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Newest Member: Doubleblame (44588)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: he wants me back...of course he does..
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I am so sorry. I know I would have done ANYTHING if my stbx said that he wanted his family back after dday. If he had an ounce of remorse.

Like your name states, you do deserve better. Much much better. I wish I could buy a bottle of strength for you and mail it but all I can do is send it through this post. !!!!!STRENGTH!!!!!

You asked, "Why don't i just tell him to suck it up??" You're right ~ why don't you?


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2138 | Registered: Oct 2012
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is called Hoovering and it is very, very common.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828

I fell for it hook, like and sinker. I mean, dude was suicidal. Crying so hard. On his knees begging. Wailing like a banshee. OF COURSE that had to be remorse, right?

Nope. Not even close. He was just looking for a bandaid. Unfortunately for him this bandaid came with a little too much sting.

He found a cheap bandaid pretty quickly.

20 weeks after S, after a 3m False R of solid "I'll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes", many many late nights talking ad nauseum about everything under the sun....

20 weeks after S this 40 y/o loser announces he is ready to introduce his 24 y/o office gopher, prior OW (I didn't really suspect her - I trusted her taste more than I trusted his fidelity).

Ignore his pretty words. Keep up STRICT NC. DO NOT GET SUCKED IN.

If he really does have true remorse then he will continue to do the work on himself whether or not you maintain strict NC. If he does have true remorse the changes in him will last a lifetime.

Right now he is buttering you up, sucking up and begging/pleading. If you do get sucked in he will resent you for making him beg.

Nothing has changed except his strategy.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5527 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ideservebetter45
♀ Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow.. you guys are awesome! Yes..he is feeling sorry for himself. .yes..he would do it again. .yes.. the sparks obviously going out w OW..I'm better than this! I do deserve better! He thought she was his "angel"..screw him! He caused me and my beautiful girl sooo much pain..no crying today! U guys are the best! Thank you♡

Posts: 149 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he really does have true remorse then he will continue to do the work on himself whether or not you maintain strict NC. If he does have true remorse the changes in him will last a lifetime.


Yes, I remember someone on here saying they continued to live their own life and they watched the WS and the WS went into counseling without being told, and worked on himself FOR himself and the couple actually got back together.

I think your WS sounds like an alcoholic does after they have been arrested, paid the fines, etc. They SAY they arent' going to drink again, but they DO NOTHING to make sure that doesn't happen again.

Stay strong, 180, continue to make a good life for your daughter and you, and NC with XWS. You can always glance over at him and see if his actions match the crap he's handing out to you...

I also said that the way my WS treated me AFTER DDAY was the reason I'd never go back with him....Someone who could be that cruel to me when I was at my lowest low has something wrong with them,,, and it's way beyond my power to fix them. I also could not (and my children don't deserve) to have to go thru another DDAY.

Write down all the things he did bad to you, and read it when you THINK you might want to get back with him....


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2028 | Registered: Jan 2012
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STBX has only done this to me when things weren't going so great in fantasyland.

My guess is your ex didn't have an epiphany and break up with OW and decide that he wants to fight for you and his family. My guess is that OW broke up with him, and now he's scared that he will be alone, so he's throwing fishing lines out and seeing what will bite. DON'T BITE!!

They can be so cruel, too. After D-Day, I worried so much about my kids. I thought that I better try to R for them. Him? Not worried at all about the kids, saying that they will be fine, etc.. And then when he tried to hoover me, he would guilt me with the kid excuse. "Don't you want to try for the kids?" OMG, what a bunch of bullshit!! It's really an unfair, dirty fight that they start playing. Like now he's worried about the kids? Bullshit. He's just scared to be alone. Some people just can't handle being single..

As others have said, don't jump back into this right now. The best way to figure out if he really wants you back is to bide your time and see what he does. If he is really dedicated to change, then you will see that.

If he's anything like my STBX, those words were all just manipulation, and you will realize soon enough that you weren't the only fishing line he put out there..

YOU DESERVE BETTER. Wait and see if he really deserves you.

Hugs..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2060 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. This happened to me and it turned out to be a trick.

Be weary.

Tread lightly.

Hold your cards away from a mirror so no one else can see and keep them close at hand...

And I'm sorry for your stress.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 8:10 AM, October 31st (Thursday)]


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2187 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she was his "angel"

Looks like his "angel" grew some horns, eh?

Oh well. Too bad, so sad for him. I'm with the posters who told you to give his "suck it up" line right back to him!

I'm so sorry though that you have to deal with this - you are moving on with your life and he throws this friggin wrench into it.

Hugs,

Lala


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5017 | Registered: May 2007
lost4now
♀ Member
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay NC! My STBXH did this to me as well. Many times! After each dday....he cried, begged, fell on the floor wailing, threw up for days. Each time he promised me the world. He tried to fix things for a little bit, then started back up with the same OW. And she took him back each and every time. This last time 8/2012 I told him after the holidays he could leave. I wanted a divorce. He finally (after 5 years) started going to counseling. On Jan 6 2013 he moved out. Promised the kids he would do everything in his power to "win" me back. He told me even if we did divorce he would continue to fight for me and hoped we could get remarried!! Within 3 weeks he was taking OW out to lunch!!!!!

Really!!!!! You can't make this shit up. He didn't mean any of it. He just didn't. He's one messed up individual. I am so much happier with him out of my life!


BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he has caused you and your daughter too much pain to trust him again. My daughter and I have been through the same deal and SHE is the one that told me to stay away last time. She loves WH of course, but does not want me to get hurt again because it hurts her to see me in pain.

Stay strong.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are those here who have R after D. I am sure that they will all say that there is a HUGE difference between saying he wants you back and being the man who takes action to be the man you deserve. Saying he wants it doesn't mean he will earn R. ��


Me: 45 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 22, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1700 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay NC! My STBXH did this to me as well. Many times! After each dday....he cried, begged, fell on the floor wailing, threw up for days. Each time he promised me the world. He tried to fix things for a little bit, then started back up with the same OW. And she took him back each and every time. This last time 8/2012 I told him after the holidays he could leave. I wanted a divorce. He finally (after 5 years) started going to counseling. On Jan 6 2013 he moved out. Promised the kids he would do everything in his power to "win" me back. He told me even if we did divorce he would continue to fight for me and hoped we could get remarried!! Within 3 weeks he was taking OW out to lunch!!!!!

I could have written this VERBATIM (Except the last line because the Divorce is not final yet, and who knows what he will do).
I know it is tempting to let him creep back into your heart. I have been there a hundred times.
Stop and think about your life. Not the life you had with him, but YOUR LIFE. What you want for yourself.
You.
Deserve.
Better.
Read that. Hear it. Live it.
You.
Deserve.
Better.
You do.
He can just suck it up.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
LAFA
♂ Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To repeat a classic here:
No fishing in this pond.
This pond has no water.
Fuck off.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
Topic Posts: 32
Pages: 1 · 2

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