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User Topic: Never look in the WS forum....
♀ Member
Member # 27467
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Life Boat post was crucial to our R. I know fwh gained a lot of insight from the posts in wayward I sent to him. I agree with Bigger, some of the most honest and gut wrenching work for both sides seems to take place on these forums.

Until recently, two years out, I've avoided the posts with stop signs. I know the post of which you speak. This person will most definitely be feeling the hurt. I think it makes us all start questioning what we know.

BW-47, married 24 years, together 27
WH-49, has LTEA w/ExGF, 25 years (minor PA)
Final no contact 4-2010
2nd A- 10-1-11 through 11-3-11
D-day 11-3-11 through 11-6-11
PA- mainly kissing until the last night when they had sex.
R- so far so good

Posts: 220 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
♀ Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's very inspiring to see how many WS are actually willing to own their shit and try and improve themselves and help their spouses heal.

There's always that one WS who is looking for validation, or seeking a stamp of approval for whatever their excuse is.

These are the ones who think they're fooling everyone and are trying to talk their way out of it and backpedal and all of it.

No matter what the experienced WS's tell them, no matter what kind of advice they give to these problem children, they just keep on shifting blame and all their other little tricks, like people here who have done the same things and used the same old tired playbook(but don't anymore) are too stupid to see through them.

This is why it's so hard to go there. It's triggery for me to see one of these people in denial(like some other people I know)

Actually, I went there on the wrong day and got permabanned, but it's all good. I can still see if I'm not logged in-I just can't launch a truckload of vitriol at the ones who seem to be gaming everyone here as they claim to ask for help. Luckily, those posters are few and far between and the WS are very adept at calling them out.

Since I'm not allowed in WS anymore, WS please accept my apologies for hurling the truckload of vitriol.(but only if you're remorseful--- )

[This message edited by loveisareddress at 2:44 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]

Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.

Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
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Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to go in there a lot to help me make sense of what the hell my FWH might be thinking/feeling/hiding and it helped me out a lot.

I tend to stick to General and R and frequent F&G's on the whole.

I have to say I find it easier to read in the Wayward forum than in JFO as that just wrenches my heart still- all the freshness of those new hurts... I just get so upset and it makes me triggery - even now.

That is why I hold the Mods with such high regard- we 'mere' members can go where we choose and avoid where we trigger but the Mods and Guides? They have to oversee every forum. That takes a special kind of person.

BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeÜ

Posts: 1583 | Registered: Jul 2009
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Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got banned from there because I was......impatient.....with a WS. I do read some of the posts and sometimes I jut waant to shake them.

The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1400 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's a LOT of wisdom to be found there. But best to wait until you're a little further out to lurk there. I got warned as a newbie for lashing out.

We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6805 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love the WH forum. They are real people like us, but on the flip side. They are human and need support also. They are looking for answers also just like us BS. I give my input when I can.
Just knowing that they are brave enough to come and spill their souls of something horrible that they have done is HUGE in my book.

Yes it can be triggery for some but it isn't for me because they did nothing to me personally and knowing that they are here for help and learn from what they did and figure it is wonderful. I am learning from them as well.

BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"

Posts: 2777 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was totally new to this site, stumble upon a post written by a wh, told him exactly what was on my mind and boom, access denied!!!

HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 196 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really like the WS forum. Yes, there are definitely some things that can trigger, but itís really wonderful to see all the WSs that are Ďowning their shití and trying to improve, even if the M is over, or may be over. Thatís what separates SI from other relationship forums. The others that Iíve seen that have WS or OP forums are filled with posts that, as another member here just said, can make a BS feel stupid, worthless, etc. In other words, filled with people that donít get it and donít care who they hurt as long as they get what they want. Thatís the thing that one needs to remember. If you want to be a selfish person walking through life unaffected by the damage you cause, fantastic. Stay the hell away from me and any other decent person, but fantastic. I do NOT want to hear or read about it. I have no use for anyone that willfully partakes in a hurtful situation and laughs about it, or blames the person being hurt, or justifies what they are doing by proclaiming ďyou canít help who you fall in love with!Ē Really? Because when I was single, the second I learned that a man was married, he immediately moved into a different category than the single men. This goes for men in relationships too, even if the relationship is relatively new. It was never a conscience thought, it just was. I guess thatís the difference really. You either have it ingrained in you to the point that being OW or WS just isnít an option because the people you would need to have the A with just arenít even in the running, without thought or effort. So yes, you can help who you fall in love with as long as you have any respect for someone elseís relationships.

Wow Ė bit off track huh?

I do like the WS forum. I have received a warning, so Iím VERY careful now because I donít want to be Ďbannedí from that section of the site. I appreciate the insight that the WSs here are willing to share, because just like there arenít that many types of affairs, there arenít that many reasons and thought patterns with cheaters. Once you can read the posts without the intense pain or rage that comes in the beginning (by Ďbeginningí I mean the first couple of years) there is a lot of knowledge to be gained in the WS forum. If the pain is still fresh and close to the surface, itís not a good place. Itís one of the reasons I just lurked here for a very very very long time. I was too quick with the words and I needed to learn to think before hitting the Ďsubmití button. Iím almost there

So thanks WSs here on SI. Youíve really helped me, and from the sounds of it many others here, much more than you probably realize. It is very much appreciated, and in all honesty it probably saved my marriage by being able to see some of the thoughts that my H was having and either couldnít articulate them very well, or I didnít believe what he had told me. Seeing others with almost identical reasoning, excuse-making, entitled thought patterns during an A, and the sadness and guilt afterwards Ė it helped, so so much.

