Since I have no one to talk to yet, I need tell this to someone. I guess I'll start with a little background and then DDay. We are married now 5 yrs, together for 10. Have a beautiful and smart 16 mo old and I am currently 5 mo pregnant. Both working full-time, he worked his way up just his summer to high level position over the course of our relationship, no degree, this point is something to note. DDay: Officially, 9-28-13. It's still fresh. I say official because that's not technically when I discovered, but it was when I confirmed and confronted my WH of an EA. There wasn't any one thing or moment that made me suspicious, I guess just subtle behavior changes, shortness, easily aggravated, what I thought to be extensive and sometimes secretive phone use, a major blow up towards my family, that prompted some talking, yet nothing. One day, I decided to look at his personal phone (he has a business one too), and I clicked on text to a friend. Partly because his friend is a serial cheater, I've been hearing that saga for as long as we have been a couple. Partly curious about that, but not entirely expecting a confession on my WH behalf. In the message which was bittersweet, he said to his friend that he (the friend) has loved another woman for years and it won't change, that he'll just keep breaking his wife's heart. the next sentence. "I'm happy I stopped messing with "Ow"". "I didn't get that bad" Talk about a shock. Not only did he admit to something, I didn't know what at the time, but I knew who it was, and I didn't know how to take the message. Did he come to his senses, was it over? The OW, is his assistant. So complicated.
I didn't say anything, a few days later I snooped again and I found a heart wrenching exchange between WH and OW. There was clearly some tension, but it clearly not over. I don't thin she is married but in a long relationship that involves children, her BH, also works at the company. More complicated. I barely managed to read the messages and he came walking in. He could see it on my face. I just told him I read something I didn't like. He admitted to it, and said he was hoping I would find out. He was too embarrassed to tell me. I don't doubt that, he has some serious insecurities, mostly from his upbringing, that I had asked before if he would go to IC to work through. It still hurt that he couldn't tell me. We talked, I cried, he was almost emotionless. I didn't know how to read him. I have seen him cry before. He said he was wrong, but it wasn't until later that he admitted he cheated and had an affair. I had to explain to him that even though there was nothing physical, he said he loved another woman, and that hurt just as much maybe more so. He said it was about 3 months. He said it was over. The last few weeks are starting to blur. I can't talk to anyone, I don't want there to be biased if we can R. Over the last few weeks I became increasingly paranoid, he was sort of open about his phone and messages for a little while, but the more I found, the more I prodded the worse it got and the more he pulled away. I still look when I can, but I am pretty certain he is attempting to cover his tracks, if any, anyway. He wants to see a MC, which is hopeful, I to some extent agreed to "cool it" with the questions until then, because he has a hard time talking about it. The appt. is in less than 2 weeks and I can not wait. I cry at some point everyday, but I remind myself I need to take care of myself. I just so angry at times, I get angry that this could affect my daughter, I hate that her father could be so selfish, weak and a coward.
I asked if the OW could be transferred, he said no, he is extremely afraid of a harassment issue and losing his job. I have looked, there is not much out there for him, he is gaining experience but with no degree, it would be a significant financial hit, and we are just stabilizing ourselves. NC is something I mentioned, which is not totally possible, but he isn't grasping the boundaries he can place, or and what I suspect, isn't willing to. I'm hoping the MC can help him here. I tried to get him to read a article written by a WH about understanding what a BS is dealing with, he read it, but Didn't get it, I don't think. I did manage to get him to read most of 5 love languages. I felt that it was the least likely to provoke a conversation directly about the A, but to get him thinking.
Surprisingly, I see him trying to implement what he learned. I just can't seem to get it out of my head that he is not fully out of the A, or possible searching for "excitement" as he called it elsewhere. OUr 5 yr anniv. was last week, what a rough week. I wished so hard he would show me something extra and nothing, a simple card that said I love you. Really!!??!! I just want to get the counseling and confront this once and for all. I hope. So I can decide what my future holds. I ordered the book Not just friends, I cannot wait for it to arrive, I am really hoping it will help me cope in the coming days. I am reading all that I can about every side of this situation. Preparing to do a 180, if required, I have not committed to it completely until I know if R or D is the path I'm headed. Knowing his personality and upbringing, even a presumed cold shoulder will create spite with him, I have seen him do it to others. A poor coping mechanism he has developed growing up I'm sure.
I just hate this rollercoaster. I wish I could see around the corner.
Knowing the details doesn't always make you feel satisfied. In my case, it just made me want to burn a perfectly good couch!
Part of my fear is that he is not leaving me is because he loves his daughter, knows I'm pregnant, though it's not like this is reducing my stress, and to save face.
I think when it come to exposure, I want to do it carefully. My family is very much around, and though I think if I wanted to R, they would support me, but I cannot deal right now with them pushing me to D, which is know is a common reaction. I want to make that decision for myself.
He has been really trying the past few days, really going out of his way to contact me and do things he knows I would appreciate. He has left his phones out in the open (though I think he knows he would never leave an evidence anyway), and this is making it really hard on me. I know he says he loves me, wants to work on this, he says he knows he would never find better, that the A was excitement when our marriage had lost that, and I see very slow progress, but its only half comforting. Comforting in the sense that he didn't walk out, that there is a glimmer of hope. But can there be hope if I have no trust. none right now.
[This message edited by Bamzor at 10:18 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]
If they work together, it probably hasn't. You don't just get over an EA so easy. Remember they were emotionally attached so they are probably just covering their tracks & will go underground unless you get tough.
You call the shots now, not your BH & if he were really over the EA & truly ended it, he wouldnt mind answering your ?'s.
I am so sorry you are here but it is a great place to be in the circumstances.
Hugs to you & babies.