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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Shutting down
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Frustrated  Posted: 1:27 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you do when you start shutting down in R? It's like I am thinking of what I should do every day. Should I stay, should I leave? I don't know why I cannot just accept that my WH is doing good right now. We are able to discuss the A rationally. I guess I just feel disgusted again. I love this man but I hate him. This cannot be healthy can it? What do you do when you feel like this? I just want to go home and crawl in bed and never wake up. Help!


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not alone! I FEEL EXACTLY the SAME way. It's not comfortable loving/hating the same person pretty much at the same time.

I wish I could answer your question, but one thing I'm doing personally is working on myself and not worrying about what WH is doing anymore. Time will tell, so you do love him, so I suggest just stay with it and see what happens.


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

crazyblindsided,

I hear ya!
Feeling exactly the same way today. Just so sick of all the crap, there just seems to be an endless supply of it.

I wish I knew how to get off this ride.

It is a small,but sad, comfort to know there is some other beautiful soul out there feeling the same way.


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
PhoenixRising88
♀ Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are in my head, I swear...

It hit me like a thunderbolt just the other day, almost two years from DDay #1... OMG My H is my single biggest trigger...How do you deal with that? How do feel love and want to try to stay together and at the same time every time you look at him or he speaks you relive what he did to you??


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 429 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG My H is my single biggest trigger.

Me and my WH just had this conversation yesterday. In fact I was in tears asking him to tell me how to make it go away.

He said to me if I make you this sad, angry and upset why would you still want to be here with me?

I couldn't even answer him


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you're going is a very well traveled part of the years-long rollercoaster.

Don't panic when your outlook feels like it's shifting out of your control. Try to look at the events as they unfold in the moment.

It sounds like you've reached the Plain of Lethal Flatness - right on schedule at just over a year out.

Take the pressure off your shoulders to have an answer. As your anger and incredulity subsides, a kind of depressed acceptance starts to creep in. The good news is that with a FWS that is willing to keep doing the work, there is every chance in the world that you will come out of THIS emotional phase with a new kind of hope.

Don't give up. You're not alone - your feelings sound so very familiar to me and to a lot of other veterans here, I suspect.

Working on yourself is an EXCELLENT way to pass the time as you work towards a better space.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you've reached the Plain of Lethal Flatness - right on schedule at just over a year out.

a kind of depressed acceptance starts to creep in.

Thanks Jrazz what you wrote makes so much sense. Yes I must be in the Plain of Lethal Flatness.

It seems to be bothering my WH quite a bit because he keeps asking me what is wrong and I am just really sad and depressed and just feel like I need to get through it. It obviously comes from what he did and when i bring it up, well I guess he thinks I am torturing myself when it is part of the process. It's making him depressed too. Ugh


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to all...right there with you guys.

Jrazz thanks for chiming in.

This started about a month ago for me.....completely numb last week.

It, like the other new to me emotions , is becoming comfortable. Kind of like $3 a gallon gas....I can remember how shocked I was the first time it took $100 to fill my suburban up....now I don't even blink an eye.

I am hopeful this won't sustain itself like $3 a gallon gas has....but I am okay with it for now.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4013 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
PhoenixRising88
♀ Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said to me if I make you this sad, angry and upset why would you still want to be here with me?

I couldn't even answer him

YEP...We've had the exact same talk, followed by H looking very very scared and saying 'now I'm REALLY worried we won't survive this"....


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 429 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so there. He keeps sending me a text to say he loves me and I have to push myself to remember the good stuff so I can send it back.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Bikingguy
♂ Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At just shy of 10 months I am right there. Indifference is one word I might use, but anger and disguist are still present.

I sort of thought it was my way of dealing with the highs and lows of the roller coaster. WW is doing pretty much everything she can, but I feel like I am holding back more now than I might have in the first few months.

It's that stranger period, where I have nothing new to ask. And even if I did it is likely that she "won't recall". So what's the point? I don't bring it up ofter I as I feel pretty numb to it all.

I do think I am approaching "acceptance" but not that her A accured. Acceptance that this might be as good as it gets.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 675 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acceptance that this might be as good as it gets.

Yeah I wonder this too.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
UKlady
♀ Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! - I keep writing this word today!

Haven't been on SI in quite a while, started a new thread today and find out that it seems I have reached this Plain of Lethal Flatness and now, while I'm browsing through older threads, I find this one and on it people feeling exactly like I am too!!

I don't really know why I even thought that what I was feeling was 'odd' and I'm so glad I cam back to SI today!

((crazyblindsided)) - thank you for starting the thread - your title made me take notice because I've been worried that I've started to do the same, a kind of 'shutting down' but reading others' responses and finding out that this is a pretty normal/common phase has really helped me.


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love this man but I hate him

OMG! I sent this exact text to 4 of my girl posse last night- as we just can't get on the same page about talking....

I'm ready to say: you know what, you are good in bed, you make a shit ton of money, so this will work out. I'll just get a bunch of girlfriends for my emotional support because you are incapable of being there for me.

((CBS))


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5282 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acceptance that this might be as good as it gets.

me too. so sad. dreams crushed.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5282 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 15

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