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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Advice needed. Don't know what to do. Very long.
query
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Member # 41164
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dixie by the time he began to confide in me about his marriage, I was very emotionally dependent on him, something which he actively encouraged. Before the affair started, he would withdraw his attention just a little over minor things. I would respond by adjusting my behavior to get his attention back. This pattern gradually escalated with the stakes always being higher. So I don't think I felt sorry for him so much as desperately afraid of the emotional cliff I thought I would fall off if he withdrew from me. Therapy and antidepressants cleared my mind and I found the strength to end it. Not overnight, but I did.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am considering having my friend from my grief group, the same one who suggested I read here to make up my mind about this issue, contact his wife anonymously and say that she has evidence that her husband had an affair.

Given all that you just shared and the dynamics behind your job...I think that sounds like a good plan.

You stay out of it, yet the BW still gets the information she truly needs.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196482 | Registered: May 2002
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you have done a lot of work to understand what made you vulnerable to manipulation, attention seeking and giving away your personal power and that's great.

When that didn't work he began to make subtle threats against me regarding my career and actually began stalking me.

People who can't deal with rejection and take to stalking are in a league all their own. Boundaries mean nothing.

I agree with DS. Good luck.


Growing forward

Posts: 1759 | Registered: Sep 2011
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((query)) I can''''t imagine how terrible your loss was.

IMO waywards can own total responsibility for our A, yet acknowledge that other factors (such as "being played by a player" ) were present. Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it, right?! Query, I haven''''t heard you minimize your role, guilt, or responsibility at all. However, I''''m concerned you might be a little overconfident in your certainty that the "perfect storm" could never brew again. You were emotionally needy and ended up trying to fill that hole in an unhealthy way. That''''s what you should BOLO for...your internal emotional state, not an outside influence such as a serial predator/cheater.

Your plan for informing OBS sounds good to me, and may give you some of the peace you''''re looking for. Your wording here I think is good, if you do interface with her I''''d try to avoid phrases like "I want" and "I feel" if possible, because she''''s not going to give a crap what you want or feel. Clearly during the A you (we) didn''''t give a crap what OBS wanted or felt.

I am no longer in touch in any way with her husband and do not wish ever to be and that I want no further contact with her either. I just want her to have the information because I am sorry I engaged in the affair and I feel she has a right to know.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 12:22 PM, October 30th, 2013 (Wednesday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^ This exactly ^^^

t/j
20, you've come a long way in a short time.
end t/j


Growing forward

Posts: 1759 | Registered: Sep 2011
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j DixieD, wow, I am honored. Supportive BH, great therapist, insightful SI'ers: thank you.
end t/j (which BTW, it took me forever to figure out, means "thread [hi]jack" i.e. pardon me while I say something unrelated to the topic.).

query, I'd love for you to post, or PM me, when you read Psychopath Free, because I think it will blow your mind. I wonder whether serial cheaters who follow that playbook do it deliberately, or if they're just damaged narcissists who are "naturals" at that type of manipulation. Maybe some of both. In any case, they wouldn't succeed without a steady supply of willing participants.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
mindbody
♀ Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

query, Very sorry for you and your family.

I think it's good to tell your story and what was occurring in your life when your A began. It's part of the process. There's a world of difference in giving important information about yourself and not taking responsiblity for your behavior during that time.

Like DS, I like your plan. I may have missed this but I'm wondering if you knew, even slightly, the BS.


Posts: 298 | Registered: Mar 2010
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Query, I'm sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how terrible it must be.

I'm trying to be as tactful as humanly possible from this point forward.

As to your actual question, I think you should leave this alone.

I'm having an incredibly hard time believing you are trying to let the W know for any altruistic reason. That is my gut sense judging by what you've written.

You come across as a very bright lady. I'm a wee bit skeptical that you were manipulated into an A, as if you had little choice in the matter. I don't see you taking much responsibility for your actions.

I do see you placing most of the blame on him. This is why I think you have some other motivating factor about telling his W. I'm not about to arm chair shrink about what it actually is, but I really don't think it's for the reasons you've stated.

Perhaps MM was predatory, perhaps not. You both chose to indulge your feelings, regardless of who it hurt. Placing the blame on him isn't helping YOU any.

It seems to me if you were truly remorseful, you'd not inflict any more damage to his BW. I think if you are really going to do this, YOU should be the one to speak to her. Not have someone else take the fall, and conveniently, cover your butt in the process.

Just my opinion, and again, I hope that I didn't come across as being disrespectful, that isn't my intent.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 730 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
query
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Member # 41164
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to think on all this. I am leaning towards following my plan. Telling, at least trying to tell, seems the right thing to do. If I do, I've decided to preemptively tell my parents. As I said, we've all been through hell, are still going through hell, and I know they will understand if I explain it to them fully. They were very worried about me but were also consumed with their own grief. There is no perfect way to get through this.

Vulcanized I risk nothing if I don't tell. I gain nothing but risk if I do tell. I absolutely do not him to contact me ever again. He has left me alone since I moved thus far. I bear no animosity toward his wife. I never met her or even saw a picture of her. I am truly sorry that I had an affair with her husband. As I have said, the question I'm struggling with is whether or not to tell her.

