However in my situation they were both married with children and knew it. I will admit to flat out hating her. I hate my husband for what he did, but I do direct more hate towards her. I attribute it to investment and love. I love my husband and am invested in our life. The OW and her life mean nothing to me. I don't need to reconcile any feeling with her. I can hate her for the rest of my life and it doesn't effect my life and family. With WH I have investment. Even if we divorce, he will be in my life for the rest of my life because of the kids. If I hate him, they will see it, and it will effect them. So she does tend to get the brunt of my hatred. Just as I would expect her BS to put all of his hatred on my WS. And I wouldn't blame him at all.
OW, I don't know. I don't know her 'story', I don't know her 'why'. Maybe if I did, I would feel compassion for her as well.
she doesn't owe me any more than a car would owe me if my H drove it into a tree and put me and my children into a coma.
How about the analogy of somebody stealing from you. Do they owe you anything? They didn't make vows or promises to you, so with your way of thinking, it would be fine for someone to break into your home and take whatever they wanted, plainpain, because hey, they don't owe you anything. ( if you agree, tell me where you live, I need some new stuff)
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
In this thread we have covered several types of situations. While anyone that knowingly cheats with a married person is a rat in my view, based on my own experience, I also agree that if there were multiple OPs, or even prostitutes as in my first M, well, yes, after looking what he did, I had no engergy to really look at any of the individual OPs and what their part may have been. So therefore I guess you could say it was all on him.
And in my current M, the whore went after him, knowing he was very married, and took advantage of the fact his mother and DD had just died. Even this does not "excuse" my H but it does cause me to feel that whore deserves plenty of blame.
And then there are situations in between these two extremes, which I also experienced. My first H also had an EA/PA with a "religious" woman when I was pregnant with our 3rd child. He lied and told her that he was divorced! She got suspicious and called me to find out...and she then got to hear me burst into tears and tell her I was 7 months pregnant! At that point, I didn't blame her at all and was rather glad she called me.
But two weeks after our son was born, they slept together! How disgusting. But even with that, I do not hate her like I hate the one who purposely chased my H, knowing he was married, and everything else. I have no respect for someone who would give in to their own hurt and feelings after finding out they'd be been lied to about whether he was married, but I still have less hatred for that type, than the type who initially chases someone who is married. That's just my experience and perspective on all this.
[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 9:39 AM, November 1st (Friday)]
it makes her into a person of relevance. She's not.
my H is a human being, not something I possess.
But,I do understand why most BW's are angry with the OW,and place some of the blame at their feet. No,they were not the ones who said vows and made a commitment. But, that doesn't mean an OW is blameless. She is still responsible for her actions. A decent woman does not involve herself with a married man..period.
Each person is responsible for their own actions.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
They were coworkers, everyone he works with (small trucking company) KNEW he was married. Another friend of mine that works there was so furious when she found out what he was doing. Others just looked the other way, one guy was even willing to lie for him to help 'protect' him when I found out. There is no way in hell that bitch OW didn't know he was married, even if he lied to her. We are a very small community and its hard to keep stuff like that secret.
The worst - his company hauls their product to my company. She was a skanky truck driver and he was the mechanic. I am safety and very high on the company totem pole for my company. It took ALL of my willpower to not stalk her when she came to my site and find reason to give find her guilty of a safety violation. I took the high road, and decided payback enough was that he was now her problem - dealing with his mood swings, alcoholism, drug addiction, impulsive gambling - all the crap I was standing by trying to get him help for because my vows said 'in sickness and health'. A year now has gone by, we are divorced and they are broken up. I dislike her, she knew we were married but that din't stop her. I hate to say it but I know karma will hit her at some point, what goes around comes around.
"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.
SisterMilkshake, thank you. You have reminded me this morning that I sometimes have a problem with 'too much empathy'; I think it is what has caused me to be an enabler in my marriage. I'm still learning to respect my own anger. No, I don't actually care about her 'story', there is no justification for what she has done, and she is a horrible, horrible person.
I'm afraid that all this realization of not caring means I've checked out and I am just waiting for exit sign to appear.
Don't get me wrong I hold him 100%accountable. But she's a bunny boiler who took things to a different level. Yeah I hate her and wish her unwell..
She said they had sex and that he said he was divorced with no kids. She called him a piece of shit
and asked me how I didn't notice what he was doing. ....... she sent him an email two days later trying to grovel to him- yep the piece of shit.
She is a typical OW. OP lie. Don't listen to anything she says, in fact, cut her out of your life. Like SMS said, *shrug*