"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
I'm in the Hefty Bag His Ass camp.
Nothing says "Bakery Closed!" quite like coming home to a lawn of green garbage bags.
"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!
I have breifly seen some of your posts Sue, but your WH is totally screwing with your head. I supposed his head isn't screwed on so tight right now either.
My H claimed to just want me...but couldn't break it off initially. Two words
All his stuff went to his parents front lawn. I refused to let him watch me bleed out on the floor.
I hope you find your worth, because he has lost his.
Stand up for you and demand better.
Hefty bag his shit.
File for divorce.
I realize it seems insanely counterintuitive, but you must be willing to end the marriage in order to save it.
And even then, for every minute he continues to do this to you, it will take a month for you to recover from it. I meant that sincerely. In the early days so many BSs just want their spouse to come home. But let me tell you that even though I have reconciled, it is a nightmare's worth of work and energy. And the more shit he piles onto you, the more shit you have to recover and heal from. Stop the shit.
I know you are just getting your feet under you now. But go for shock and awe. Expose the affair. Kick him out. File.
I WAS still having sex with him (best sex ever, crazy but true) even though I knew he was still with her. Somehow, I thought maybe I could just be ok with it... but of course... how could I possibly??
Then last Monday, I had a big meltdown, was crying and being needy... then I found this forum, started the 180 and he has been sleeping in the spare room ever since.
I told him by text this morning that I wanted him to move the rest of his stuff out of MY bedroom. He said he would.
I then told him I wanted him to move out, and no I wasn't going to wait until after Christmas and he said "no". He said he'd move out when HE decides he wants to and he has no plans to do so.
Whatever. As each day passes, I get further away, I'm sticking to the 180 (as best I can), and truly, deep down I feel that I'll probably be better off without him.
Thank you all again, so much.
Separate bedrooms, same house and he is still with OW.
He said no. Oh Sue, Um, I don't think so.
I know you don't seem ready, but listen to me (us) please. Why would you even consider being his fall back plan?
I'm sorry, I just don't get this. I would love to be supportive, but your WH needs "help" un-lodging his head from the deep recesses of his ASS!
Please, before he gets the idea to begin helping the poor, poor, black widow financially. You have to take action.
Start transferring money into your name only. ESPECIALLY if you have children to protect. Then call the Attorney. You simply have got to get your head out of the sand, and call bullshit here.
I hope you can take the sadness out of it and get pissed. Really? He doesn't want to be monogamous?
As the song goes, "Who died and made him the king of everything"!
Unless you like your new position, do something about it. You DO have the power.
His stuff, throw it and him to the curb, and have locks added to the doors. Some places you can't "change" them. But apparently, you can "Add" them.
Until you do this, "This is your life".
Completely your choice.
Edited to add:
You are teaching your children that this is acceptable. Is it? Do you want this for them?
[This message edited by fourever at 1:35 PM, November 1st (Friday)]
Always, tell the other BS! Always!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!
Sounds like you have no choice but to visit with some attorneys.
He's bullying you - you know that, right?
He said he'd move out when HE decides he wants to
If it was me:
1. get a lawyer
2. draft papers for D
3. change the locks when he's going to be away
4. sit down with the kids and explain why Daddy has to be away from home; kids are more resilient than people think (looking back I was glad I did not grow up with a cheating father)
5. keep posting here for support
6. continue 180
I mean, in your case, he was very clear he doesn't want a monogamous relationship, he also was not vague about what he wants. It's like staying with someone who doesn't even pretend to care for you and tells you so and yet we stay... supposedly for our kids which I learned thankfully early on when I found this forums was complete bullsh*t. I was just scared and my ego was blown to bits. When I saw that my FWH was more sneaking phone calls cause he was more concerned about the multiple OW and their BS feelings than mine, I flipped out. I wanted out then and my FWH saw it clearly in my eyes and that's when he got desperate to have me back. When he realized I may need him, but I don't WANT him. I even told him he can have the house, I'll pay him monthly and he can have kids 50/50... he told me no to all of them and turned his life around and told me all the other stuff I didn't even know. That final confession of all "sins" is what helped us truly start R.
I guess what I'm saying is, he's made it clear that he can manipulate you; that he doesn't care about you; that he will continue to lie. What more motivation do you want besides picking up a rock and hitting your head with it?
I'm sorry for your situation. I feel for you. I've felt helpless during those times as well. It just sucks period. But action on our part can overcome that sucky feeling. We're adults. We can't control our husbands, but we can control our happiness, our self-respect, ourselves.
Hugs your way.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
What I'm already doing... the 180 and making him move his stuff out is already rattling him. I can see that he sees that I have changed.
I have already moved on in my mind and my heart... I am focused on building my business, creating an awesome life for myself, and taking care of my kids.
But really... what woman is so desperate that she'll settle for an occasional quicky in the park (I know they don't see each other much, but talk/text every day)... with a man who she knows is M with 3 young kids at home and he keeps telling her he'll never leave me.
I feel the same way about my WH's OW. I feel our situations are pretty similar, only your WH is open about not wanting to end his A, mine is more of an undergrounder. In the same boat as you. I'm not ready to kick him out, but I started the 180 as well. I just realized my letting him get away with the shit and being the good wife is settling for his shit just as the OW is. Stay strong with your 180 and start seriously separating yourself from a guy that would think it's okay to treat you like that! I will try hard to take my own advice as well.
Nice to meet you I look forward to supporting each other as we weave our way through the craziness.
Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.
OK...it's easier to tell someone to throw the bum out than to do it.
But you certainly can do this:
1) No more sex with him. (That is, don't start again.)
2) Get yourself tested for STDs.
3) If you test negative, tell him you stopped sex because of your STD tests. Don't explain.
4) Sue the so-and-so if you test positive.
5) See a lawyer to determine your rights and obligations.
T/J - JustJim, Unless you're planning to sue for D on the basis of your W's adultery, what more proof do you need?
I would consult a lawyer, though. You need to think about protecting yourself financially. Be prepared.