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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: And so, here I am
Struggling3005
♀ New Member
Member # 41111
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone, sorry to meet in such unfortunate circumstances. This is my first post, so bear with me.

D-day for me was 09/08 of this year, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I casually picked up WH's phone to send myself a picture of our son he had taken the night before, and the phone opened to the last screen he had open from the night before which was a text message convo with someone named "Mike". It included naked female pictures and ended with "good night beautiful". I was shocked. I'm still shocked. Every time I think about it, I honestly don't know how I got here. Anyway, turns out "mike" was actually the girl who lived below us. There had been a physical affair going on between them for a little over 6 months. After finding out, I pulled up his phone records and found another number that he contacted quite often that I didn't know and it was listed as "Larry". Surprise surprise, turned out to be another woman. Someone from his home town that he had met while there on work, and he had had a physical and emotional affair with her.

I have contacted both of them, but I just can't get over the rage. Literal, actual rage. I feel so stupid for thinking that our marriage was happy. I'm pregnant for crying out loud. WH appears to be very remorseful. He's offered up his phone at any time, ceased all contact with them, says he doesn't know why he did it, but this is where he wants to be.

I guess I just needed to get it all out there. I've told no one, and the pain and anger and confusion are eating me alive. I just don't know where to go from here. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. :)


Posts: 15 | Registered: Oct 2013
Fireflies
♀ Member
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Struggling. I don't have any sage advice to offer you as my DDay was only about a month before yours and I am still on the emotional roller coaster. But I wanted to offer you my support and let you know you are not alone and you will get through this. I was also pregnant when I discovered my WH's infidelity. Please take care of yourself. Check out the healing library, there is a lot of great info there. Make sure you eat. Post and read often. There are many fantastic people here, who have been in your shoes, to offer support, advice, and encouragement. I'm so sorry you are going through this.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
Struggling3005
♀ New Member
Member # 41111
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the response Fireflies. I'm sorry you are in a similar situation. It's a horrible place to be, considering what a happy time this should be.

I'm definitely doing my best to take care of myself, and he has been trying to do so as well, I just worry about the anxiety. I'm not sure what an anxiety attack feels like, but I think I have experienced a few since DDay, and I know that's not good for the baby.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Oct 2013
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are going thru this, especially being preggers, but I do have some words of advice: watch his actions and don't pay attention to his words. Many of us have heard the sweet words of remorse, the words we want to hear, but they end up acting in a very different manner. Words are cheap, but actions speak volumes!!

((Struggling))


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1120 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
MarriedATrainee
♀ New Member
Member # 41140
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart aches for you. I have two small children and can't imagine having found what you did while pregnant. Kids are resilient, even in utero so know your little bean is probably ok.

My d day was in early September as well but my wh isn't getting what the problem is. I'm glad yours offered you his phone and cut off ties, even just recognizing those are appropriate actions seems good to me.

Are you going to counseling, either as a couple or just yourself? I haven't been able to yet as the universe is busy taking a giant dump on my otherwise charmed life but I've found so much comfort in a book called "Not Just Friends." I picked it because the author is pro-marriage and seems to believe a marriage can be better after infidelity if everyone is willing to work hard at it.

Is this our first child?

I'm so so so sorry you're feeling such pain. Rub your beautiful belly (no matter how big or small) and know you're not alone... You have your bean and you have us here.

[This message edited by MarriedATrainee at 1:48 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]


Me:BW
Him:WH
Married: 7 yes
DS: 5 & 2
DD:Oct 2013 I think
Trying to R but loosing faith

I thought people talked about their problems in marriages. I thought he had my back ... He did, it was attached to the knife in his hand.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Oct 2013
Nailinmyforehead
♂ Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 3:40 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are going through this Struggling. This is a sucky wild ride you are on. My wife did the same thing with the phone and then telling me she was sorry and this was where she wanted to be, but make sure he gets to the bottom of why he thought this was ok. As said before, watch actions. You're in my prayers.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
Struggling3005
♀ New Member
Member # 41111
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone already for the support. I know this is a common event, but it's amazing how alone it makes me feel.

MarriedaTrainee, we haven't started counseling yet either, for similar reasons. This is actually our second and third child (twins) so we've been in transition to a new home, changing my work schedule, and dealing with lots of doctor visits. I knew I wanted counseling, but he suggested it which I take as a good sign. And I'm definitely going to check out that book. Thanks :)

Phoenix and Nailinmyforehead, I agree actions definitely speak louder than words. Luckily his actions have been matching the words. He's answered every question I have, but I'm guessing it's normal to feel like there is more to the story than he's telling me?


Posts: 15 | Registered: Oct 2013
AlexFL
♂ Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear of your situation. I have been dealing with a serial cheater that I don't know what to do with. He wants to R and is frustrated that I am not willing to do anymore to pacify his demons. This is not something I caused. If there were things in the relationship he needed or wanted- he should have asked. Instead betrayal cuts so deep. I actually still love him even after all this however when I add up all the situations that come flooding into my head I am filled with Rage and feel stupid. I think the first time they cheat they probably carry the most guilt. I do believe it gets easier for them after that.

We have 3 kids and I thought we did have a beautiful relationship - best friends even, but infidelity infests every part of your bring and although you remember the good times they are definitely shadowed by all of this.

We have small kids and this is the second time we separated bc of his infidelity. It hurts me and the children. It's a very selfish act.

I don't believe the relationship. An become better after this - I believe it requires the betrayed to feel we need to cater to their every whim or Ooops our fault they needed to get their d$&ks wet. (Sorry I'm getting angry as I type)

I'm angry for all of us. This could all be avoided if they spoke up. Said they quit. Been honest. I don't get it. If you want to have an affair, leave your partner. Tell them you no longer want to be with them. Step up and be honest. They could literally kill us by not having protected sex. I believe there should be a law that we could sue them for putting us in a situation that could kill us and not being man enough to tell us the truth.

Men suck. Don't trust them. Don't forgive them. Live with them if you have to but don't ever let your guard down. I let mine down and BAM-- I'm an idiot once again.


Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
AlexFL
♂ Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear of your situation. I have been dealing with a serial cheater that I don't know what to do with. He wants to R and is frustrated that I am not willing to do anymore to pacify his demons. This is not something I caused. If there were things in the relationship he needed or wanted- he should have asked. Instead betrayal cuts so deep. I actually still love him even after all this however when I add up all the situations that come flooding into my head I am filled with Rage and feel stupid. I think the first time they cheat they probably carry the most guilt. I do believe it gets easier for them after that.

We have 3 kids and I thought we did have a beautiful relationship - best friends even, but infidelity infests every part of your bring and although you remember the good times they are definitely shadowed by all of this.

We have small kids and this is the second time we separated bc of his infidelity. It hurts me and the children. It's a very selfish act.

I don't believe the relationship. An become better after this - I believe it requires the betrayed to feel we need to cater to their every whim or Ooops our fault they needed to get their d$&ks wet. (Sorry I'm getting angry as I type)

I'm angry for all of us. This could all be avoided if they spoke up. Said they quit. Been honest. I don't get it. If you want to have an affair, leave your partner. Tell them you no longer want to be with them. Step up and be honest. They could literally kill us by not having protected sex. I believe there should be a law that we could sue them for putting us in a situation that could kill us and not being man enough to tell us the truth.

Men suck. Don't trust them. Don't forgive them. Live with them if you have to but don't ever let your guard down. I let mine down and BAM-- I'm an idiot once again.


Posts: 146 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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