I can't decide if it is true or a cop-out. If we choose our duty, that should make it lighter. The choices that we make are not "duty" or a "burden". Attitude has a lot to do with it. If you abandon your duty to others and they pick it up, that is your choice as well. Choices. Ownership of ones actions. Responsibility. I don't envy those who abandon ownership of the choices that they have made. I feel sadness for the emptiness that must result from those choices. It is a wasted sadness because they don't welcome any recognition of their loss.
So, I let it go and wonder. Duty loved is lighter than a feather and the loss of your burden heavier than a mountain.
duty can be pretty damned heavy but it's your duty - it must be done. And if mountains must be moved, then move the damned mountains.
I get it. Both ways, I get it.
Recently, we became foster parents to my 5yo grand niece and 3yo grand nephew. Neglect and abuse from birth has not made them the easiest of children to work with. Wal and I are enjoying them immensely. They are sponges that love to learn and are eager for stability.
Throw in an addict bio-mom and a narcissistic/borderline bio-grandma and it starts to get ugly. Somehow over the 3 months that we have had the children, Wal and I have become the bad guys in their drama. We were asked to take them by these women. We have been working hard to undo the damage. We have been to doctor after doctor. Meetings and trainings. We make reports regularly regarding the kids. We have been available for supervised visits. (Willing to take the children where they needed to go.)
Yet, these two women haven't made an effort to see the children. They are not working with DCS, they are lying and partying and blaming us for "taking the kids away."
Reality check: they abandoned those children with their choices.
Bah. I keep reminding myself that their trauma is not my problem. I just have to keep the kids safe, happy and loved. God willing Wal and I can at least do that. They are innocent. None of the crap that the other adults in their lives subjected them too should be allowed to touch them in our home.
That was the situation that I was pondering when this quote came by. I made the choice to pick up the duty that they saw as a burden. Their choice.
Anyway, it's all academic. DCS will get the final say regardless. I'll enjoy the children while I have them. If they have to go back, maybe I will have been able to teach them enough to be healthier and safer.
Having said that, what you describe is pretty par for the course when dealing with PDs. I would read as much as possible on NPD, but realize that there will always be drama. See, people are no more than objects to NPDs- a means to an end. So, there will probably be a lot of push-pull centered around the kids. Just prepare yourself by learning as much as you can about it and how to protect yourself.
The kids are young. Hopefully, they're young enough to forget their lives, to date, and become able to bond with your family. I'm guessing they've never really had boundaries and will really work to try to figure out where they are.
(((wal & ws)))
I had a similar situation a few years back. My step-brother is, uh, troubled and after a long string of him putting his D into extreme danger (high-speed police chases, violence, etc.), custody was granted to my dad. We wanted to give her a forever home. She had her own room at our house in addition to my dad's place- with her stuff in it. CPS said he'd never re-gain custody.
He did. He got a job and kept it a couple of months, went in front of the judge and claimed that he was reformed, and the judge returned her to him. He promptly stole thousands from our parents, took her out of state, and we'll probably not see her again until she's old enough to make that decision on her own. I worry about her constantly- especially living with a violent psychopath like him. *sigh*
[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 8:41 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]
I wish I didn't have such a negative attitude about this, but I've just seen the system fail so miserably. I was literally physically sick about it for months. I guess I'm still sick about it and it's been two years. I read the last sentence of my prior post and burst into tears.
Thank you for helping them, for trying to give them a normal life. And fight with all you have for them.
Sending prayers for all of you.
ETA: My apologies for the t/j.
[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 9:18 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]