After a lot of thought and reading other people's stories, I've come to the conclusion that we BSs don't even factor into the equation. Our WSs don't do it to hurt us, they just do it for the instant gratification. There is something that they are lacking, and they think the A will fill that hole. They do not think of the consequences, and a lot don't even accept responsibility for their actions. Of course those are two words my STBXH does not understand, "responsibility" and "consequences".
Of course, we are the ones who are devastated when D-Day comes. My STBXH didn't realize just how much trouble he was in with me until I literally collapsed in front of him after finding out he slept with my BFF. I think he was shocked at how hurt I was. He literally said "It was just sex, she meant nothing to me," oblivious to the fact that it just made it worse.
Be prepared for your WS to try to shift the blame for their A onto you, the BS. Be prepared for them to rewrite the marital history to try to justify their actions. It's just the last act of a person desperately trying to avoid facing responsibility or consequences (there are those two words again).
Remember, the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. That is what hurts me the most about STBXH's infidelity. He just didn't care.
I think an A really has everything to do with the actual people conducting it...end of story.
I searched for months for the anger, the hate, the abuse I caused my wife that drove her to her A.....I never found it. Months of counseling has revealed it simply is not there to be found.
I know this is a crazy concept....and it still boggles my mind....but it is apparently true.
Peace to us all.
At that time I was relating *his* A to *me*, when it was all on him the whole time and had nothing to do with me at all. It had everything to do with him, his weakness, his lack of morals, his huge ego tripping, his self-entitlement issues, his NPD...HIS lacking.
[This message edited by struggling16 at 1:01 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]
Always, tell the other BS! Always!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!