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Newest Member: Ihateme (45080)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Mourning or Detoxing
AdamsApple
New Member
Member # 39262
Question  Posted: 12:35 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many books and folks on SI have said that a WS should be allowed to mourn loss of their AP, and that they need time to grieve. That always rubbed me the wrong way. Mourning and grieving seems to connote that something valuable or important has been lost. And, for instance; when a person close to you dies, your mourning may subside, but it never completely goes away. So this leads me to infer that when a WS mourns, they may mourn over this indefinitely, and may never get over it. This is not comforting to a BS that wants to feel safe again.


I saw one person on SI describe those feelings as detoxing from their AP. That description makes me, as a BS, feel better and may actually be more accurate. We don't say a Heroin addict is mourning the loss of Heroin (although they probably could), we say they are detoxing.


Since most WSs say, "it could have been anyone," it seems the loss isn't really about the other person. So, the detox metaphor seems more apt and less hurtful to the BS and still allows the WS permission to feel what they need to feel. Anyone else have thoughts on this?


Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Ambergray
♀ Member
Member # 40778
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could not agree more! Mourning implies love, detoxing is all about ridding yourself of poison in your life.


Me-38
WH-38
Dday June 2013

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson


Posts: 93 | Registered: Sep 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree too. They aren't missing the AP. They are missing the feeling they got when with them, that had all to do with themselves...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5069 | Registered: Dec 2010
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree. And it seems to bear out...my H definitely detoxed for a while, but unlike real mourning, he sees the situation for what it was now. So, there is no sadness except for the harm he caused, from what he has told me.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2004 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could not agree more! Mourning implies love, detoxing is all about ridding yourself of poison in your life.

Word.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1877 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen to that.
I mourned the loss of the marriage I thought I had. That was like mourning someone's death.
My WH is detoxing (has detoxed?) from a poison that had invaded his soul. He is purging himself of his horrible state of mind during the A. He is only holding on to them enough so that he doesn't find that slippery slope again. I do believe he does not miss HER- if anything he misses the sense of escape that time with her provided.
We are working together to build a life that he doesn't feel he needs to escape from. That neither of us will feel the need to escape from.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are working together to build a life that he doesn't feel he needs to escape from. That neither of us will feel the need to escape from.

Beautiful.

No matter what you call it, standing by your spouse while s/he detoxes from an AP has got to be a special kind of hell.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1200 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
AdamsApple
New Member
Member # 39262
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm comforted to see that many agree with my assessment. I think that the metaphor one uses can have a lot to do with how they deal with a situation. And I believe the "Mourning" metaphor can inhibit healing and R by exaggerating the value of the AP to both the WS and the BS.

Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 8

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