Wow, writing all of this made me really realize how much Iíve gained from the WSs in the WS forum here on SI. Thank you, so so so much.

The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like reading the WS forum.

I rarely post there because I have to remember not to call names, and control myself. I have to remember that they are not MY WS, haha!

But I think they offer some great insights and answer a truckload of our questions. I think they are super brave to be posting as well, and most of them have really done a lot of work to fix themselves and their marriages.

But definitely, there are days where I am too triggery to go in there.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
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Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got banned (ahem...with reason), so I can't read WS without signing out of SI, so I don't read WS any more, but...

I recently realized that the remorseful WSes I read in my early days on SI made R attractive to me - they proved to me that R is possible. First, they show WSes can change. Second, those who R show indirectly that their BSes can recover from the pain, shame and humiliation of being cheated on.

The remorseful WSes made my life better, and the posts from fWSes in R and G continue to make my life better. I am grateful to them.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10341 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got banned (ahem...with reason)

No Ė say it Ďaint so Joe. Not in a million years would I think (would love to see that thread)

Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1131 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The WS come here as the bad guys.
Yet they come and the fact they read and post indicates they want to change. They want to make right. To me Ė as a BS Ė that is an intensely powerful thing.

I've always felt that way about that forum. It took me forever to finally post a response there though but I find the discussions at times helpful. It made me realize how human we all are. How we can all make mistakes and be the worse kind of person we can be, and yet, be able to turn it around and be a good person. I am not by any means the most perfect of people. I myself would like to be forgiven for my sins. Though I have not cheated on my spouse, there are things I have done in my life I regret and would like to be forgiven for. I guess that's why I empathize. I put full blame on my FWS when I found out about the adultery but I've also pitied him and all those other OW. It's a similar feeling as those of us who've seen our children make a mistake and suffer the consequences.

I guess bottom line is that forum can give you more awareness, a different, educational perspective if you let it.

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The ws forum just makes me frustrated because my ws is so far off from those brave ones that tell their stories and are busting their hump to R.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5130 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the longest time I wouldn't venture into the WS Forum. When I finally did, it was bittersweet.

Here there were a lot of 'switched on' people trying to help the 'less switched on' with really thoughtful, probing questions. Bittersweet because their 'insightfulness' highlighted just how far my husband had to go. (Has to go)

Much introspection goes on there and many times I have been inspired to work on 'issues' that I have just because of a conversation I have read. I have learned a lot.

Occasionally there is a triggery topic but I just click away before it becomes an issue for me.

You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
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Member # 21791
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As someone with a very short timeline from Dday to divorce, I've always found the WS forum to be very helpful and healing for me. I really believe that it's one forum that has allowed me to gain understanding and to regain trust.

Me (BS)47
XH (WS)53
Married 21 years
Divorced 2/19/07
Two sons 21 and 23 in college

Posts: 1462 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Northern Michigan
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was not able to look in there, not even scan the thread titles, without triggering and getting physically ill, for about two years after signing up here. It's rough.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9815 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♂ Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The most courageous and impressive to me are the WS who did not get the result they hoped for, got the D they did not want, yet stay there in that forum working on themselves, sharing hard won wisdom with those still struggling to find their way. If and when they find themselves in another relationship, I think they will likely be awesome partners to their new SO.

When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read the wayward forum, just not everyday and usually only a few posts that catch my eye. I have gotten my own hands slapped a few times for my posts, so now I only post if I have the overwhelming urge to do it and if I have something positive to say.

I think it is great that waywards have a place to vent and learn also. I am always encouraged by the ones that really screwed up and their BS D them, but they come back to try and fix themselves to never make that mistake again or to help their BS through their D. It has helped me gain some insight into what my WH#2 did and some of the why's. Hell, I even went to a OW site a few times, just to understand that part, but never really did.

I would not recommend a JFO BS to go there because it can be triggery at times and you tend to project alot in the beginning. I have a harder time reading JFO posts. I want to go and hug the majority of them in person and tell them it does get better.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm w/Bigger et al. relative to the WS forum.

Those who are working on themselves and R in that forum will call out WSs who are trying to b.s. & TT & blameshift; I love that. I also greatly appreciated reading genuine posts of remorse that echoed things my own FWH was saying (years ago), because it allowed me to believe them a little more.

You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 3890 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the I find it very helpful camp as well. First of all, like many have already said, I seriously respect them for rolling up their sleeves and doing the work and wish my WH had a little of that in him. Also, I've found when there is maybe a newbie WS who has not yet seen the light, there is NO beating around the bush in there, they are pretty tough on those that are still in any type of fog. Supportive, but tough. I wish the seasoned WS's over there could give advise to my WH, but I can't imagine he'd ever post.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
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