I appreciate the advice re my vulnerability in the future. I was overcome with guilt, unfounded but very real, that I wasn't there, that if I had been maybe it wouldn't have happened. I still struggle with this but my support group and the friends I have made has been a huge help. At least I know I'm not alone with these feelings. I never remotely found myself in such a situation before. It's not something I ever could've even have imagined doing. As I said, the grief, guilt at not being there and isolation put me in a very dark place, a place I'd never been before and hope never to be again. Every day without her is still a struggle but I'm not drowning any more. I'm surviving.


Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2013
Simple
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Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the plan to tell via a friend from the grief group with hard evidence showing the BW would be a good idea. What the BW does about that or what she thinks of you is none of your concern. You certainly have done your part and is now working on bettering yourself.

Regarding predatory WHs, mine was one and at the same time also had a predatory OW. He had multiple OW and some of them didn't know he was married while some knew and deliberately were working hard to have him divorce me, even pretending to be pregnant. Funny thing is I pity them all. Then promptly ignored them and place the whole blame on my FWS. Told him just what kind of a person he truly is and why he would think he deserves me. He couldn't blame shift from there cause everytime he tries to semi-blame OW or have me hate her, I turn it all the way around back to him. I guess I'm different BW than most you've read about in that situation cause I had no problem blaming my FWS fully as I felt he needed to earn my love and am not afraid of loosing my love for him after the HB phase. Hard work on both sides 6 year later and we're stronger than ever.

I'm sure you'll get to that point too as a stronger person with clear boundaries now that you know what you're capable of. Awareness of oneself is the key.

Hugs your way.

[This message edited by Simple at 5:18 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
query
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Member # 41164
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also want to say that I am blaming him whilst not taking responsibility myself. It is possible to both take responsibility and acknowledge other realities such as my mental state and his behavior towards me. I was in one on one therapy for an hour twice a week. My therapist was not the sort to let me make excuses, but she also helped me understand how he had preyed on me when I was in the worst mental state I'd ever been in. That's reality too. He did that. It is very clear to me now.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2013
query
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Member # 41164
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I meant to say I am NOT just blaming him and not taking responsibility myself.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2013
query
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Member # 41164
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should I have my friend tell her I am willing to speak to her on the phone if she has questions? Or should I simply have my friend give her the evidence if she wants it with the clear understanding that she does not have permission to contact me? Obviously, I'd prefer the latter but given vulcanized comments, maybe I should make myself available to her?

Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2013
Dreamland
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Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is quite disturbing... I think you have NO NO rights to interfere with the BS... This is not your concern. You are being vindictive. If you do have your friend tell her He will tell his wive you are the pyschopath who seduced him and kept coming on to him in hopes of advancing your career etc.. If so you deserve it.. I hope you just let go and forget about him..


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Query
I am trying to be helpful since I know how I reacted.. Let me tell you what happened..
So I work at ExxonMobile. He at Shell..she at BP.. All in engineering. We all know each other and she's is single like you... So once I found out about the A. I sent emails to hers, his and my companies and all the wives I know. Guess what happened. My H gets promoted.. I got promoted... Since once I ousted the OW some others came out saying she had affairs with them too.. So the OW get sent offsite and basically all the lowlifes start coming onto her because she's perceived to be easy.. Fast forward to today she's out of a job... She couldn't take it and she came back. Saw her at a fund raiser a couple of weeks back.. She was all alone and we were looking at her and laughing. She left.
So it can go bad...if his wife is anything like me.. Be let sleeping dogs lie.. If you were married and he wouldn't leave you alone and he kept hounding you that would be one thing. But it's over. Tell him NC and if he bothers you. You will tell his wife.. He will leave you alone for sure..


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamland...

This thread seems to be triggering you, it may be a good time for you to step back from it.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196482 | Registered: May 2002
query
♀ New Member
Member # 41164
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no contact with him. I want no contact with him. It is absolutely the last thing I want. I want to put this behind me. The easy thing would be to not tell her, but I've been troubled, very troubled, about whether or not to tell his wife. My friend from my grief support group suggested I come to this board. Her husband betrayed her. It was very painful but they are still together and working on their marriage. She didn't judge me about what happened. Perhaps our bond in our grief support group made her more understanding of what can happen in such situations. Her husband cheated in the wake of the death of a child. This is not uncommon. The only reason I am here is because she suggested I might receive some insight that would help me make this decision.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2013
StrongerOne
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Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Query,
Your plan to have your friend help you is a good one. You do not strike me as being vindictive. And frankly, even if you were, the BW deserves to know the truth.

I'm a BW myself. To this day I wish that someone at my H's workplace had had the kindness or courage to let me know what was going on.

Good luck to you.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 841 | Registered: Sep 2012
query
♀ New Member
Member # 41164
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to think on this for a few days. I have decided to tell my parents this weekend. We are very close. I want them to know what happened. I also want their advice. I know they will understand. I should've told them sooner.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2013
RippedSoul
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Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. I can not imagine a "good" way to find out about a WS's affair. That said, information is powerful. As much as I empathize with the OW's BH, I resent that he didn't bother to let me know what he found out when he found it out. My SAWH acted out when his AP dropped him, had sex with a prostitute (a first), then hired 2 escorts (back to back nights) while on a business trip. Although I can never be certain, there's this thought in the back of my mind that that could've been prevented had I known. Beyond that, it empowered me to know. I had a right to know what was happening in my own marriage. So does this BW--whether she believes you or not. She has a right to know. Period.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 400 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 53
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