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User Topic: WH is with OW as I speak...
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go to the movies alone. I've done it.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9792 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, that must be so painful.
When your ready to, you will know. Be kind to yourself, take this time to really think about what you want for your future.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5125 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grab a book and go to a late Borders and hang out at Starbucks. Hit the healing library for some good suggestions on book to read.
Ummmm, as gently as my non filters allow, did you kick him out of the bedroom and relegate him to the couch? I sure hope so. I didn't let my disgusting, pedophile, Shrek f...ing whore of a husband TOUCH me after I found out. It made my skin crawl for him to sleep next to me.
To me, that was part of the 180...or rather getting my self respect back.
I'm so sorry he is treating the mother of his children this way! Absolutely disgusting.
Chin up, you do deserve better!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2325 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please tell me you're not sleeping with him.

I'm in the Hefty Bag His Ass camp.

Nothing says "Bakery Closed!" quite like coming home to a lawn of green garbage bags.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21068 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This will kill anyones spirit.

I have breifly seen some of your posts Sue, but your WH is totally screwing with your head. I supposed his head isn't screwed on so tight right now either.

My H claimed to just want me...but couldn't break it off initially. Two words

HEFTY BAGS

All his stuff went to his parents front lawn. I refused to let him watch me bleed out on the floor.

I hope you find your worth, because he has lost his.

Stand up for you and demand better.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3844 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sue, I have to agree with some others. I know you said you aren't ready, but from experience, the only thing that can get through a wayward's selfish entitlement is a nuclear explosion.

Hefty bag his shit.

File for divorce.

I realize it seems insanely counterintuitive, but you must be willing to end the marriage in order to save it.

And even then, for every minute he continues to do this to you, it will take a month for you to recover from it. I meant that sincerely. In the early days so many BSs just want their spouse to come home. But let me tell you that even though I have reconciled, it is a nightmare's worth of work and energy. And the more shit he piles onto you, the more shit you have to recover and heal from. Stop the shit.

I know you are just getting your feet under you now. But go for shock and awe. Expose the affair. Kick him out. File.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6542 | Registered: Jan 2011
sueonthemove
♀ New Member
Member # 41145
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everybody... I am so incredibly happy to have found this place... it is keeping me sane!!

I WAS still having sex with him (best sex ever, crazy but true) even though I knew he was still with her. Somehow, I thought maybe I could just be ok with it... but of course... how could I possibly??

Then last Monday, I had a big meltdown, was crying and being needy... then I found this forum, started the 180 and he has been sleeping in the spare room ever since.

I told him by text this morning that I wanted him to move the rest of his stuff out of MY bedroom. He said he would.

I then told him I wanted him to move out, and no I wasn't going to wait until after Christmas and he said "no". He said he'd move out when HE decides he wants to and he has no plans to do so.

Whatever. As each day passes, I get further away, I'm sticking to the 180 (as best I can), and truly, deep down I feel that I'll probably be better off without him.

Thank you all again, so much.


Me: BS 42
Him: WH 53
OW: desperate, lonely and trashy widow, 60
Together: 18 years
Married: 15 years
3 kids: 14, 11 and 8
D-day #1 6/10/13
False R
D-day #2 9/8/13

Separate bedrooms, same house and he is still with OW.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2x4, and sorry, not so gently.

He said no. Oh Sue, Um, I don't think so.
I know you don't seem ready, but listen to me (us) please. Why would you even consider being his fall back plan?
I'm sorry, I just don't get this. I would love to be supportive, but your WH needs "help" un-lodging his head from the deep recesses of his ASS!

Please, before he gets the idea to begin helping the poor, poor, black widow financially. You have to take action.

Start transferring money into your name only. ESPECIALLY if you have children to protect. Then call the Attorney. You simply have got to get your head out of the sand, and call bullshit here.

