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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: how can they not get it?
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had court again yesterday, and my stbxww , who I constantly let bait me , shows the judge all our text messages. I didn't care because I never once initiated a text and I never once threatened in any way but I do use sarcasm and my anger resonates in my words . So the judge decides to read them out loud in court! my stbxww is calm and methodical , no emotion or remorse. She will tell me in text that I am in a mid-life crisis and I will then go into her lies and family destruction! I told her to keep her fag boyfriend away from my kids and I ended by calling her by her boyfriends last name!!!! so since she managed to get an order of protection against me ,and ended her text by saying that she feels threatened by my words, the judge says that this is threatening and I will be arrested if it happens again. I said there is nothing threatening in my words and that I was hurt by my stbxww infidelity and that I feel I said nothing wrong and I would say it again! my lawyer was pissed at me but the judge then gave me a speech about how I should rise up and set a good example for my kids!!!!!!! I stood quiet and said nothing else ! I wanted to say

Me? I should set a good example for my kids? I am a loyal, hard, working , loving father and husband who never cheated and I am fighting for custody of my kids so they are not victim to my stbxww sociopathic behavior . I never once threatened violence or raised my hands to anyone even after catching her in a hotel room at 2am!!!!! my stbxww lied , cheated and stole, she destroyed our dreams and our children!!!! and I should set a good example????? I am ! I am teaching my kids to fight for what they believe in at all costs and to not let someone, anyone step all over you even if you love them!!! I am teaching them honor, pride , integrity, loyalty, love unconditional!!!! she taught the opposite! she fucking ran ...dam I am so pissed . how can they not see this or not care? sorry about the rant thanks guys


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 682 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. That just sucks. I'm in the anger stage as well, and have a really hard time not answering to her shit. We just have to keep trying.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2110 | Registered: Jan 2013
crushed47
♂ Member
Member # 33574
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, they don't get it. I had a similar experience in that I sent an email to my then stbxww with some family photos of what she was destroying. I received emails and phone calls from attorneys telling me that this was inappropriate and should not happen again lest there be consequences. And I was dumbstruck at how my email was such an issue but her infidelity, deceit, lies and outright theft weren't. It was enough to make me question the sanity of the world. So, Thefly, I hear you loud and clear. Hang in there, it does get better. Trust me on this.

Posts: 236 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Central Pennsylvania
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So you're not going to communicate with her without running it by your lawyer from now on, right? FYI, that's what I've had to do for close to two years. Almost all direct to STBX communication has been run by my lawyer first, and for exactly the reason of what just happened to you.

I'm sorry, man.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They can't get it because they haven't experienced it.

I get it. I do. Sarcasm is my family's first language. And as hard as it is, I had to wrap it up and stick it on a shelf during the D. You can't rise to the bait, honey. She's counting on it and, as unfair as it is, the judge has put you on notice.

SHIELDS UP, thefly. All the way up.

Sending you strength.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25766 | Registered: Aug 2011
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this shows that something is wrong with the system of justice in this country. I'm starting to feel that adultery leading to the destruction of a family unit should be a crime. I sure felt like a victim, like I was hit by a bus I never saw coming, and that I was powerless to avoid.

And further, I never have received reparation for this tragedy that tore apart my life. Quite the contrary, I'm suppose to be the strong one, not make a scene in front of the kids and lead the effort for divorce, knowing divorce will result in financial disaster.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this shows that something is wrong with the system of justice in this country. I'm starting to feel that adultery leading to the destruction of a family unit should be a crime. I sure felt like a victim, like I was hit by a bus I never saw coming, and that I was powerless to avoid.
And further, I never have received reparation for this tragedy that tore apart my life. Quite the contrary, I'm suppose to be the strong one, not make a scene in front of the kids and lead the effort for divorce, knowing divorce will result in financial disaster.

Here's a t/j, but I think you're absolutely right. In any other case of a broken contract (which is what marriage is, a supposedly legally binding contract that we even sign!), there would be actual penalties levied against the party who broke the contract. If I hire someone to mow my lawn and they put herbicide on my grass instead and some of the aerial drift goes into my flower beds & kills my flowers, too, I could sue them. I would get financial compensation, they would have a black mark against them. They might even go out of business. And no one would cluck their tongue at me and tell me that killing grass is just what gardeners do sometimes, I should just get used to it, grass can be regrown, people have dead lawns all the time in France...

