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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Found out 10/29
petalsbypenny
♀ New Member
Member # 41182
Question  Posted: 11:13 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't even know where to start. My emotions are on a roller coaster. I found pix of my husband with her. We was supposed to be visiting a friend but lied and actually met up with this woman. I haven't him but plan to tomorrow. I am scared. How will he react? Will he be remorseful? Will he agree to end it? I am devasted. I am so sad and confused.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: North Carolina
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{petalsbypenny}}}

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

Three years ago, on 10/29/2010, I too learned of my WH affair. It was devastating and beyond painful.

My WH was 100% remorseful and committed to righting his wrong. Today our M is stronger and we are in a much better place. Know that you can survive this.

Of course you are scared, I am sure you feel as if a bomb just blew up your world. Dealing with infidelity is a difficult journey but over time, a lot of time, it does get easier.

Will he be remorseful? Will he agree to end it?

^^^If he want to save the M he will.

Remember, he caused the destruction, he must work to fix it.

Wishing you strength.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2121 | Registered: Nov 2011
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so very sorry. We all know the pain and the fear that you're going through. You will get through this, I promise.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
petalsbypenny
♀ New Member
Member # 41182
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both for your kind words. I am nervous because what if he says 'sorry but I am leaving you for her'. We have 2 small children together. We have marriage counseling scheduled next week and he says he is committed to saving our marriage but is he? He has been lying all along. Maybe he is only telling me this to placate me.

Any thoughts would be helpful.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: North Carolina
petalsbypenny
♀ New Member
Member # 41182
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both for your kind words. I am nervous because what if he says 'sorry but I am leaving you for her'. We have 2 small children together. We have marriage counseling scheduled next week and he says he is committed to saving our marriage but is he? He has been lying all along. Maybe he is only telling me this to placate me.

Any thoughts would be helpful.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: North Carolina
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he says, 'Sorry I am leaving you for her', then your heart will break. What is the alternative?

You don't have to decide anything right away, but your chances of true R are so much better if the truth is out. Sometimes they are really, really tired of lying, and having the A fully exposed is the best thing for them.

I don't really have any advice. I know that your head and heart are swirling. I laid on the floor many times, in pain, just breathing. I'm still breathing, not on the floor anymore, and finding my way to self-respect and happiness again.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
petalsbypenny
♀ New Member
Member # 41182
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plain pain - how soon after he was confronted did he end the A?

Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: North Carolina
Shocked2believe
♀ Member
Member # 41010
Default  Posted: 4:37 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Petalsbypenny. Stay strong and read all you can. Go to 'The Healing Library' in the top left hand corner. As much as it's a life shattering journey your about to embark on please know that the people on here are incredible and whenever you need to vent, question or anything else there are many willing to help. I'm only new to this site (it took me 5 months to get here) but be assured that there are many who have experienced this and have got through it. Thinking of you remember you will get through it.
((Petaksbypenny))


Me: BS Married 10 years, together 20
Him:WH - EA with engaged COW.

'If you come into my life, the door is open; If you leave my life, the door is open; Just one request, don't stand in the doorway, you're blocking the traffic'


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, I never had to go through that struggle of confronting. I asked him once if he had someone else, and he denied it. I never looked for evidence; it would have been easy enough to find, if I had. I chose to believe him. He confessed everything to me after OW told him that she's pregnant, and he ended it immediately... although he was definitely in 'affair fog', and it took at least a month for me to get the whole truth about it, and about the last 18 years of our marriage.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Penny,
I am so sorry you are going through this. From my experience, MC in the very beginning was a very bad idea. He just lied to the MC and me about being no contact with the filthy one. It took 4 months before he finally went no contact, and it was only when I was ready to walk.

Please read up on the 180 and implement it like yesterday. Also, if OW is married or in a relationship, I would definitely let her H know what she has been doing.

Take good care of yourself and your kids.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 386 | Registered: Feb 2013
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Demand total transparency from him. Get his cell phone and check it whenever you want. If that doesn't happen he's hiding something. Ask for pw to all his computer accounts. Get the phone put in your name and check his text usage. If any of these things he is unwilling to do, then you know he's not dedicated to R. I found out 10 days before you did. I have become a suspicious, snooping, prying person ... before I wouldn't question him about anything. Now, I question him about everything. I've told him NC is the only way, I will not even let him write her the NC letter, since she was in full knowledge of me (a family 'friend') and at one point he basically told her he didn't want to end the marriage. When I think about how trusting I was I just want to rainbow yawn! ugh You have my complete empathy. You can get through this, regardless of the outcome YOU will be ok.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
k9lover1
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are about to go on a very long journey. It will not be easy, you will have good days and bad days.