I hope you can take the sadness out of it and get pissed. Really? He doesn't want to be monogamous?
As the song goes, "Who died and made him the king of everything"!

Unless you like your new position, do something about it. You DO have the power.

His stuff, throw it and him to the curb, and have locks added to the doors. Some places you can't "change" them. But apparently, you can "Add" them.

Until you do this, "This is your life".
Completely your choice.

Edited to add:
You are teaching your children that this is acceptable. Is it? Do you want this for them?

[This message edited by fourever at 1:35 PM, November 1st (Friday)]


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I meant the sex question regarding your protection from STD's.

Sounds like you have no choice but to visit with some attorneys.

He's bullying you - you know that, right?


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21068 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said he'd move out when HE decides he wants to

If it was me:
1. get a lawyer
2. draft papers for D
3. change the locks when he's going to be away
4. sit down with the kids and explain why Daddy has to be away from home; kids are more resilient than people think (looking back I was glad I did not grow up with a cheating father)
5. keep posting here for support
6. continue 180

I mean, in your case, he was very clear he doesn't want a monogamous relationship, he also was not vague about what he wants. It's like staying with someone who doesn't even pretend to care for you and tells you so and yet we stay... supposedly for our kids which I learned thankfully early on when I found this forums was complete bullsh*t. I was just scared and my ego was blown to bits. When I saw that my FWH was more sneaking phone calls cause he was more concerned about the multiple OW and their BS feelings than mine, I flipped out. I wanted out then and my FWH saw it clearly in my eyes and that's when he got desperate to have me back. When he realized I may need him, but I don't WANT him. I even told him he can have the house, I'll pay him monthly and he can have kids 50/50... he told me no to all of them and turned his life around and told me all the other stuff I didn't even know. That final confession of all "sins" is what helped us truly start R.

I guess what I'm saying is, he's made it clear that he can manipulate you; that he doesn't care about you; that he will continue to lie. What more motivation do you want besides picking up a rock and hitting your head with it?

I'm sorry for your situation. I feel for you. I've felt helpless during those times as well. It just sucks period. But action on our part can overcome that sucky feeling. We're adults. We can't control our husbands, but we can control our happiness, our self-respect, ourselves.

Hugs your way.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey,
karmahappens and Simple are both right.
My story. When the A first came to light and he had decided "he" didn't want R after all. I went to a friend that was a paralegal. I was actually telling her I didn't want to ask for too much spousal maintenance, even though HE was the one that wanted to move us so far from family, and even though HE wanted ME to give up my six figure paying career field to be a better wife to him and a better stepmother to his children. We built our home during the middle of his A. Of course, at the time I didn't know about it. And...he wanted the big expensive house. I wanted the $100,000 less expensive home that was also green.
She looked at me like I had lost my damned mind.
So you don't want to upset him and push him farther away. "Oh, honey, he is already abandoning you! At this point, you have to do damage control and try and minimize all that HE is going to do to YOU!"
Best words I ever heard.
They mess with our heads until we don't know what is right anymore.
Bottom line, he has both feet out the door. He is pulling power trips, and more on you.
Get a lawyer. Find out your rights, and whether or not you can change the locks. If you have him served, make sure they reflect that YOU and the kids have physical rights to the house. Get as much spousal maintenance as you can...you can always negotiate down, not up with spousal maintenance. Also, make sure child support is in there.
I would be more than happy to PM you a copy of what I ended up getting as something to make your rough draft on.
But right now, he is not your friend, he is not even your husband. If you can bag his crap, do it.
If you aren't sure about filing for D, you can tone it down and file for legal separation....I did for the health insurance and dental insurance.
Good luck, and please get to that lawyer ASAP.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2325 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
sueonthemove
♀ New Member
Member # 41145
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks everybody. I get it, I do (well, as much as I'm able to right now I guess). I am not from the US and we just don't go to lawyers as quickly and as often here. Plus I do not have the funds for a lawyer right now (long story which I've gotten into in other posts).

