Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: LoveBetrayed (45355)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Memories....
HealingNow
♂ Member
Member # 14589
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seven years ago tonight....

I was two months post D-Day. I hadn't found this website, and was, in hindsight, doing everything wrong. My kids were 11, 9 and 7, and I was in a panic, accepting blame for everything, and trying to be the perfect husband and father. Trying so hard to keep my sanity in the face of an unrepentant WW who was playing me like a violin.

I recall the night as if it were yesterday...I finished a job in the afternoon, and was a few hundred miles from home. I did a time/distance analysis, and determined I could still make Halloween trick or treating - if I averaged 80 mph on wintery roads for three solid hours of driving.

The reasonable me of a few months prior would have called the wife and advised I was delayed and to carry on without me. The desperate me gunned it....safety and reason be damned.

I made it just in time. Good news! - or so I thought. As I walked in the front door, I was greeted by my two youngest, as well as OM's two kids. Yup, they had been invited to come and trick or treat with my kids. Doing my best Neville Chamberlain impression, I caved and tried to be the peace-maker.

So there I was - my two youngest, the OMs two kids, freezing my arse off in sub-zero temperature trick-or-treating, while my WW spent the whole time I was gone on the phone with the OM. Following the trick-or-treating, she left to 'quickly' drop of OM's kids, and came back sometime after midnight. When I finally called her on it, she crapped all over me for being too controlling, and threatened that our marriage was over if I couldn't give her some 'freedom'. Pre D-Day, I never questioned her on her whereabouts... her 'ladies nights outs'...nothing. Now I was being described as a 'control freak'.

Anyhoo....7 years later we're still married. Affair ended after much, much more ugliness about three months later.....but never a true recovery. I have since grown a pair of balls, but sadly live in a civil but sexless marriage. The affair is never discussed and FWW has seemingly blocked it from her memory.

I still live with it every day.


I'm a believer in the theory that a LOT of BS's go into a fog of our own after D-Day...
at the time we make choices that seem like the right thing...but down the road we look back and realize that we sold pieces of our soul.
-roadscholar

Posts: 182 | Registered: May 2007
Crushed1
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HealingNow))) Of course Halloween is a huge trigger for you considering what happened on that night. I am eight years out. We never discuss his A either. Like your WW my H seems to have just 'forgotten' all the horrid things he did.

I hope you will find peace. I'm sorry you're hurting.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9753 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have since grown a pair of balls, but sadly live in a civil but sexless marriage. The affair is never discussed and FWW has seemingly blocked it from her memory.

This scares me even more than the thought of divorce. For the last year, I have had a roommate, not a wife.
Thanks for telling this story. I had never considered that "a civil but sexless marriage" was even a possibility. I can see now how easy it would be to find myself in that situation.
Thanks to your story, now I won't.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HN, that is sad. So sad. Is there a reason you stay after all this time and a wife that isn't interested in improving the relationship or herself?

JustJim, I have read your story in your profile. Horrible, just horrible. Honestly, I questioned even a move 60 miles away. Many people drive that far every day for work, myself included. I'm wondering if she didn't want you out of town so she could do as she wanted.

If you are doing the 180, and your WW has not yet moved from your bedroom, then you should move. No need to discuss it, or have any dramatic discussions. Simply move your things from your bedroom to the guest room, and when bedtime comes that's where you go. She'll get the hint fast enough, and it will most likely really shock her, but so what. The less contact you have with your WS while she is actively cheating the better. The only thing she can offer right now is craziness and heartache.You've had enough of that.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
HealingNow
♂ Member
Member # 14589
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The 'civil but sexless' part is on me. It's on me, because I can't move on due to a pathetic half-assed attempt on my FWW part at R. During the affair, and even for a long while after she broke it off, she said and did some horrible things.

In a calm, reasonable discussion, she once described how I was really nothing more than a re-bound relationship after she broke up with her old boyfriend; one that went on for far too long and she had just never had the guts to call off (this after 16 years of marriage). In another conversation, this one about our lack of a regular, healthy sex life, she calmly described how any non-procreative sex was for my benefit alone; that she would be quite happy to never have to have sex with me again. The list is long....

The killer is the court affidavit, done during the affair in an attempt to have me kicked out of our house. In it, her, her boyfriend's lawyer and her boyfriend, crafted a document that painted my as an unstable stalker with all sorts of 'issues'. The document was full of innuendo and contained numerous lies, and, to this day, remains a public document searchable for anyone to see (say, during a background check). She has done nothing to make it go away, or if that is not possible, perhaps even trying to attach another affidavit telling 'the rest of the story'. The kicker is, after she ended her affair, she convinced me to reimburse her boyfriend for his legal expenses (as he originally footed the bill). I paid over $4,000 to have my reputation destroyed. The icing on the cake was few years later, when during a discussion about the state of our marriage, I brought this issue up and said this was one of my major obstacles. FWW replied: "It's all about you and your feelings, isn't it".....well.....yes. In this case it kinda is.

Now, if she had made the effort to replace these many soul crushing memories and statements with positives, and made a real solid attempt at R, then perhaps I could move on. Instead, her approach to R was using a politicians apology: "I sincerely regret that my actions or statements may caused some distress. If that is the case, I apologize". In fact, if I could block out the A as she has, I dare say we could have what approaches a 'normal' marriage.

However, every time I have the desire to reach out....I stop. I carried the load for far too long, and out of principle, I refused to do so anymore. I am content, for the sake of the children, to carry on for a few more years in a soul-less marriage. It's not horrible: We talk, occasionally laugh; we are respectful of each other, and rarely argue - but there's no 'relationship'.

Now, in my mind, it could all turn around tomorrow, but for her lack of reaching out and making right what she broke.....for two years post-affair, I was amazing. I did it all and if there was such an award for Betrayed Husband of the Year, I'd have been a shoe-in. She, on the other hand, was a wet noodle, while she recovered from her crushed heart.

Eventually, around the time I organized a massively successful surprise 40th birthday party for her (flew in old friends and family....it was amazing)I reached a point where I determined that not only did any effort need to be at least 50/50, but she should be the one putting maximum effort into the marriage to fix the things she broke...and then, over time, we could turn back to normal. The effort required by her never materialized.

So....that's the story. Kind of a purgatory until the kids move on. After that...who knows?


I'm a believer in the theory that a LOT of BS's go into a fog of our own after D-Day...
at the time we make choices that seem like the right thing...but down the road we look back and realize that we sold pieces of our soul.
-roadscholar

Posts: 182 | Registered: May 2007
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry you are still where you are with your WW. I spent 22yrs with XWH#1 before I could finally say no more. Sometimes it just takes one more thing to finally push you off the fence so to speak. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 6

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.