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Newest Member: TryingToReform (45458)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Adultery and children.
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks jack. Good advice


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 100% on board with Jack. Glad to read that.

I also like the family time breakdown that someone else posted.

Wow. We spend so much time together right now....I guess it needs to be slowed down then meaning - more quality in the quantity!

You are a good man, blakesteele.

[This message edited by LA44 at 12:40 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You just need to engage directly as someone posted above, and provide reassurance and teach them confidence, not look at it through the lens of the affair damage IMO.

Applause!! Agreed.

It's that "though the lens of the affair damage" that bears noting:

I have gone to their school and had lunch with them...though recently my youngest accepted my offer to have lunch with her at school, my eldest declined politely....I think some of that has to do with her maturing....getting to that point where it is not really that fun to have your Dad hang with you while around a group of your peers.

Blakesteele, I know that your kid's school (OM's presence) was a huge trigger for you. Just be clear in your own heart about your *motives* for school-time.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks ladies-first. I believe my motives are pure with regards to my making lunch dates with our girls.....I did this pre-A so believe it is done out of pure motive.

But I think I get your point. Believe me..... Motive investigation is a very worthwhile technique to process and grow . My IC sessions dealt with motive investigation intently.

I am familiar with a persons ability to mask impure motives via more noble but false ones. My pre-A marriage had these sprinkled throughout.....again, IC sessions helped me recognize how I did that.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:17 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, based subsequent information ...

Our eldest is very aware of where we physically are...she will hurry to get her shoes on to join us for a walk, want to know exactly which yard (back, side or front) I will be in when I tell her I am going out to mow, then is followed up by a request by her Can You Tell Me If You Go Somewhere Else? I have tears in my eyes as I write this!

The next time your Daddy-alarm goes off, why not just casually ask her what's beyond her request. Just listen.

Just be present. Listen. Look for a pattern in her responses.

If it's not a solo chore, like mowing, ask DD9 to help.

That 5LL for children test may be helpful, too.

Good luck with communication. Just do your best every day, right?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blakesteele

I would say your 9 year old knows who and where. Hint she doesn't want you at school. Just my guess.
I remember at 9 I knew everything going on in my house. Everything.

I think you can reassure the girls the next time they get upset. Sit them down and tell them you and mommy are ok. That there is always going to be something that grown ups have to talk about to take care of. That is part of being grown ups. It is good for children to see parents working together to solve a problem.
Then when they get older they will see you 2 worked together as one!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Reegz
♂ New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Blake and everyone else. I'm in a similar situation with my WW and 2 girls - although significantly younger at 4 and 2. Unfortunately we can't totally protect them from being screwed up and you've acknowledged this.

We will communicate this to them when they are older so they can learn from this. But we've got such a long time until this happens. Thank you for showing me what this future scenario could look like.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Children are intuitive. I believe you can try to hide it, but they know (at different levels because of age), but as we found out, they know. Way more that we could have imagined.
We were stunned.

It caused huge anxiety, especially for our DD15, until it came out of her finally. We felt terrible, but were able to deal with it swiftly.

Now that's it's all out, we can, all 6 of us, heal and teach what is healthy going forward. Honesty, truth, forgiveness, what real love is, all of it. We can teach the right lessons to the kids by honest example.

Out of all this crap, comes a gift.

I wish there was SI for kids. Like it or not, they know. But not how to talk about it and their fears. And they run probably as deep as ours while dealing with this.

We have each other & SI. Children keep the fear tightly protected.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 888 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just looking for advice. Should we tell our 12 and 15 year olds. I think they've had enough to deal with regarding their fathers illness. He has dipped in and out of their lives for years but is engaging now. I worry that this secret is really bad for them though.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
storm77
♀ Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this is help...but here goes.
I have a 3 yo and a 10yo. My WH did not want to tell them anything. Meanwhile I am crying at the drop of a hat. Angry at my H for what he has done to our family. My 10 yo old daughter was very angry with me. At first I told her that daddy did something that really hurt mommy. Her reaction after a while was get over it...hurt feeling are not that bad..ignore it. One day she then asked if daddy had cheated on mommy! I wanted to die...and kill him for her even having such a thought. I told her it was something she could ask her dad. Usually I just answer any question she has with honesty. My H did not answer her...but he did tell her she might have a sister. She was completely confused and uncertain.
Our pastor always advised us to tell her. He is a BS and his daughter are now adults. They let him know that they knew what was going on and just pretended otherwise. My H was totally against this.
A few weeks later after daughter constantly having a attitude with me..being very angry and lashing out at me I sat her down and asked how she was feeling. I had done this before and she would say it was something at school etc. This time she said said what is going on. I honestly just told her everything...at a 10 yo level. She looked relieved. Not happy....but I could see that she just wanted to know why things were tense and I was crying. She asked questions and I answered them honestly. He biggest concern was if we were no longer a family...if daddy had another family... and if she had to see the other child. I just let her know that regardless of what happens we are always a family. Right now we are not going anywhere. Daddy does not have another family
She does not have to see OC if she does not want to. This part seems to give her the most anxiety. We also had another talk like this with my H present. He was uncomfortable, but making our daughter feel better was what was important. I have encouraged her to express her feeling through her journal, pictures, letters to us, and verbally. I have gotten some really


