I feel like it should be irrelevant... but it isn't. If I suspect she has blocked it out that could be a severe sign of a personality disorder... but I can't make her realize that... thanks something better discovered in individual therapy, that she is going to.
Do I wait until I'm completely detached and don't care anymore?
Any advice would be helpful...
Me: BS / 40 Father of 2 Boys
Her: WS / 39 Mother / at least 6 Op
Us: Married 18 yrs / Together 23 yrs
Paper worked filed
I know for me I went through many stages of grief, one of which was an anger phase. That came and went for a few years. I was ready to forgive around year 5 after DD (18 year marraige).
My forgiveness is like indifference. I am not hooked into that person any longer.
Her? She needs to be remorseful. She needs to show you with actions that she wishes to be accountable to herself, to you, to your marriage.
Only when you have both can you start thinking about forgiveness - which is really just indifference. The day will come with successful R or D, where the As won''t be what dominates your mind or drives your actions. On that day, then you can say you''ve forgiven.
People talk about forgiveness being an act. You graciously choose to absolve someone. But I disagree. Forgiveness is directly tied to the impact of the bad action. You eat the last piece of cake? An hour later I''ve forgotten & yeah, sure now I laugh about it and "forgive" you.
You fuck 50 other people during the course of our marriage? Um. I don''t predict forgiveness for many years to come and in order to think about getting it, you Mr. Betrayer, won''t be in my life because that''s the only way indifference will arrive. When everything about you has been replaced by something better in my life.
And I''m almost there, you can be too if necessary. Don''t fear your future now that you have the truth. Walk through it. Head held high. You may get R. You may get D. But either way, you *will* be ok.
[This message edited by cayc at 8:13 AM, November 2nd, 2013 (Saturday)]
It does NOT mean that they are not accountable for their actions. It does NOT mean you should forget the events. It is part of the healing process for you. It took me about 2 years before I was able to forgive. I still hurt, he knows I hurt. I still have not forgotten and will probably never forget. But I feel better.
As for knowing the rest of the story. You may never know it, you probably will not. Betrayal is one of the worse things that can happen and it is natural to want to know the extent. I have finally decided it really will not change me or our situation if I know "everything". There are some things I chose not to ask because I didn't want to know. I believe coming to that realization also helped me to move to forgiveness.
Hugs to you. I hope you find some peace.
The first person who so wronged me was my grandfather who molested me for TEN years. It took decades for me to even start talking about what he did, and another decade or two before I was able to start the active forgiveness process. I can honestly say that I've reached forgiveness and healing from what he did.
The other person who wronged me is my husband/STBX. My forgiveness towards him is still a work in progress. I am working on it, but it's not anywhere near complete. As I work on myself via IC I am more capable of working through the damage he did to me & the kids and can find understanding. Understanding leads to forgiveness if you choose.
I have settled in my soul that I may not be in a state of total forgiveness by the time I die. I have to trust that God knows my heart and intentions.
"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
Editing to add: It took 2 years to fully forgive the first time (2007). Not sure how long it will take this time, but I know it can be done.
[This message edited by MakingLemonade at 4:05 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]