He couldn't blame shift from there cause everytime he tries to semi-blame OW or have me hate her, I turn it all the way around back to him. I guess I'm different BW than most you've read about in that situation cause I had no problem blaming my FWS fully as I felt he needed to earn my love and am not afraid of loosing my love for him after the HB phase. Hard work on both sides 6 year later and we're stronger than ever.
I'm sure you'll get to that point too as a stronger person with clear boundaries now that you know what you're capable of. Awareness of oneself is the key.
Hugs your way.
[This message edited by Simple at 5:18 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
This thread seems to be triggering you, it may be a good time for you to step back from it.
I'm a BW myself. To this day I wish that someone at my H's workplace had had the kindness or courage to let me know what was going on.
Good luck to you.