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User Topic: Hearing this crap makes me not even want him anymore - vent
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It may just be the feelings of hopelessness, despair, rage, anger and just remembering life with WH and going on my FB and reliving the moments, recalling the memories during the time that he cheated, but reading what he has to say about the A (we're texting back and forth atm), just makes me not want to try anymore.

I spoke with a friend who is a life coach and she told me that it's not really HIM that I'm angry at or even depressed at, it's me that I'm angry at and me that I'm despairing over: I'm angry that I was acting like a faithful spouse, being true to my vows, restricting myself from doing, saying or even being myself because I had just "assumed" that he would do the same for me. I'm angry at myself for thinking he and I were on the same page, and we weren't and so I was acting in accordance to a belief that was really based on lies and deceit. When I took my vows, I was serious about them. When WH took his vows, it was all situational and at the whims of his feelings. And so I'm angry and depressed because that I was my life and I did everything for him that I thought I could/should and I could've been out living my life, raising my daughter by myself and not wasting time on him at all.

I'm not articulating this right, I don't think. This is not to say I blame him for my shitty choices, I blame myself because I made choices in restricting myself, lessening myself, disrespecting myself and degrading myself, and he didn't do the same for me (not necessarily degrading himself or disrespecting himself). It's just - when he asked me to do things - there was no discussion or argument; a lot of things, I just did because I thought I "loved" him and that if I asked him to make a sacrifice for me, he would because I thought he "loved" me just as much.

No, such action. He argued and fought me on what I needed/asked him to do, but had no qualms making known (or in his roundabout passive-agressive way) what he wanted, and if I challenged him, it would be another fight or a manipulation on his part to get what he wanted (silent treatment, more arguments, hanging outside of the home more, just stupid, nitpicky shit).

I thought he loved me so I endured it. Now, I know he didn't love me the way I thought he did and so now, I hate him, but I hate myself more because WHY DIDN'T I JUST LEAVE? Why did I see this stupid shit and just keep hanging on? Why am I hanging on now when I feel like all hope is lost?

I bounce from one emotion to another, and this all just hurts too much.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bounce from one emotion to another, and this all just hurts too much.

Please don't beat yourself up over it. I bounce from one emotion to another several times an hour sometimes.

Hope, hurt, despair, rage, love, and hate are an endless cycle.

Doing 180 is giving me a way to channel some of the emotions and put other ones on the back burner (at least in front of her).

Good wishes sent your way.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ShockedErica11)))

How is your WH treating you today?

I always have to remind myself of how WH is today because when I think about who he was during the A and False R I don't want mine either.

I seem to always bounce between depression and sadness back to anger again. This ride is an awful ride for sure.

One day at a time!


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How is your WH treating you today?

Do you ever have that moment when you just don't know the answer to this question? Like, he's doing things, but I can't tell if they're the "right" things because I'm just too hurt to "see" if they're right or wrong?

Today just hurts that damn bad.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please don't beat yourself up over it. I bounce from one emotion to another several times an hour sometimes.

Hope, hurt, despair, rage, love, and hate are an endless cycle.

I wonder if a person can 180 themselves?

It is me beating myself up, but also coming to realize I've made some really stupid, messed up choices and that I'm struggling to be where I am right now, but where I am at this current moment really, really hurts.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please be kind to yourself. You will have to come to forgive yourself, too. I know I beat myself up, as well, for not being smart enough to figure out what was going on, not handling things the right way, etc etc ad nauseum. You know what? You just have to let it go. Understand yourself and why you made those choices... and move on. We cannot live in regret. You did what you did for all of the right reasons. You trusted, unwisely sure, but... I guess I feel like that's the high road. You did what you should do in a marriage, what we as women are trained to do. If your WH had been a good man, sacrifices would have been worthwhile, although it does sound like he beat you down -- that's on him.

You will feel so much stronger when you take control of this situation and do what YOU need to do.

Strength to you.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Aug 2012
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, November 1st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you ever have that moment when you just don't know the answer to this question? Like, he's doing things, but I can't tell if they're the "right" things because I'm just too hurt to "see" if they're right or wrong?

Today just hurts that damn bad.

Oh god yes those are the days my WH tells me that there isn't one thing he could do to make things better.

It does hurt bad. Some days the pain is more crippling than others. I find that as more time passes the less it hurts. I don't think there is any easy way through or out of surviving infidelity. I'm sorry you are hurting today.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 7

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