I also like the family time breakdown that someone else posted.
Wow. We spend so much time together right now....I guess it needs to be slowed down then meaning - more quality in the quantity!
You are a good man, blakesteele.
[This message edited by LA44 at 12:40 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]
You just need to engage directly as someone posted above, and provide reassurance and teach them confidence, not look at it through the lens of the affair damage IMO.
It's that "though the lens of the affair damage" that bears noting:
I have gone to their school and had lunch with them...though recently my youngest accepted my offer to have lunch with her at school, my eldest declined politely....I think some of that has to do with her maturing....getting to that point where it is not really that fun to have your Dad hang with you while around a group of your peers.
But I think I get your point. Believe me..... Motive investigation is a very worthwhile technique to process and grow . My IC sessions dealt with motive investigation intently.
I am familiar with a persons ability to mask impure motives via more noble but false ones. My pre-A marriage had these sprinkled throughout.....again, IC sessions helped me recognize how I did that.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:17 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]
Our eldest is very aware of where we physically are...she will hurry to get her shoes on to join us for a walk, want to know exactly which yard (back, side or front) I will be in when I tell her I am going out to mow, then is followed up by a request by her Can You Tell Me If You Go Somewhere Else? I have tears in my eyes as I write this!
Just be present. Listen. Look for a pattern in her responses.
If it's not a solo chore, like mowing, ask DD9 to help.
That 5LL for children test may be helpful, too.
Good luck with communication. Just do your best every day, right?
I would say your 9 year old knows who and where. Hint she doesn't want you at school. Just my guess.
I remember at 9 I knew everything going on in my house. Everything.
I think you can reassure the girls the next time they get upset. Sit them down and tell them you and mommy are ok. That there is always going to be something that grown ups have to talk about to take care of. That is part of being grown ups. It is good for children to see parents working together to solve a problem.
Then when they get older they will see you 2 worked together as one!
We will communicate this to them when they are older so they can learn from this. But we've got such a long time until this happens. Thank you for showing me what this future scenario could look like.
It caused huge anxiety, especially for our DD15, until it came out of her finally. We felt terrible, but were able to deal with it swiftly.
Now that's it's all out, we can, all 6 of us, heal and teach what is healthy going forward. Honesty, truth, forgiveness, what real love is, all of it. We can teach the right lessons to the kids by honest example.
Out of all this crap, comes a gift.
I wish there was SI for kids. Like it or not, they know. But not how to talk about it and their fears. And they run probably as deep as ours while dealing with this.
We have each other & SI. Children keep the fear tightly protected.
Always, tell the other BS! Always!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
Her AP has 5 children, including some boys that are reaching or into puberty age....this concerns me because I remember that stage in my life...could react very strongly to stress. Unfortunately for us, her AP is onto another woman. I say this is unforunate as this increases the stress in his family, continues to hurt his kids, and increases the chance of one of his kids reaching their breaking point. It appears to me to be logical that a kids response would be to lash out at any one else but his parents....my wife or our girls seem a high-value target for releasing the negative energy his adultery is bringing into his family.
We also live in a small town and the news of my wifes A is around, at least a little bit.
So...this sucks. But worrying about something I cant control is worthless. I am doing well to run on the fumes I am running on right now.
That is why I like Jacks advice...be present and attentive to our daughters....be truthful in an age appropriate way.
I do pray I mature fast enough so that if and when one of my daughters has a boyfriend that cheats on her I react in a equal manner to that hurt....not over-the-top. I dont want to project the pain and trauma of adultery in marriage to the pain of school-hood relationships gone bad.
Curious, my wife never had one of those "childhood pains". It appears to me that her A mimics very closely that type of passionate yet shallow relationship most experience in high school. I guess a persons age has little bearing on their desires.
NOTE: I like the idea of encouraging our girls to journal too.
God be with all of us.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:18 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]