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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He doesn't want to make a relationship contract.
pointofnoreturn
♀ Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had searched for things I could do to show my dedication to R. To make it clear, I'm the wayward, and my boyfriend is the betrayed. He wants to stay with me and says he loves me.

I had brought up the idea of making a relationship contract to him today. He just seemed annoyed at the idea. He stated it was useless and wouldn't do anything.

His reasoning being that "a slip of paper" wouldn't stop me. "The ring I got you obviously didn't. Why would a paper?" Ouch. Okay, I deserved that. He had gotten me a ring to show his love for me, before I cheated on him again. Understandable.

He said that no "ritual" will make it any better. He did say he'd do it if it'd make me feel better. I don't want to do it for me, but for us. I wanted him to have an opportunity to set his rules and I abide by them. Besides, I can't just "feel better" knowing he's in pain.

We didn't end out conversation on a sour note at least. I just said I'd bring it up with my counselor and see what she thinks. We agreed.

Is a contract mandatory to an R? If he doesn't want to do it, I want to respect his wishes and not pester him about it. I just have looming thoughts that if I don't do x, y, and z, I could lose him.

How can I show him I'm serious about R, and that I want to leave no stone unturned through this process?


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here- just my two cents.
My WH has tried to do certain things that he felt would help R. Some would work for us, others were not our style.
I think that by offering to do these things you are showing commitment to R.
What I would ask you to consider is that these things take time. He is hurting, he feels betrayed. It is very hard for him to trust anything you say right now. All that you do for the sake of R is important - but there is no overnight fix to this.
Gently- maybe he is hesitant because he feels you are doing it to make yourself feel better and he may not be ready to do that right now.
Continue showing him your commitment through honesty and transparency. Time will help, but you need to understand that not every effort will be met with applause.
My WH has tried a lot of things he thought would help- talking about renewing vows, getting tattoos, family trips, etc. - and many backfired in his face because they just triggered me. They are romantic and was that he is showing his love- but he was romantic and showed live before he cheated.
It is not that I DON'T want these things- just not right now. I am still wounded, I am still learning to think about him differently. I do not want these "new" memories to be tainted by the ghost of the affair.
I applaud your efforts, keep showing him you are committed- but the only thing that will really help is time, consistency in your actions, and reassurance from you.
I wish you nothing but the best in this.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
pointofnoreturn
♀ Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your response. Yes, this seems fair. I did sort of mention it in passing before and he said "maybe". Maybe he does want this, but not right now.

I'll give him some space to decide for himself. Perhaps I should do one for myself?


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. Gently, I think this is for you, not him. There was already a contract, perhaps not in writing, but certainly an agreement, that you would both be faithful. You've broken that agreement, twice. The second time, he bought you a ring, and you still betrayed him. A contract wouldn't do a thing for him. For you, it would be him committing, once again, to a relationship with you. It would make you feel like you did a 'good thing' in all of the mess, and he doesn't need superficial commitments, he needs consistent love, understanding, and faithfulness.

I don't know when DDay #2 was, but I would simply continue to be there, to listen to him, to try to decide what will make him feel better, and do that. I wouldn't suggest anything that reaffirms your relationship, because those are words, and they can be broken. I would try to reaffirm your love for him, and unfortunately, after 2 DDays, that's going to have to be with actions and nothing to do with words.

Just my 2 cents. I hope you find a way to make it work. He can't make you feel better. That needs to be your doing. I hope you're able to do that.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Entering into another contract with you right now would be crazy, IMO.

You haven't had time to heal or fix your issues. You still are not a safe choice for him.

If I were you I would plant my ass in IC and figure out what is broken in you and how you can address it.

While you are working on yourself I would.

#1 Be completely transparent
give all passwords, facebook, email, phone etc

#2 Let him know where you are and what you are doing. Don't deviate from your plans without checking in with him.

#3 Answer all questions, until he is done asking, and if he desn't ask, offer...tell him you are there and willing to talk about your A(s)

#4 plan things for the two of you to do together, no pressure things. A lunch, movie

#5 Examine your friends and de-friend those who accept wayward behavior in their lives. Reevaluate your other relationships. Define who are friends of the relationship and who are not

There are plenty more, you need actions, repetetive consistent actions over a long period of time before he can even begin to really want to decide if you are going to be a safe person to hold his heart again.

Asking how to do it is the first step, but it takes a long long time.

Good luck

[This message edited by karmahappens at 4:18 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
pointofnoreturn
♀ Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. I've done or am doing pretty much all those things right now.

Got a personal counselor. It's just that the week gap between these sessions feels so far away.

He has access to anything and everything of any accounts I have. My phone is unlocked and I'm not ashamed to show him any of my texts. Sometimes he'll ask what I'm typing (such as me making a post here), and I'll show him.

I usually don't leave the house without him, save for work. I want to let him know what's up. If I do go somewhere, say the grocery store, I ask invite him to go with.

He hasn't asked much recently in the way of questions, but after reading this, I did ask him if he had any questions. He said no, so I just told him if he does to please ask me.

And...friends. Even before confessing to him, I made a vow to myself to not get too friendly with coworkers, male or female. As it stands right now, all of my friends are mutual friends to him. Given I assume he trusts them, I can rest easy on this part. I had the benefit of moving half way across the country, essentially leaving everything behind, including friends.

But thanks for the responses. I realize now that I was kind of silly. I just need to not rush this so much is all. If he wants one, he'll come around. But much, much later.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 6

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