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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Getting a cat and naming it after OW
inshockandhurt
♀ Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently thought about an idea for removing a trigger, and I am wondering if anyone else has tried this and if it is a good idea. The OW's name is such a huge trigger for me and for my husband. Every time I hear it I trigger and I am sick of it; what's in a name right? She doesn't hold a monopoly on that name and I don't want to allow her to. So I am thinking about getting a pet, a cat or something like it (no dogs) and naming it the same name as the OW, I am hoping it will generalize the trigger for me. Anyone else have any experience with this? If you tried it, did it work, or did you just end up hating the animal? I thought maybe if I chose a cat and learned to love it, even if it had that name, I might break the power that name has over me.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..that is an interesting concept!

..how would your WH respond to it? will it act as a trigger for him as well, in that it would be throwing the name in his face each time you used the name to call your kitty for din-din??

..I have thought about this but it involves buying a 1967 Mustang.. a green one.

..they did their 'dirty deed' in it for the whole year. I still trigger every time i see one, and it doesn't even have to be that specific model... any fucking Mustang, any year, any colour is enough to set me off.. and there are millions of them on the roads..

..i really don't think it would help me overcome the trigger.. so i'll take a pass on the idea.

..however, your idea may work for you..

..try it, hey.. you can always change the name later!!

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 3:55 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW has the same name as I do, and its not a common name. I have trouble seeing my own name now...

The pet thing may work since you would associate positive feelings to the name. What does your WS think? Would it work for both of you?


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 260 | Registered: Oct 2013
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd get a rat instead of a cat.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
PrincessPeach06
♀ Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW has the same name as H's sister. It's weird how I can hear SIL's name and be ok but hear OW's and freak. It's like my brain can deprecate the two people even though they share a name. Maybe the cat thing would work for you, for me I think it would be like the SIL thing and wouldn't help me.


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess it depends on what works for you and your FWS. For me, it's not something I would do. I refuse to have any OW have an entry in my life. I am lucky I am not very good with names.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, interesting. OW's name is SO popular that I can't spit without running into someone with the same name. I'm not at a place where I would even remotely consider this.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you both agree to this but ultimately it doesn't work out, please don't get rid of the cat...seriously.

You can always rename her instead.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198232 | Registered: May 2002
Truly
♀ Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'she' has the same name as my daughter. It's a beautiful name that I chose so carefully. My poor baby knows about this and it hurts HER.
It's not right, so I call that 'she' the BBC.
Not sure if repeating a name removes the trigger as I say the name many times a day! Including when I'm cheering my DD on!


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh i could not call puss puss her name! His OW #1has an unusual name but I heard it on tv and I could not sit thru the show I said to him does that not bother you it was over his head. men...
OW#2 Has common name would not call puss puss her name either.



There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My house would be overrun by cats.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 338 | Registered: Sep 2013
Truly
♀ Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The mad old cat lady...I always knew that's how I'd end up! And each one with one of the OW's names...
Cripes, my language would further deteriorate


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it would make it worse. No. i'd never do it. I hate hearing the name and i'm glad we don't know many with her name. WHen I hear it I get sick...just like i have for four freaking years when she showed back up in our lives.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Lowlow
♀ Member
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why don't you get a plant first? Name it and see if you can live with it. If so, then you can commit to a kitty with the same name.

If you can't live with a plant with that name, you can easily give it away!

Much easier to give away a plant than a cat!!


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (LTA EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the only thing that really heals is time and either D or R with a remorseful spouse. I find your approach interesting, and it may work, but personally I wouldn't associate the pet with a person who has contributed so much to your pain.

I have an attractive wife and there are at least a thousand men in our city alone who would gladly help her break her marriage vows. It's hard to do, but I constantly remind myself that the identity of the creep that she chose for the job is really irrelevant. I trusted her, not him. Ultimately, my problem is with her, not with him. Guys like him are a dime a dozen and will populate this earth long after I'm gone.

I vote for doing whatever it takes to make the AP a non-factor in your life. This doesn't sound like an approach that will help get you there.

(((inshockandhurt)))

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 6:31 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
inshockandhurt
♀ Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone, I am just so sick of triggering when I hear her name, it is an incredibly common name and so the triggers are constant, on movies, tv shows, at the store, and since she was my friend my three year old still asks about her sometimes. I am very fascinated by psychology and since our triggers are basically just classical conditioning I am hoping to try a little psych experiment on myself and generalize the trigger. I have talked to my husband and I think we will do it. I need a different association with the OW's name, something that isn't so painful.

And to all of you who are worried I will just get rid of the cat if it doesn't work out, don't worry, if it doesn't work I will make sure the cat goes to a good home.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if it doesn't work I will make sure the cat goes to a good home.

That is still getting rid of the cat. Why traumatize an animal because you chose a poorly thought out experiment and it didn't work?

A cat is a living being that has feelings including fear. You will eventually get over the name, but this cat will be frightened and traumatized for a long time if it is ripped from the only home it will remember - yours. You will be it's family and you will just abandon it.

Very cruel. If you won't commit to making the animal a permanent part of your family, do NOT do this. Animals are alive, the are not furniture.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Different things work for different people.

Gosh, I'd never purposely name anything I cared about "her name."

It is very common and I have a step sister named that and my H's youngest sister is named that.

I do not say their name at all if I can get around it. For example, I will say to H, "Your youngest sister called." Like I said if this works for you, then go for it.

For me, I just don't really have a problem hating that name. I don't freak or go crazy when I hear it. It is not that bad, but it is a just a twinge of discomfort that I would rather avoid and will avoid whenever I can without making a spectacle of myself.

I have students named that and I have to put professionalism above reacting to their names. I'm able to do that so I guess for me, I'm doing as well as I want to be, regarding the OW's name. I still don't like hearing it, no matter what.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 7:42 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HELL NO! The f'ing name won't be uttered in my house ever again...especially from fWW!


D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 489 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd get a rat instead of a cat.

But rats are cute and friendly and social.

I kinda thought this post was gonna be about euphemisms involving dirt and fish. The whole breaking triggers makes a lot more sense.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7469 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 29
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