What I'm already doing... the 180 and making him move his stuff out is already rattling him. I can see that he sees that I have changed.

I have already moved on in my mind and my heart... I am focused on building my business, creating an awesome life for myself, and taking care of my kids.


Me: BS 42
Him: WH 53
OW: desperate, lonely and trashy widow, 60
Together: 18 years
Married: 15 years
3 kids: 14, 11 and 8
D-day #1 6/10/13
False R
D-day #2 9/8/13

Separate bedrooms, same house and he is still with OW.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013
prowoman
♀ Member
Member # 40761
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But really... what woman is so desperate that she'll settle for an occasional quicky in the park (I know they don't see each other much, but talk/text every day)... with a man who she knows is M with 3 young kids at home and he keeps telling her he'll never leave me.

I feel the same way about my WH's OW. I feel our situations are pretty similar, only your WH is open about not wanting to end his A, mine is more of an undergrounder. In the same boat as you. I'm not ready to kick him out, but I started the 180 as well. I just realized my letting him get away with the shit and being the good wife is settling for his shit just as the OW is. Stay strong with your 180 and start seriously separating yourself from a guy that would think it's okay to treat you like that! I will try hard to take my own advice as well.


me: BS 39 | stbxWH: 46
DD14, DS2
DDAY: Aug12... A continued "underground"
Separated Nov13 and Divorcing
OC Born May 14

Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2013
sueonthemove
♀ New Member
Member # 41145
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way about my WH's OW. I feel our situations are pretty similar, only your WH is open about not wanting to end his A, mine is more of an undergrounder. In the same boat as you. I'm not ready to kick him out, but I started the 180 as well. I just realized my letting him get away with the shit and being the good wife is settling for his shit just as the OW is. Stay strong with your 180 and start seriously separating yourself from a guy that would think it's okay to treat you like that! I will try hard to take my own advice as well.

Nice to meet you I look forward to supporting each other as we weave our way through the craziness.


Me: BS 42
Him: WH 53
OW: desperate, lonely and trashy widow, 60
Together: 18 years
Married: 15 years
3 kids: 14, 11 and 8
D-day #1 6/10/13
False R
D-day #2 9/8/13

Separate bedrooms, same house and he is still with OW.


Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another 2x4 here -
Gently, what is it you hope to accomplish?
Obviously, you want your M, correct?
Or would you rather know your WH is still sleeping with his OW and keeping you around as his security blanket?
Him treating you this way is infuriating to me. I will be angry for you.
You cannot keep this up. It's unacceptable. It's showing him you are weak and vulnerable.
Fuck that.
YOU deserve a M that is loving, welcoming, you deserve to be #1 in his life.
Kick his ass out. File for D. You do not have to go through with this - just show him you won't accept this BS.
You have to be in control. You have to be willing to lose the M to save it.
If he isn't willing to be monogamous, and give up his mistress - can you live with that?!
This will prove it. He will either wake up and do whatever it is YOU need him to - or not.
Hugs.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another approach, rather than 'risk your M to save it', is to recognize your M is over.

OK...it's easier to tell someone to throw the bum out than to do it.

But you certainly can do this:

1) No more sex with him. (That is, don't start again.)
2) Get yourself tested for STDs.
3) If you test negative, tell him you stopped sex because of your STD tests. Don't explain.
4) Sue the so-and-so if you test positive.
5) See a lawyer to determine your rights and obligations.

T/J - JustJim, Unless you're planning to sue for D on the basis of your W's adultery, what more proof do you need?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10334 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sue, I know you aren't ready, and that's OK. Better that you do it when are ready and you mean it--when you know you WILL NOT accept this behavior, that you would rather be alone than share him. Do the 180, focus on the kids.

I would consult a lawyer, though. You need to think about protecting yourself financially. Be prepared.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8824 | Registered: Jan 2008
Topic Posts: 37
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