WH came and confessed to me. He is remorseful. He answers all my questions. He never wanted to break up the marriage. He has NC with OW. He wants to do what it takes to heal us, however long it takes.
In theory, this should be an ideal situation for R, right? I love him so much. The problem is I don't think I can do R. It's not that I hate him. I think even if we divorced I would like to remain friends with him.
I know I don't have to decide anything now...lots of people have given me that advice. But I hate this place called limbo.
Those of you that had a choice and decided you didn't want to R, do you have any regrets? How long did it take you to come to a decision?
[This message edited by nomadlady at 5:21 PM, January 6th (Monday)]
(Edited for clarification)
[This message edited by GabyBaby at 6:20 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]
DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs
Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.
[This message edited by Deanna at 6:14 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]
One sentence you wrote stuck out to me:
I think even if we divorced I would like to remain friends with him.
This is the exception Ė not the rule. Divorce is the process of minimizing interaction between the two people. Basically it ends up in as good an agreement as possible regarding the children. If you two are mature and lucky then you might even chat and catch up for a few minutes but you wonít visit, spend holidays together and go shopping for furniture.
Donít believe me? Well Ė look around at your divorced friends.
Sometimes it's just good to be reminded that you made the right choice.
I'm coming up on 2 years since D-Day -- about a year and a half divorced, and life just keeps getting better and better.
My only regret is that the 20 year old me was taken in by his mask of normalcy and that I wasted so much money on that parasite, but I guess it made me the person I am today.
I know he regrets the divorce, but he made his bed.
I've done a ton of reading (that's how I heal), and there's a book called "The Optimism Bias" that details a ton of scientific studies (I'm going to butcher this, but the sentiment is accurate) where the brain believes that the decision you made is the best one. For the most part, those who choose to R are going to argue that it was the right decision, and those who choose to D will argue that was the best decision.
There are also happiness studies out there where a year after losing a limb to amputation or a year after winning the lottery, people are back to their base line happiness level.
I know that a year after D-Day, I was actually happier than I'd been in recent memory, but I suspect that if I'd chosen to R, I'd have thought that I was happy as well.
Basically, there's no one size fits all answer. Listen to your gut. I'd recommend some IC to help you more clearly see the situation.
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
Most people who divorce because of infidelity regret that decision to divorce.
It hasn't been easy but I think it was the right decision for me and my children.
I keep telling myself whether Ieave or stay, I want to be confident in my choice and not have any second guessing...that's what is keeping me somewhat sane during this limbo.
But no way in the world I could have stayed married to him and survived. Reconciliation was not a possibility.
But there was no one to reconcile with.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
I regret I didn't boot him out sooner
This!!! I forgot about that part. It took a lot of therapy for me to forgive myself for putting up with the abuse for so long.
I think he has buried everything in the sand and is now moving on. I think it is quite scary that the person I thought I knew was never real. There is absolutely no depth to him, or anyone who thinks that they can take someone's love and destroy their soul.
We have been separated 8 months and sometimes I really miss him, or what I thought we had and our future together. And because of this sometimes I still wish he would have the guys to come crawling back in his knees and beg for forgiveness.
But then I remind myself that he isn't strong, only broken. He never wanted to fight for us and is happy living in unicorn land, waiting for the love of his life to come back to him.
I guess he'll be waiting a long time....
As someone who decided to R and is 90% sure I'm doing the right thing, I would urge you to wait a bit to see how your feelings settle down. It's a cliche on here to say "wait 6 months", but I do think it's a good rule of thumb. And I also do feel that we have a duty, as people who promised to stick with someone else through thick and thin, to at least TRY to R. (Although in some cases I admit that's an absurd rule.) For the kids, if nothing else.
If at the end of 6 months or so you still feel this way (and I would do MC during this time), then there's nothing for it. It's gone and nothing he can do will bring it back. But at least you've given it the old college try and can feel good that you did what you could to save it.