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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Devastated and Desperate
IrishGirlVA
♀ Member
Member # 39694
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm honestly speechless because you spilled out exactly what I felt a couple months ago when I just found out. My boyfriend lived with me and cheated on me. He moved back home. He literally lives 2 miles from my house. I have put my shoes on in preparation to do a drive-by so many times. One time I did and I found nothing. But it didn't make me feel any better. It made me feel worse because there he was at home, alone, when he could have been with me. Or at least BEGGING AND PLEADING to be with me. And I had every intention of rejecting him if he did. But the truth is, as the days went on, I was able to untangle my heart from my brain and thought of all the reasons why he was not good for me. And like your boyfriend, mine is unremorseful. He only wants me around when I am happy and I make his life pleasant. He has no emotions. To me, his cheating on me was the universes way of asking me, "Are you done yet? Is this enough to break the camels back?!?".

And the answer is -- Yes. I'm done.

As painful as it is, because I still love him for some reason, I know that I will recover and move on. And one day I will look back and thank him for putting that final nail in the coffin. Even today I am realizing how much better I am without him.

Your feelings too will subside. You are in shock and you can't believe this is the life you are living. But please, sweetie, don't turn a blind eye. He is showing you who he is. Believe him.

I remember when I first met my SO. On our very first date he said, "All men are assholes". In hindsight, that date should have been my last. I lost so many years being with a man who couldn't, and wouldn't, meet my needs.

Please don't end up like me. Start your new beginning sooner than I was able to.

Good luck.


Me: 40 yrs old BGF
Him: 37 yrs old WBF
Us: Together for 4 years and living together for 1
DDay: June 2013
PA with the mother of his child. Both of whom live in another country.
Status Jan 2014: Done. She's preggo again.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Virginia
Swims
♀ Member
Member # 30992
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Ambermoon)) I know the feelings of shock and disbelief you are experiencing. Take care of yourself, be sure to eat healthy meals and stay hydrated. Getting regular exercise also helped me through those initial days and weeks. Read and re-read implementing the 180. I'm very concerned that your IC suggested he could be a sociopath. Sociopaths HAVE NO CONSCIENCE and CANNOT BE " FIXED". Other people are pawns in their chess game and they play to win at all costs. Get a copy of "The Sociopath Next Door" for more insight about this personality disorder. Hang in there honey!

[This message edited by Swims at 2:32 PM, October 31st (Thursday)]


Posts: 122 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: East Coast
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so grateful for each and every one of your replies. Thank you for sharing your stories and encouragement with me.
I managed to drag myself to work today but I am a mess. I am going from a zombie like state with no emotions to crying hysterically. Breathing feels like too much work.I am quite honestly a mess. I am scared. I feel like I will die from this... just keel over as the pain is too much to bear. How did you all get through this and work and psy bills and take of your children? The pain is unbearable and the zombie state terrifying....

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I took all of your suggestions and I am feeling a little more peaceful tonight.
I let myself have a breakdown and I let myself scream and yell and cry and pace and then I took some deep breaths and am continuing to focus on my breathing. I got myself a milkshake. And I went to the library and checked out books on infidelity, grief, and healing. I just got out of a warm bath and am in my favorite pj's and I am going to cuddle up and read. I am so thankful for this moment of peace where my mind isn't swirling with emotion and pain and what ifs. I feel okay right now and I think I am learning that this moment is all we have... if I can be okay moment to moment then maybe at one point those moments will create an entire hour... day... week... month...
I am going to be gentle with myself. Go out of my way to love myself and pamper myself.
And also allow myself to be mad, sad or any other emotion that comes my way... BUT I am going to try my best to not drown in these emotion when they pop up. I am going to be okay.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ambermoon, the very first thing you have to do is limit the damage. Do not drive drunk, do not do anything to make life worse -- yes, it can get worse.

I was there and am on the way out. You will too, but it takes time. And during that time you're going to feel a lot of pain.

The best advice I have ever been given:

1. Don't make any decisions now. You don't have to. Give yourself time to think things through.

2.Don't cause further damage to your life.

Live by those two rules and after a lot of pain you will recover. Also, read Co-dependent No More.

Stay strong.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 507 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FeelingSoMuch,

I am SO GLAD that I didn't drive there drunk last night. I am going to not drink for a while as I found it to make things alot worse.

Funny you should mention that book. I attended a 12 step meeting tonight for codependency that a friend recommended. What I read about codependency described me exactly. It was like someone had peered inside my soul and wrote that about me. I did get that book from the library and cannot wait to dig in!
Thank you for some great advice!


Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IrishGirl,
Thank you.
I feel the universe is asking me the same and I can honestly say right now that Yes, I am done too!

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Ambermoon
New Member
Member # 41173
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't heard a word from him. I am glad yet hurt. I want him to call and beg so I can forgive yet I never want to see him again. If he called, I would give him another chance even though I know things will never change.
I deleted his number from my phone so I am am not tempted to call.
I know this is the right thing to do but I hurt like hell. I do have more moments where I can breath but these moments when I can't seems unbearable. I cannot eat. I cannot sleep. I cannot even cry anymore.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 28
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