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Newest Member: tryingtoR (44315)

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User Topic: Giving up control
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a planner. I make lists, I execute, I cross off, I move on.

Unfortunately for me, dealing with the fallout of WHs affairs is not something I can just put an X next to. I still feel love for him, but there is no trust and little respect and that's just not enough for a sucessful future.

He seems genuinely remorseful, but I'm really feeling like this is all too little too late. I believe he loves me, but I also believe he is very afraid of losing his the security of a marriage, family unit, etc. and his talk of R is much more about his fear of the future than a desire to be with me.

He says he has a plan to prove me wrong.

I'd like to fix this, because that's what I do. Instead. I'm sitting on my hands along the sidelines doing a lot of nodding and watching to see if all the nice words are followed by any concrete action.

This is really, really hard.



Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 283 | Registered: Sep 2013
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is. We control-freaks just have to remember that we can only control ourselves. The more we try to control our FWS, the more they end up tripping and causing more problems. I set boundaries and clear rules to my FWH when we started R. For each one there are consequences to them that I did not say what to him but I know in my head what I will do if broken. I did not tell my FWH HOW he was going to follow the rules, or WHEN he should. If he wants clarification then I will give, otherwise, yes we step back and we work on ourselves and let them prove to us that they are worth the R.

Hugs your way.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Simple. I can't even bring myself to make the rules, let alone enforce them. I'm done with that. He's a big boy. If there is any hope of him geting his head out of his ass, he needs to figure it out without my help. I jump in and fix things when he gets frustrated. Nope, not this time. It's time for him to prove that he understands what needs to be done and is willing to do it without me leading him along. I'm along for the ride right now, I am not willing to drive the bus any longer.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 283 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 3

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