You will find a lot of advice here, some will apply, some will not. Take it all in, use what you can. Even though every story and person is different, there are some common threads that run through these things.

Did you confront? Did he admit to an affair? Be prepared for it not to end. All too frequently, they continue to see their AP for a while before they "get it". Sometimes you can encourage them to come out of the fog, sometimes they just do it in their own time. And then some are still in it.

Right now you need to be very clear in what you expect, what your boundaries are and what the consequences for crossing those boundaries will be. Do not threaten anything that you are not willing to do.

Keep posting with as much information as you are comfortable sharing - it will help us to help you.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8108 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
Raven96
♀ Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Honey.

Go to the Healing Library in the yellow box in the upper left hand corner. Start reading as much as you can with two small children. Arm yourself with knowledge.

Know that whether he admits or denies, if he promises to end it HE PROBABLY WON'T. Spouses in affairs are in a "fog" and don't always come out of it just because they are caught.

I see that you are confronting today. Please post here as much as you need to, and know that we are all here for you.

Good luck. I am sending good thoughts your way!!

(((Hugs)))


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
Chippednotbroken
♀ Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Prettypetals the second I found the texts he immediately ran out and changed his phone number. While he was doing that I got the truth from her. He came back I told him everything I knew. He then ran back out and changed my number and called her from a pay phone and said its over. As far as I can tell he has never spoken to her again. I don't know if that helps you or not. I threw him out but he refused to leave so for a little while we found ourselves at an impasse. Good luck to you I am so sorry you find yourself here. Be prepared for lies and half truths galore. Do nothing rash. Not yet.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2013
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just passed 3 years since the true confession was made.

It is a long, long, long road. I can say that it has been worth it, reconciliation that is, but it was a close run thing several times.

Divorce would have been so much simpler to do.

what if he says 'sorry but I am leaving you for her'

If he does, tell him


"She's welcome to you, but she can't fix what is wrong with you either, and I hope you don't hurt her like you hurt me."

You can't control that, any more than you can control a person's decision to have an affair or their lack of a decision to decline one. What you can do is take care of the children, take care of yourself, and let him do whatever he is going to do, or not going to do, while you do what you must and set clear boundaries for him in your relationship.

One thing, so hard to realize, so hard to deal with, is the simple fact that your WS is far more messed up than they appear. People who are psychologically healthy don't do this to other people. It is cruel. It is hateful. It is destructive. It is sadistic at some level. Yet, they do it, like a psychopath strangling one of their victims. TT is the same. They do it because of their internal mess that they are not managing constructively. So many better options than infidelity, than cheating, but they pick this route.

Their road to healing is longer, and they can hold you back from yours because it is an ongoing struggle and they continue to inflict further wounds by TT and their other actions.

They are broken. If you reconcile, you will realize how broken after 2-5 years.

My wife got the message, fairly early on, speaking of boundaries, that any further lying was the end of our relationship.

It took her a longer to get the message that withholding information was going to do the same, and even longer to get the message that any secrets would do the same. Privacy was one thing, secrecy was another.

It took a lot of work and practice for her to realize that her focus had to be our marriage, me, the kids, our business, our hobbies, our activities, our needs, our wants...and that had to be, and remain, a priority each day. Other peoples needs and wants needed to take a back seat. That she needed to recognize the severity of the hurt she had inflicted. The last near divorce episode was around 15 months ago, when a friend of hers wanted to get her involved in helping with the friend's husband's weight loss, and another of her female friends chimed in that they wanted their husband to lose weight as well.

She tells me this, calmly, and tells me that she has this great idea, to have a competition with him and the other spouse, both spouses of friends, because she wanted to lose weight as well, all three of them. I sat there and listened to this, incredulous, then I blew up. I pointed out that just a few years ago she had "helped" an acquaintance with his needs, which included sucking his cock, fucking him, and spending time with him while I was exhausted and coming home to an empty house. Now, to remind me of all this, she gets involved in this? I pointed out that if the husbands really want to lose weight, they can go to weight watchers, they don't need my wife to help them lose weight, they can work with their wives, and their wives, my wife's friends, don't need any other woman to motivate their husbands to do anything. Nor, did I need my wife to be motivating any other man to do anything, anything at all, after what she'd done.

Good luck.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
AlexFL
♂ Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I could do it over I would NOT confront him until I had my finances together and all my ducks in a row. U hope they will be remorseful and maybe he will be. But what if he isn't. Protect yourself. Go withdrawal 1/2 the $ from all the accounts. Show him you mean business right away. Believe me the first time this happened I wish I gave him hell. Maybe I wouldn't be dealing with it for a 5th time.

Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 16

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