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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Keep or throw away past memories
weski
♀ New Member
Member # 41178
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have mine put away and have no idea if I will ever pull them out again-I wanted to destroy everything but held back- someday I will bring them out or throw them away-I have not decided which. I do not wear my wedding rings-I bought myself a band that I now wear-

Posts: 1 | Registered: Oct 2013
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kept mine. I am pretty firmly in the camp of they took a lot from me, but my happy is my happy. My good memories were authentic to me at least. If you aren't sure, put things away until you are.

And to echo soconfusednow, My WHs parents had an acrimonious divorce, but he still cherishes a picture from their wedding day. There was hope and promise there. But his brother had to pull some strings to get that picture.

Take care. The pain will lessen with time, regardless to which route you take.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1477 | Registered: Dec 2011
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me. Memories of past good times with WW are tinted or shaded with the knowledge of her LTA. My memories are broken into groups. Before LTA. During LTA. and After LTA.

The before group I look at with regret because I find myself wishing I could some how warn that younger me of what was to come. And point out the many warning signs.

The during group I feel pain when I look at or think of them. Everything in that time was a lie. My happiness was based on being lied to. Had I known the truth then I would not have been happy. So much was going on under my very nose. OM even came and visited us and stayed at our home for a week. I thought he was just a friend and I wanted WW to be happy so I was supportive of her friend and drove them around to the local sites. I feel pain because I was so stupid. My intuition was SCREAMING at me and yet I refused to believe. WW was lying to me but during this time I was betraying myself by lying to myself.

The after group is shadowed by what came before. Everything is tarnished now.

I think its impossible to forget memories like this. Our brains just wont allow it. Putting away old pictures and such just keeps the reminders at bay. The memories are there though whether the reminder is there or not.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3360 | Registered: Sep 2007
Reality
♀ Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Put everything that bothers you in a box. Keep it out of sight. Let time go by. It's hard to make decisions that can't be undone when events are still in motion. The intrinsic value of an item changes drastically as circumstances change. It means something (good or bad) to you now. It may something different later.

Every so often I run into items I deliberately put aside from my XWH. Some I keep out of respect for his mom, that I feel for her situation, having to see what her son was capable of. I know that the items were precious to her. I know that giving them back will cause her more grief. So they sit in an unused file.

Let time clarify it for you.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pack them away and put them in the attic or garage and forget about them for a while.

When the dust has settled, and you are in a good place, you may see things differently.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
catatonic
Member
Member # 40758
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you,
A lot to process and think about. It is very reassuring to hear others perspectives, when you are feeling in a way you never felt before.
Tonight is difficult, Halloween, we have always thrown good parties for the kids. Makes my" skin crawl" now knowing what was going on during past Halloweens

Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2013
sad12008
♀ Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stow the stuff away. It may be for years; however, you can't get stuff back if you get rid of it. In a box in the way back of the closet is as good as gone in terms of 'out of sight, out of mind'. It took a very long time for me to be able to look at our photo albums without feeling like someone was holding a hot knife against a raw wound; however, despite it once seeming like a long-shot, I can now.

Likewise, I'm glad I didn't burn my wedding dress as I considered doing at one point. (I do NOT regret burning the defiled couch, however.)

Give yourself the gift of time; pack the stuff away.

[This message edited by sad12008 at 8:45 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]


"Everybody's life is hard. You look at life, and it's not a cakewalk. You've got to be able to bounce back." --Neil Young, father to two children with CP, another with epilepsy, and otherwise experientially qualified to comment

Posts: 3853 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Arnold01
♀ Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These responses are great. I struggle with the same thing. All the gifts she gave my husband were thrown out early on after NC was established, and I deleted all of the photos of her. Our kids were friends so there were a LOT of pictures of school, playdates, etc. that included her.

My struggle has been what to do with the rest of the pictures of my kids from during the A. My daughter's birthday party, for example, included MOW's children, and I now know that my H was texting MOW the entire time. So when I see the picture of my beautiful little girl blowing out her candles, all I have are terrible associations with the A.