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
storm77
♀ Member
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this is help...but here goes.
I have a 3 yo and a 10yo. My WH did not want to tell them anything. Meanwhile I am crying at the drop of a hat. Angry at my H for what he has done to our family. My 10 yo old daughter was very angry with me. At first I told her that daddy did something that really hurt mommy. Her reaction after a while was get over it...hurt feeling are not that bad..ignore it. One day she then asked if daddy had cheated on mommy! I wanted to die...and kill him for her even having such a thought. I told her it was something she could ask her dad. Usually I just answer any question she has with honesty. My H did not answer her...but he did tell her she might have a sister. She was completely confused and uncertain.
Our pastor always advised us to tell her. He is a BS and his daughter are now adults. They let him know that they knew what was going on and just pretended otherwise. My H was totally against this.
A few weeks later after daughter constantly having a attitude with me..being very angry and lashing out at me I sat her down and asked how she was feeling. I had done this before and she would say it was something at school etc. This time she said said what is going on. I honestly just told her everything...at a 10 yo level. She looked relieved. Not happy....but I could see that she just wanted to know why things were tense and I was crying. She asked questions and I answered them honestly. He biggest concern was if we were no longer a family...if daddy had another family... and if she had to see the other child. I just let her know that regardless of what happens we are always a family. Right now we are not going anywhere. Daddy does not have another family
She does not have to see OC if she does not want to. This part seems to give her the most anxiety. We also had another talk like this with my H present. He was uncomfortable, but making our daughter feel better was what was important. I have encouraged her to express her feeling through her journal, pictures, letters to us, and verbally. I have gotten some really interesting and heartbreaking letters .
One day I will post them with her permission.
I have let her know that what we are going through is not unique. We did not do anything to deserve this. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. We have to learn how to deal with it and our pain in constructive ways. Basically we don't want to make bad choices because we are hurt.
On a side note my stepfather cheated on my mom and I got to be the lucky one to tell her. They never talked about it and pretended it did not happen. To this day I wish they had sat me down and said something...anything about what was happening. The pain of keeping all that inside and basically watching them live a lie was horrible. Sorry post was so long.


Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pretty sure our daughters dont know about my wifes A...I have taken them to school and picked them up...no anxiety at all about me doing this shown by either of them....and wifes AP has been around....so that is good....for now. My wife takes and picks them up every day...no issues or signs of anxiety there either. I pray I am correct.

Her AP has 5 children, including some boys that are reaching or into puberty age....this concerns me because I remember that stage in my life...could react very strongly to stress. Unfortunately for us, her AP is onto another woman. I say this is unforunate as this increases the stress in his family, continues to hurt his kids, and increases the chance of one of his kids reaching their breaking point. It appears to me to be logical that a kids response would be to lash out at any one else but his parents....my wife or our girls seem a high-value target for releasing the negative energy his adultery is bringing into his family.

We also live in a small town and the news of my wifes A is around, at least a little bit.

So...this sucks. But worrying about something I cant control is worthless. I am doing well to run on the fumes I am running on right now.

That is why I like Jacks advice...be present and attentive to our daughters....be truthful in an age appropriate way.

I do pray I mature fast enough so that if and when one of my daughters has a boyfriend that cheats on her I react in a equal manner to that hurt....not over-the-top. I dont want to project the pain and trauma of adultery in marriage to the pain of school-hood relationships gone bad.

Curious, my wife never had one of those "childhood pains". It appears to me that her A mimics very closely that type of passionate yet shallow relationship most experience in high school. I guess a persons age has little bearing on their desires.

NOTE: I like the idea of encouraging our girls to journal too.

God be with all of us.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:18 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
bunni972
♀ Member
Member # 33690
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH is adamant about our boys not knowing the details of why we are having problems. They know that we have gone to counseling in the past and they know that we are going now but they do not know why. My sister-in-laws tried to convince me to tell them what happened but again my FWH insists that we don't. The boys are 20 & 17. I just think they might be angry with their dad and that is the last thing we need during the R is two angry semi-adults walking around the house. Has anyone ever told their older children about the A?


ME: BS 40
HIM: FWH 41
2 boys: 20, 17
DDay #1: October 17th 2011 (A w/ co-worker & visit with 2 "working girls"
DDay #2: September 20th 2013(A w/ girl from Craigslist. Had sex multiple times with 2 women he found on Ashley Madison.
Not s

Posts: 99 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: West Frankfort, IL
Topic Posts: 33
Pages: 1 · 2

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