While he did not deliberately seek out an affair, he was definitely vulnerable (he's a SA who had always before confined his innapropriate behavior to masturbation, pornography, flirtations with pretty women, etc.). The revelation 7 years ago that he was an SA had, little by little, degraded our marriage. Both of us were depressed (him, clinically) and frustrated with each other.
They met at a work event (different companies in different states), exchanged numbers (for business reasons, naturally), and began a texting friendship that she turned sexual. Of course, it took only one invitation for him to fall. It was NOT her first rodeo; it WAS his. Still, they BOTH cheated on their spouses and their children and they were both raised to have more integrity than that.
But I do have pity for her as it appears she has histrionic personality disordered. NPD + HPD = crazy chaos. They are in fantasy land now but eventually their lives will be pure hell. Wonder who will betray who first.
I am thinking I need to look into counseling or something.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
I'm still breastfeeding
The bottom line: he is a government employee and his salary is posted. He was so stupid to think that someone else would clean up his toenail clippings and hair. No idiot, it was your money. When she pressured you for money, you ran. Unlike your wife, your OW is looking out for her best interests.
The AP begins with the WS talking poorly about the marriage. I was painted as a horrible, alcoholic that refused to have sex with him. He failed to mention that I took my vows seriously, loved him to a fault and refused to have him touch me once he turned to another woman. Lies have an uncanny way of turning off the BS.
So, I blame my husband for his broken vows to me, and I blame the AP for deciding that she had the right to steal something that did not belong to her The OW yelled out to my husband that he ruined her life. F her. She got what her hand called for. In some countries stealing gets your hands cut off.
Both feet pointed forward; positive
When I first suspected something, my husband panicked and fired her and I rehired her. Granted I didn't know all the details at that time. If I had, I'm not sure I would have done that. I could see through their messages that it was mostly my husband. She went along with it for the money he was giving her and the special privileges . Although I don't blame her, I let her know that she wasn't totally innocent. I asked her if that's the kind of woman she really wants to be....the kind that runs around with a married man at 3am and accepts money from him. She started to cry and apologized. I made sure she knew that I was the only reason she still had a job. She then said she was no longer going to cover for my husband anymore, even if that means losing her job and offered to answer any questions I had. There are times when I wish I could hate her. My healing would be a lot easier if she wasn't around. It's just not who I am though.
I blasted the OW to her H and his boss (since he would not answer the phone for me).
I finally, at 2 years post affair, put a public statement on Craigslist in AK (I am in NC) telling her that I forgave her because I wanted to have peace in my head about the whole affair.
I knew she read it, she's just nuts.....Anywho, I did it for me. The statement about indifference being more than hate is not true in my book.
My indifference has no hate. I forgave her because I wanted to be better. And I am.
Edited for a dumb typo to stupid looking to just leave in.
[This message edited by BeautifulEmpty at 3:49 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]
Fuck her and her fucking "story". She fucked a married man, someone elses husband. She is a fucking horse shit person who doesn't give a shit about spouses and children.
I hate OW. Hate her. She's a liar and a whore, and a worthless pile of shit. She can cry her eyes out daily - I hope she does. She's misery for everyone and everything. She knew he had someone. She didn't care - she wanted what she wanted. She had someone too, that she was using. He thought she was little miss innocent until I told him the truth. She'd been faking who she was for 8 years with him.
I think she thought that since she was my H's ex, she had some 'right' to him. Fuck her. She apologized, and then lied through her teeth. She's scum. I will never feel sorry for that thing.
This was the worst pain I have ever experienced. I lost 5 years of my life. She thought she was the greatest thing on sliced bread and could simply come in and replace me.
I have never had so much contempt for any one.
I initially had empathy for her. All this did was become an enabler.
i do no not blame the OM. i knew what he was about 22 years ago when i met him. he was a womanizer then and is today. four years ago or so, in getting reconnected, he rekindled a professional relationship and then developed and then used his mentor relationship with my WW (medical related) to have 'fun' on his annual business trips. my WW became his for-free escort. he even had at least one other.
he filled up my WW with a bunch of lies: he really 'cared' about her (yep, knowing that her family was most important to her); that he would 'never' want to do anything to hurt their marriages (!?!); that no one gets hurt if no one finds out; that the secrecy is what makes their relationship special; that what they were doing was 'ok' since they did not want to leave their spouses or families, etc.
SO, i know the above and the other 180 degrees from talking to his BW.
BUT, you know what? I do not blame him. Sure he had no respect for my M - but he never promised anything to me.
It was my SPOUSE that broke our vows and spilled toxic waste on my marriage. The guy should have been obvious, and if not, that is still my wife's fault. She has all my blame. The other BW never blamed my WW. She referred to her WH as a Narcissistic disappointment.
The only instance in which I think it is right to expend energy blaming the AP is when the AP was at your wedding, making an oath to protect and honor your marriage...then I think yin that case a promise was broken to you.
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 8:36 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]