But my husband? He can cheat on me, destroy my family, destroy my future, ruin my health, repeatedly lie on the witness stand, and has virtually NO consequences? He totally breaks that marriage contract? Oh well, no biggie. I can't even say in open court what he did? I can't present my evidence? We can't even mention anything? Because we don't want to ruin his reputation should a hypothetical future employer mysteriously decide to go through public court records when conducting a hypothetical background check? So ruining a family is less important than ruining a lawn???


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
msk99
♂ Member
Member # 29293
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The system is screwed, plain and simple. This is just another painful example on how flawed it is. Feel bad for you man, keep your chin up!!


BS (Me): 40 STBXWW (Her): 40
M: 15 Years, 2 Awesome Boys
Divorced

Five simple rules of happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.


Posts: 712 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Alberta
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you loud and clear! Nobody, even A JUDGE, hold WS's accountable. It really sucks.

twokids and NG are on to something. They always tell us to treat D as a business transaction and we still get screwed in the end.

Sigh. I'm sorry you went through that TheFly559. That truly sucked.


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bro, if your looking for some kind of justice here. Just forget about it right off the bat. Whenever you have a court order against you its best to follow it to the letter. Matter of fact don't say anything to her that does not pertain to kids or finances. Texts and e-mails can be misinterpreted and manipulated. And don't think a judge will not throw your ass in jail if you violate his order. I know it sucks and I know your angry. But do yourself a favor and go NC with that bitch. I've been in your shoes and trust me the best thing is to keep your comments to yourself. Join a gym and beat the shit out of a heavy bag, go to the range and blast a few hundred rounds in her picture. Run, jog, lift weights, work like hell. But whatever you do, don't engage her because she is setting you up. And your playing right into her game. If you think your getting hosed now, wait till the D comes along. If you have a history of violating court orders I can guarantee you that you will be screwed even more in the settlement. Just stop engaging her in mindless banter. Kids and finances, kids and finances, kids and finances. That's all my brother. Good luck.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5732 | Registered: Nov 2007
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Thefly))) I totally sympathize with everything you and the others have said and I feel horrible about the way you are being interpreted and treated. The laws really do need to be changed in my mind, too.

That being said, I also totally have to second what Stronger08 has said. NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC except as necessary about kids and finances. That refrain was running on a loop through my mind as I read this thread. I'm sorry.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2388 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From Stronger08

Kids and finances, kids and finances, kids and finances. That's all my brother. Good luck.

To add to his words, make EVERY word very businesslike, no sarcasm, anger, or ANYTHING personal.

I had a person close to me have a permanent RO put on him because a business associate knew too much of his personal history. She used it against him with twisted facts.
BE VERY CAREFUL !!!
Hugs and I know how much you want to fuck with her...we all have been there with our XS but you legally can't.
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20383 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My state requires a parenting class that pretty much says you're a POS for getting divorced if you have kids. I had to clench my teeth and white knuckle through, as if I had somehow been careless or shortsighted in deciding to divorce a cheating, lying jerk that never gave a thought to those very kids while he pursued extramarital carnal pleasure. How in the hell can the court system say a person is a good parent when they so carelessly throw out their family??? Risked their childrens privacy and safety and security? Your post made me sick for you. Well at least you can hold your head up and live with yourself knowing you are imparting the right values to your kids.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And when you do need to respond... Wait at least a couple of hours before responding. This will give you time to cool off and it will either bother her that you are not jumping when she says jump or it shows her that you won't take the bait any more.

D is a battle field. It really sucks to have to take the "highest of high roads" but just remember the end goal is your kids they need you. After the D is final there will be no judge there to read text msgs and etc.

Trust me. I understand your frustration and pain. During temp. custody hearing my exwh questioned my sanity on the stand because I was taking ADs from the fall out of his cheating. I was told that my moving with the kids to my parents house because I had been a SAHM for 6 years and had an infant that couldn't be placed in daycare was a bigger betrayal then his cheating. That I need to just get over the A. I was accused of wanting the kids college funds ($1000) because I had wasted all of my money so I wanted to spend theirs too. The paternity of the kids were question. I could go on and on.... They want a reaction out of you because they want to take everything from you.