It feels so selfish of me to delete pictures of my own kids - so I haven't - but I sure hope that someday I can look back on these family activities fondly. Just another thing that the A stole from me.

Glad to know that I'm not alone.


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jul 2013
Undone1
♀ Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the most difficult issue in terms of dealing with the A. My fWH has many positive thoughts about our past, but, I can only think of the deception and lies that went along with any of those 4 years. It's all tainted to me. Further, our wedding day is tainted since the vows he took were not kept.

Even after a year, I cannot look at pictures of the two of us or our family without thinking of the A. Those memories of romantic trips are ruined for me...possibly forever. I don't know.

My fWH and I are going to see our MC next week in order to discuss this very issue. In another thread, I asked how we can have such different perspectives on this topic. I don't understand why he doesn't look at pictures from that time and see his smile as a lie, or that person as a lier and a cheater.

I totally get how others feel and that they can re-claim their happiest memories, but I am just not there yet.


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
catatonic
Member
Member # 40758
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Undone1,
It has been awhile since your last reply. I can only get on SI when I get that private moment for myself.
I would like to hear what your MC said about this. It sounds as if your WH feels the same as my WH. And I am trying to figure all of that out. Also have brought it up in our MC also. My WH will look at those memories and say he wanted to be with me and it was special times. He understands my feelings, but is upset I want to get rid of that time. For instance on one weekend trip with our kids, we found a cute little coffee house in town. We on thus trip finally got to the point we could leave kids sleeping( because if their ages) walk in together to get a coffee. We held hands , hugged . Shared how we felt being together having a coffee , and not having to cater to kids. As we drive out if town we both waved goodbye to our nice slobs mornings at that shop. It was one if the first things I thought about the night Of DDay, today after church we walked in a coffee shop in our town that just opened. My chest began to hurt . I remembered our vacation. WH says, I was with you and wanted to be with those mornings . I remember how nice it was . I wasn't thinking if her. I never felt that way with OW, it was just S..,
But how can u be in that moment and then a week later or before have S.. With OW in your office. Ouch

Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2013
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH does not even remember the vast majority of our marriage. He looks at pictures of our kids when they were little and cries. Bc he cannot remember that time. He was always elsewhere in his head.

So, I guess my point is that these are MY memories. And I want to keep them, despite the fact that I may have been married to a person who was, at the time, an idiot.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Patchy
♀ Member
Member # 39228
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the answer is different for everyone. Depends on how long you were together before the A, how long the A was and issues that lead to it.

For me, the A was about 6 months. I have gotten rid of most photos that he's in or bring bad memories. I deleted a family photo taken during the A, but when I needed photos for my daighter's graduation, I ended up asking for it off his computer because it was a good recent one. It's hard though. I want to enjoy looking at that photo because its my "family", my awesome kids and all. And yet it's just a memory of what he was doing to me that very day.

As for wedding photos, that's harder. We had a good wedding day and many good years following, so I don't want to get rid of those and there are many great photos that I'll ways keep. But just yesterday I was doing some redecorating and moving framed photos around and getting rid of some. And I did go through the thoughts of "just get rid of it all cause its all in the yucky past". But I didn't.

As for gifts, my second Dday was Christmas Day, so everything he gave me that day is tainted. And yet most if it is something I either specifically chose and sent him a link to, or bought and gave him to wrap. . I did recently physically destroy the jewelry chest he gave me for Christmas (that I chose). I tried to get last the triggers but couldn't. I seem to have lost the earrings I finally decided to get rid of. If I ever find them, they're gone.

I think only you can really answer this question for you. I wouldn't do anything too drastic too soon though. I lived with the jewelry chest that I loved for 9 months before deciding it just wasn't worth it.


Me BS 44
Him FWS 45
Married 23 Years
DDay 1 July 2012
DDay 2 Christmas Day 2013 same woman
EA with kissing, very strong bond and talk of leaving spouses for each other.

Posts: 93 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 32
Pages: 1 · 2

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