Please protect yourself and the kids. Don't take the bait. If you need to, vent here what you want to say to here. Don't take her phone calls, only text messages and emails so that everything is documented.

((The fly))


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 651 | Registered: Jan 2012
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Fly,

It's so darn hard. I got baited a few times in the first few mediation sessions by the other lawyer, but I will work very hard to not allow it again.

It's so hard when emotions are raw and all of our personal stuff might come out in court. I can only imagine what will come out during our turn, I'm sure XPervert has it all, probably under Ow's pillow.

Self control is a thing in and of itself and I imagine for my turn I will probably just cry.

It sounds like you were baited and what's sad is some systems don't even care about the infidelity or moral issues, as we do, just the business of dissolving assets and bank accounts.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2289 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
laney57
♀ Member
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fly,
Sending strength to you and am so sorry. NC, no matter what she says...
What a horrible person! So angry for you!!


Update 09/28/14
Me - BS, 44
Him - WH, 46
Married - 23 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me still
Gotta do this, but I'm broken - headed for divorce - 02/20
Hell if I know - 02/24
Divorcing 09/28/14

Posts: 230 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to stick to strict NC. You are hurting yourself here. You are hurting your case too.

Stop helping her fuck you over. Strict NC, like yesterday.

I too struggled with not unleashing hell on him. What helped me was reminding myself that anything I said to him, any emotion, anything - was giving him my power.

Fuck that shit.

I used to have to sit on my hands to resist - now it is as easy as breathing. NC will help you detach - you simply will not be able to detach if you keep up the contact.

You will find peace, I promise you that.

For now, listen to your L, DO NOT CONTACT STBXWW and focus on what you can do legally to protect your kids and yourself.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
osxgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And to help you with following what all the others here have said, think of it this way:

When she engages you and you respond with anger, you have given her the ego kibbles she wants, along with helping her in the D. It reinforces to her that she is still the center of your world, that she and what she does still matters to you, and that she is in control. That you are still available as a backup if she really wants it, because it's obvious you still care.

Do you really want to give her that?

If you don't take the bait, trust me, it will royally piss her off. Even if you don't see the reaction, she will be fuming inside.

Eventually, none of that will matter. You really won't care. But in the meantime, use your anger to your advantage, and fight back - but fight back smart. Don't respond to her crap, because being cool and calm and collected when she throws this stuff at you is the best possible way to get even with her for it.

You need to play the long game here.

ETA: Oh, and all those things you WANT to say to her? Come here and vent them to your heart's content. It helps, really it does.

[This message edited by osxgirl at 6:40 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 2405 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to thank ALL of you guys and gals for your words . The infidelity with no remorse is tough for me to swallow . If anyone here personally knew me than you guys would know how far I have come with control of my emotions . She knows the buttons she helped build me , so she thinks she can tear me down. I screw up sometimes I know but I thought as long as I do not initiate the text that I was ok with NC. I realize now that responding in any fashion breaks NC too! Dam sometimes I just want A little zinger, just something to let her know what a piece of crap she has become! I really have to control that. I have therapy on tuesday I think my therapist will not be happy when I tell her this . We are working hard to get past this mess. You guys are so right and I can't thank you enough for being there and understanding when nobody else seems to. I am sorry we are all here and I can guarantee when this is all over for me that I will find a way to give back just as the creators of this site have! Thanks again


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 682 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Thefly)))

It is soooo unfair. The system is so effing flawed. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

Don't make the same mistakes I made. I gave him access to my heart and feelings for probably 3 years after he walked out, practically begging him for remorse. I never really got any. Just half assed pathetic and meaningless apologies. It took me a long time for my mind to accept the fact that he is just a shitty fucking human being.

So now I'm at the point where I don't talk to him. Period. If I want to switch a weekend, I find someone else to help or I cancel my plans. It sucks but it's better than communicating with him. If he asks/tells me something that doesn't require an answer or it is something he can figure out on his own, he gets no response. The only things I respond to are questions like, "Can I drop the kids off early?" etc. Because they require an answer. I actually play a game with myself now called "Let's see how few words I can use in answering this jag-off." lol Anytime I get the urge to be sarcastic or tell him to fuck off I repeat a saying I heard on S.I. over and over in my head, "Don't pet the drama llama." At first it is hard but it gets easier the more you do it. :)


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
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